Blitz Limericks

feen5

Justified & Ancient
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#61
I would love to eat just legumes
But my bottom emits noxious fumes
But if i eat meat
Its still not so sweet
So Im stuck with toadstools and Shrooms

In the world of rudely shaped veg
I like cress trimmed like lady hedge
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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#62
I would love to eat just legumes
But my bottom emits noxious fumes
Well, that's what I'm told
But to me they're pure gold
Like the finest Parisian perfumes!

OK, I was pipped, but we must be sporting about these little setbacks. :lol:
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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#63
In the world of rudely shaped veg
I like cress trimmed like lady hedge
Slapped on my egg butty
It looks both tasty and smutty
With warm 'mayo', or so they allege!

A well-oiled cucumber gives joy
To a salad-loving girl or boy
 

Heckler

The unspeakable mass
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#64
A well-oiled cucumber gives joy
To a salad-loving girl or boy
All covered in 'dressing'
They'll rush for confessing
Then get there and strangely feel coy

+++++++++++++++++++

A thousand hail Marys he said
For taking a whole town to bed
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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#65
A thousand hail Marys he said
For taking a whole town to bed
That's one prayer for each thirty
Citizens he treated dirty
'Good value!' he quipped, then dropped dead.

The cause of his death was exertion
From over-indulging perversion
 

Heckler

The unspeakable mass
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#66
The cause of his death was exertion
From over-indulging perversion
Auto-erotic asphyxiation
Was his biggest fixation
Before finishing with an anal insertion

:oops: Oooh I say from what depths of my mind did that come?

+++++++++++++++++++++

The smell can cause you to blush
When your partner has failed to flush
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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#67
The smell can cause you to blush
When your partner has failed to flush
Though if she's a nymphomaniac
And you're a coprophiliac
It can give your stale love-life a nice push!

You'll soon be getting letters from Beak
About the Yearly Fortean Mass Streak
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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#68
You'll soon be getting letters from Beak
About the Yearly Fortean Mass Streak
So you'd best keep fit
And shape up a bit
Nobody likes their nudes to be weak.

***

I must say I do like your hat
Although when you wear it like that
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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#69
I must say I do like your hat
Although when you wear it like that
Naked but for a topper
Over what you claim is your whopper
Recycled has something to whistle at!

If you want to get fit, take my tip:
Go cycling round town in the nip
 

DrWhiteface

Ephemeral Spectre
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#70
If you want to get fit, take my tip:
Go cycling round town in the nip
The townsfolk will stare,
His tattoo is where?
Just to the left of his hairy lip!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

For all things vulgar and common
Shout "Let's be having you, come on!"
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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#71
For all things vulgar and common
Shout "Let's be having you, come on!"
"I'm not like that!" won't do
You're a sham, through and through
Why've those books got brown covers upon 'em?

........................................................................

This house has a strange little room
Dark and cold, with a deep sense of gloom
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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#72
This house has a strange little room
Dark and cold, with a deep sense of gloom
Who's down there, in the gloamy?
It's Heck, Feen and Anome
All three licking Rynner's jibboom!*

Rynner's bondage dungeon at sea
Sounded exciting at first to me


*you ignorant lot. :roll:
 

Heckler

The unspeakable mass
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#73
Rynner's bondage dungeon at sea
Sounded exciting at first to me
Rum, bum and the lash
Turned rather sour in a flash
We all wound up drinking our own pee

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Shipboard life was hard in the past
Months at sea going up and down on the mast
 

escargot

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#74
Shipboard life was hard in the past
Months at sea going up and down on the mast
We'd slide round on our rowlocks
And 'twas rough on our pollocks
Which we tried to have salted, and eat last!

Heck asked me to splice his mainbrace
Being young, I didn't know which way to face
 

GNC

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#75
Heck asked me to splice his mainbrace
Being young, I didn't know which way to face
Though I was so limber
I shivered me timber
This seafaring life I'll embrace.

