Hmm, how to write out the rude version least offensively? Aah, bugger it...
Come & listen to my story 'bout a man named Jed,
Went for a w**k behind the garden shed,
Round came Ellie-Mae, all in the nude,
Up from his c**k came a bubblin' crude...
Sp**k, that is - white gold, t*ss*rs...