Most Historically Inaccurate Movies

[Sgt Girth]

I could tell you about the historically inaccurate film that wasn’t made….In the late 90s I was based at RAF Kinloss up in the northern reaches of bonnie Jockland.

Anyhoo, there was Sgt Girth, manfully on watch, seeing off any Russian invaders sneaking in via the Highlands, when the topic of conversation in the Operations Room turned to talk of a remake of The Battle of Britain (not the actual battle you understand, but the film of the same title) which was going to star Tom Cruise from all accounts who was undoubtedly going to win the battle single handedly for us poor Brits……Well, this potential heresy pissed me off quite mightily and I went into a fairly lengthy and vociferous rant about Americans and how they just love to bugger about with our history….something along the lines of:
Effin Americans….why can’t they eff off? … always taking the credit for our effin’ battles…..well they can eff right off ….pain in the arse feckers….. eff them!! etc etc etc (Of course by Americans, what I really meant was Hollywood)

Nethertheless, as I was reaching a thunderous crescendo in my epic rant I realised that the room had switched their attention from yours truly, to something behind me…….Yep, that would be the young American exchange officer that had walked in, just in time to catch a sizeable dose of full-on anti USA vitriol! Well, that was rather awkward…..and so was everytime we bumped into each other after that.

I would of course like to recognise the fact that there were some exceptionally brave Americans that did indeed fight alongside us in the Battle of Britain, (as well as a number of pilots of other nationalities) and that my rant should have been more focused on Hollywood BS rather than slagging off an entire nation……and you know what…..I even quite admire wee little Tommy Cruise!

I’m still waiting for the film to be made….

 

[escargot]

I could tell you about the historically inaccurate film that wasn’t made….In the late 90s I was based at RAF Kinloss up in the northern reaches of bonnie Jockland.

Anyhoo, there was Sgt Girth, manfully on watch, seeing off any Russian invaders sneaking in via the Highlands, when the topic of conversation in the Operations Room turned to talk of a remake of The Battle of Britain (not the actual battle you understand, but the film of the same title) which was going to star Tom Cruise from all accounts who was undoubtedly going to win the battle single handedly for us poor Brits……Well, this potential heresy pissed me off quite mightily and I went into a fairly lengthy and vociferous rant about Americans and how they just love to bugger about with our history….something along the lines of:
Effin Americans….why can’t they eff off? … always taking the credit for our effin’ battles…..well they can eff right off ….pain in the arse feckers….. eff them!! etc etc etc (Of course by Americans, what I really meant was Hollywood)

Nethertheless, as I was reaching a thunderous crescendo in my epic rant I realised that the room had switched their attention from yours truly, to something behind me…….Yep, that would be the young American exchange officer that had walked in, just in time to catch a sizeable dose of full-on anti USA vitriol! Well, that was rather awkward…..and so was everytime we bumped into each other after that.

I would of course like to recognise the fact that there were some exceptionally brave Americans that did indeed fight alongside us in the Battle of Britain, (as well as a number of pilots of other nationalities) and that my rant should have been more focused on Hollywood BS rather than slagging off an entire nation……and you know what…..I even quite admire wee little Tommy Cruise!

I’m still waiting for the film to be made….

Having committed the odd similarly-themed gaffe myself, I have rationalised the situation by telling myself it doesn't do any harm for these people to know how they're seen by others. Doing them a favour really.

 

[Spookdaddy]

...Nethertheless, as I was reaching a thunderous crescendo in my epic rant I realised that the room had switched their attention from yours truly, to something behind me…….Yep, that would be the young American exchange officer that had walked in, just in time to catch a sizeable dose of full-on anti USA vitriol! Well, that was rather awkward…..and so was everytime we bumped into each other after that...

This reminds me of a story told to me by a work colleague who is also ex RAF.

