Blitz Limericks

Beakmoo

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I''ve decided on what I will do:-
I'll flush his false teeth down the loo!
And you can depend
He'll go right round the bend
While his teeth will be halfway to Crewe.



We all should be free to write limmicks
Without all resorting to gimmicks
 

Recycled1

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We all should be free to write limmicks
Without all resorting to gimmicks
There's no money to win
Everyone can pitch in
We can't all be Edward Lear mimics!

..................................................

One has to avoid certain words
That relate to the bees and the birds
 

escargot

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One has to avoid certain words
That relate to the bees and the birds
Though if you know one in Latin
You can always slip that in
It will only shock those dead-language nerds!

Cover your eyes! Enough is enough!
Feen, MUST you race round in the buff?
 

Recycled1

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Cover your eyes! Enough is enough!
Feen, MUST you race round in the buff?
Your exposed genitalia
May lead to heart failure
We just don't want that sort of stuff!
..........................................................

Johnny Depp is a different matter!
I'd love to hear his chat-up patter
 

escargot

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Johnny Depp is a different matter
I'd love to hear his chat-up patter
Wearing just that cute 'tache
He could give me a flash
And introduce me to his little Mad Hatter!

I've just realised, oh good Lord,
They're all sex-obsessed on this board!
 

GNC

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I've just realised, oh good Lord,
They're all sex-obsessed on this board!
Well, except for one
As he finds his fun
With the Creme Eggs he can afford.

***

All that chocolate - it was a delight
But step on the scales - what a fright!
 

Recycled1

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All that chocolate - it was a delight
But step on the scales - what a fright!
I feel quite inspired
To have my jaws wired
And suffer until my weight's right!

...................................................
I suppose I could go join a gym
In the struggle to keep myself slim
 

jacolantern

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I suppose I could go join a gym
In the struggle to keep myself slim
All that lithe sweaty flexing
is really quite vexing
what a palaver to keep myself trim!

---------------------------------------------

I think i'll eschew food for a while,
live on mushrooms and sit here and smile
 

DrWhiteface

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I think i'll eschew food for a while,
live on mushrooms and sti here and smile
As days saunter by
Shhh! They're on the sly!
But no, they are not oh so vile!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


When One has the hang of this,
One finds it the Height Of Bliss!
 

Recycled1

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When One has the hang of this,
One finds it the Height Of Bliss!
I just float out the door!
I can fly! I can soar!
And I'll give my employment a miss!

............................................................
Will the budget bring us joy or pain?
More taxes or a tiny gain?
 

Heckler

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Will the budget bring us joy or pain?
More taxes or a tiny gain?
How will I afford
to maintain my girl hoard
This harem just drives me insane

++++++++++++++++

So many ladies and so little time
Said the necro accused of his crime
 

escargot

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So many ladies and so little time
Said the necro accused of his crime
I've romanced over forty
But you can't prove I'm naughty
As I shower them with gifts and quicklime!

One morning in Heckler's back yard
I bent over and sneezed very hard
 

Recycled1

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One morning in Heckler's back yard
I bent over and sneezed very hard
I blew down the wall
Bricks, mortar and all
And in future, Heck says, I am barred!

..............................................................
My shed is a little retreat
I hide there, and guess what I eat?
 

escargot

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My shed is a little retreat
I hide there, and guess what I eat?
'tis Recycled's home baking
Which sets my teeth aching
You can have too much of a treat!

Here I sit and I strum my guitar
And folks come to listen from afar
 

Recycled1

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Here I sit and I strum my guitar
And folks come to listen from afar
They gasp at my riffs
Get drunk and smoke spliffs
Then vomit all over my car!
(Sorry!)

..........................................................
I'm going to live in a cave
Just think of the money I'll save!
 

GNC

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I'm going to live in a cave
Just think of the money I'll save!
No neighbours to worry
Never be in a hurry,
I can have my own personal rave!

***

Fickle fate it came into play
When I dressed as a bear for a day
 

DrWhiteface

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Fickle fate it came into play
When I dressed as a bear for a day
For Hairy Man Love
And a rubber glove
And they did go all the way!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


When one is in a great big rush
There's a sudden need for a flush
 

Heckler

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When one is in a great big rush
There's a sudden need for a flush
A turtle head may emerge
To prove you're on the verge
The smell would make a skunk blush


+++++++++++++++++++++++++

A lady caught short on the bus
Wouldn't bother making a fuss
 

feen5

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A lady caught short on the bus
Wouldn't bother making a fuss
She could drop out of sight
the offending shite
like those monkeys you know, the Rhesus

Such is life in the world of the Ape
Care must be taken when finding a Grape
 

Recycled1

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Such is life in the world of the Ape
Care must be taken when finding a Grape
Hide away in the leaves
Avoid would-be thieves
If your mate comes too close, scream "Rape!"

...................................................................

Have you ever tried kissing a toad?
 

GNC

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Have you ever tried kissing a toad?
Here's one jumping up the road
Your lips you must pucker
And plant on the mucker
Then retire to his slimy abode.

***

The ways of amphibians are odd
But most curiously closer to God
 

Recycled1

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The ways of amphibians are odd
But most curiously closer to God
For them it's the norm
To vary their form
So put down that stick and don't prod!

.....................................................

From caverns deep down in the sea
A mermaid is calling to me
 

Heckler

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From caverns deep down in the sea
A mermaid is calling to me
Though her bits smell of fish
It's my earnest wish
To go dogging with her on the quay

+++++++++++++++++++

One thing that always appalls
Is finding a girlfriend has balls
 

feen5

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One thing that always appalls
Is finding a girlfriend has balls
The sight of a dick
makes me physically sick
but to others it positively enthralls


To get girls you must use your wits
And not go round flashing your bits
 

escargot

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To get girls you must use your wits
And not go round flashing your bits
Or you'll end up in court
With your wooing cut short
And you'll never get your hands on those girls.

When Feen demonstrated 'The Crab',
I couldn't help but notice a scab
 

GNC

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When Feen demonstrated 'The Crab',
I couldn't help but notice a scab
With my medical training
I removed any staining
And shall say no more - I won't blab.

***

Here's a secret from the population
Delivered in an incantation:
 

47Forteans

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Here's a secret from the population
Delivered in an incantation:
Always wash your bits
Nightingales and tits
Here endeth the rhythmic situation!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Shhh! We're going on a bear hunt!"
Sings tv super star Rex The Runt
 

Recycled1

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"Shhh! We're going on a bear hunt!"
Sings tv super star Rex The Runt
The situation turned grim
When they met up with him
He swallowed them whole, with a grunt!

*****************************************

I'm seeing the dentist at ten*
I'm scared! I just hate it when....


*True, I'm afraid!
 

Heckler

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"Shhh! We're going on a bear hunt!"
Sings tv super star Rex The Runt
We're get that Bear Grylls
With poisonous pills
When he does his survivalist stunt

++++++++++++++++++

I would love to eat just legumes
But my bottom emits noxious fumes
 

Heckler

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I'm seeing the dentist at ten*
I'm scared! I just hate it when....
He smirks and then intones
a phrase to chill my bones
"My preference is for the mouths of men"


Second try:
++++++++++++++++++

I would love to eat just legumes
But my bottom emits noxious fumes
 
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