***

I'm not sure who I should thank
When invited to go walk the plank
 

Recycled1

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#76
***

I'm not sure who I should thank
When invited to go walk the plank
See that large crocodile
With his menacing smile?
That rotten Captain Hook's pulled rank!

..................................................................

Should I set out to sail in this dingy?
Do I have to wear this safety thingy?
 

DrWhiteface

Ephemeral Spectre
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#77
Should I set sail in this dingy?
Do I have to wear this safty thingy?
A boa, in red feather
Not in this wild weather
For dear life, I am all clingy!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


I must go to the sea again!
I am a watery pagan!
 

Timble2

Imaginary Person
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#78
I must go to the sea again!
I am a watery pagan!
And as for bad verse,
I've often seen worse,
Written by that old Philistine, Dagon.

-----------------------------------------------

A randy old prelate from Bude,
Would often say Mass in the nude,
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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#79
A randy old prelate from Bude,
Would often say Mass in the nude,
His horrified flock
Knelt in front of his cock
And prayed for vicissitude!

..............................................
There once was a pretty young nun
Who felt life had hardly begun
 

Timble2

Imaginary Person
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#80
There once was a pretty young nun
Who felt life had hardly begun
Until Casanova,
Disguised as Jehovah.
Surprised her by giving her one!

----------------------------------------------------------

Said the Abbess "A good candlestick,
"That is long, hard, with knobbles, and thick,"
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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#81
Said the Abbess "A good candlestick,
"That is long, hard, with knobbles, and thick,"
Makes a good substitute
For a night with that brute
Who needs a prick with a dick?

.......................................................................

A nun's habit, so long and concealing
Holds secrets that are worth revealing
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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#82
A nun's habit, so long and concealing
Holds secrets that are worth revealing
But don't talk to God
'Bout her heavenly bod
Or you'll lose your most pious feeling.

***

My discussions with the Great and Almighty
Unexpectedly turned to the flighty
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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#83
***

My discussions with the Great and Almighty
Unexpectedly turned to the flighty
Does the Heavenly Throng
Know that it's wrong
To watch Beyonce donning her nighty?


.........................................................
Here's a question that has me quite quizzical
Are Heavenly Bodies in some way physical?
 

The late Pete Younger

Venerable and Missed
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#84
Here's a question that has me quite quizzical
Are Heavenly Bodies in some way physical?
it depends on their size
and the look of their thighs
but the question is really empirical

Whilst we're talking of bodies and size
are these slimming fads just to please guys
 

DrWhiteface

Ephemeral Spectre
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#85
Whilst we're talking of bodies and size
are these slimming fads just to please guys
Some are just to thin
Diets on a whim
Glossy magazines just tell lies!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Celebrities with celulite
They often act oh so contrite,
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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#86
Celebrities with celulite
They often act oh so contrite,
They complain they're fat
When it's obvious that
Their overweight is slight.

.......................................................
A suave politician called Fred
Was caught with a voter in bed
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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#87
A suave politician called Fred
Was caught with a voter in bed
Saying don't worry, honey
I just want your money
Corporations raise serious bread.

***

Let's take a ride in my new car
With me driving you know you'll go far
 

DrWhiteface

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#88
Let's take a ride in my new car
With me driving you know you'll go far
Like right off that cliff
For a drink that's stiff
Served by a waitress in her bra.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My godparents are so urbane
Nessie and Mothman be their name,
 

DrWhiteface

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#89
My godparents are so urbane,
Nessie and Mothman be their name,
Ill met by moonlight
Their tin hats too tight
As they find someone to take the blame!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When Nessie says "Hello Sailor!"
"What is the name of your tailor?"
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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#90
When Nessie says "Hello Sailor!"
"What is the name of your tailor?"
You vow to your wife
You'll give up booze for life
('Though you guess this is doomed to failure)

..................................................................

That astrology reading was wrong
My rich partner has not come along
 
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