He was in Denmark on some sort of European joint exercise/training thing when he noticed a mural of a Spitfire in the canteen. Of course, he asked about it and was told by a Danish pilot that it referenced the history of the Danish Spitfire funds in WW2*. This led to an - if not heated - fairly animated speech on the trials of Denmark in WW2, during which the Danish guy is being nudged in an increasingly obvious manner by the Danish colleague sitting next to him. Eventually he realises that his friend is trying to indicate something to him and then realises that they are sharing the table with some German pilots. After a slight pause, rather than go for embarrassment or awkwardness, he gestures towards the Germans and says something like; Yes, my friends. This beautiful picture of this beautiful aeroplane commemorates a previous and rather notable extended visit to this country by our respected German colleagues.

My mate does the story much better, complete with sheepish shrugs and comedy awkward faces from the Germans.

The whole things was rather defused by one of the German pilots asking my RAF friend - in tones you might expect from a teenager asking to meet a rock icon - if, you know, there was any way of coming to the UK and maybe...you know...flying an actual Spitfire?

*There was no Danish government in exile, and Dane's effectively bought Spitfires by public subscription. These operated - with Danish pilots - as part of the RAF.

 

[Herr Cloaca]

(epic thread hijack)
(Can't remember whether I've told this on here before)

Some time in the seventies, my dad and a colleague were on a business trip to Germany. They were collected at the airport by their host.
The German host tried to to make some small talk. "Iz zis your first visit to Dresden?"
Dad's colleague had been aircrew a few decades earlier. "Er, no, I've been before. But I couldn't stay long."
"Oh really? Vy voz dis?"
"Oh, well, you see, I had to get back again quite quickly."

 

[Peripart]

As author John O’Farrell, put it, the film couldn’t have been more inaccurate if a plasticine dog had been added to the cast and the film were retitled William Wallace and Gromit.

The Wrong Troosers!

 

[Bigphoot2]

(epic thread hijack)
(Can't remember whether I've told this on here before)

Some time in the seventies, my dad and a colleague were on a business trip to Germany. They were collected at the airport by their host.
The German host tried to to make some small talk. "Iz zis your first visit to Dresden?"
Dad's colleague had been aircrew a few decades earlier. "Er, no, I've been before. But I couldn't stay long."
"Oh really? Vy voz dis?"
"Oh, well, you see, I had to get back again quite quickly."

I used to work on a local council development project. We had a German guy as part of the team and when he was leaving he was presented with prints of the town back in the 1800s. He looked at them and said "I haff never seen zese buildings." And a voice from the back said "That's because you buggers bombed them all during the war." Luckily he had a sense of humour.
The ironic thing was that it the local council who did away with them in the 60s. As someone once said, "That council did more damage than the Luftwaffe."

 

[Bigphoot2]

On the subject of WW2 - Where Eagles Dare had the Germans using a Bell 47G helicopter, which didn't appear until the 1950s.

 

[Paul_Exeter]

On the subject of WW2 - Where Eagles Dare had the Germans using a Bell 47G helicopter, which didn't appear until the 1950s.

Why did the Nazis need helicopters when they had flying saucers that could take them to the Antarctic...?





(joke)

 

[blessmycottonsocks]

On the subject of WW2 - Where Eagles Dare had the Germans using a Bell 47G helicopter, which didn't appear until the 1950s.

Good call. That movie was full of anachronisms, like the 1950s bus, incorrect military insignia and decidedly 1960s haircuts!

 

[JamesWhitehead]

The consensus is that war films of the later forties and fifties were playing to an audience who had been there, so they could not stray too far from reality, despite the fact that John Mills was omnipresent! Films made during the conflict tempered their propaganda aims with an often sombre realism, to maintain credibility.

By the sixties, war themes were popular still but needed goosing-up for a new generation. I think the Guns of Navarone, 1961, was regarded as a land-mark in hyping the genre.

 

[Analogue Boy]

Funny how you never hear about Navarone these days. It being fictional and all.

 

[Yithian]

The consensus is that war films of the later forties and fifties were playing to an audience who had been there, so they could not stray too far from reality, despite the fact that John Mills was omnipresent! Films made during the conflict tempered their propaganda aims with an often sombre realism, to maintain credibility.

By the sixties, war themes were popular still but needed goosing-up for a new generation. I think the Guns of Navarone, 1961, was regarded as a land-mark in hyping the genre.

Commissioned into the Rifle Brigade, [David] Niven soon transferred to the Commandos but was given leave to star in two propaganda films, First of The Few (1942) and The Way Ahead (1944). He landed in Normandy a week after D Day serving in the Phantom Signals Unit, a Commando forward Reconnaissance unit. Calming his soldiers’ nerves before an operation he said: ‘Look – you chaps only have to do this once – but I’ll have to do it all over again in Hollywood with Errol Flynn!’

Source:
https://sandhursttrust.org/news/notable-rmas-alumni/62/62-David-Niven

 

[Bigphoot2]

Funny how you never hear about Navarone these days. It being fictional and all.

That used to be a telly regular at Christmas and bank holidays along with The Heroes of Telemark.

 

[Spookdaddy]

The consensus is that war films of the later forties and fifties were playing to an audience who had been there, so they could not stray too far from reality, despite the fact that John Mills was omnipresent! Films made during the conflict tempered their propaganda aims with an often sombre realism, to maintain credibility...

I posted a related story on the The Second World War / World War Two (post#176):

My uncle was actually my aunt’s second husband – they were married in the late 50’s. He was a big lump of a man with a bigger smile, constantly bryclreemed hair and a broad Black Country accent (which, as a kid, I found hysterically funny). I have many memories of him, but in most of them he tends to be sitting in his favourite chair, at what looks like a slightly awkward angle, and shouting at their budgerigar. Now I think about it, I can’t actually remember ever seeing him move.

After he died my aunt told me a story.

When The Longest Day was released he’d been very insistent that they both go to see it. She had found this odd, as he never went to the cinema and found sitting for long periods in theatre type seating excruciatingly painful.

But, anyway – they went.

After about half an hour she became aware that his cheeks were wet with tears and that he was noiselessly sobbing. She asked him in a whisper if he wanted to leave, but he didn’t respond, or avert his gaze from the screen, so she grabbed his hand and held it for the remainder of the film.

Afterwards all he would tell her was something along the lines that he ‘wanted to make sure they did justice to the boys’; she always suspected that the ‘boys’ he was referring to were probably dead, and he never spoke of it again.

It was only years after this event that she learned, from relations of his, that he was a D-Day veteran (and I mean D-Day - not plus 1, or 2 etc). He’d made it off the beach only to be hit by a mortar round and left for dead in a ditch for several days, with half his backside missing...

I'm no expert on military history, but my understanding is the TLD is considered to be remarkably - if not perfectly - accurate. So, hopefully, my big bryclreemed old uncle George would have left the cinema feeling a little easier in his mind. (Funny, it's decades ago now since he died, and although he was definitely present, it wasn't as if he was a huge part of my life growing up, but whenever I think of him I automatically break out into a smile. I'm doing it now in fact.)

 

[escargot]

(epic thread hijack)
(Can't remember whether I've told this on here before)

Some time in the seventies, my dad and a colleague were on a business trip to Germany. They were collected at the airport by their host.
The German host tried to to make some small talk. "Iz zis your first visit to Dresden?"
Dad's colleague had been aircrew a few decades earlier. "Er, no, I've been before. But I couldn't stay long."
"Oh really? Vy voz dis?"
"Oh, well, you see, I had to get back again quite quickly."

Another telling of that story (not doubting your Dad's version) involves a German flight controller berating pilots, here quoted from Reddit -

The German air traffic controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that a Pan Am 747 listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

I first read this as a teenager in the Reader's Digest. That rendition had the didn't land patter as an anonymous interjection. Very wise.

The next joke goes thusly -

A BA 747 was first in line on the taxi way but at the last moment a Lufthansa 747 was cleared to the runway in front of the BA flight. The BA Pilot complains "I was here first" . The Lufthansa pilot responds "But I was here early this morning and put my towel on the runway".