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47Forteans

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It's bad manners to discuss if you're able
Your politics at the dinner table
Views unenlightend
Horses are frightened
And aroused the Housekepper called Mabel!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

It's so very hard to get good staff now,
when the housekeeper likes a good row,
 

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It's so very hard to get good staff now,
when the housekeeper likes a good row,
The maids all get tearful
When she gives them an earful
And the butler's no use anyhow!!

...............................................................
As a lady, I'm sure you know that
I wear white gloves and a hat
 

escargot

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As a lady, I'm sure you know that
I wear white gloves and a hat
Just them, and my box
With my long stripey socks
As I stroll out at Lords to bat!

As Feen bent to pick up a bail
He was goosed by a lecherous snail
 

GNC

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As Feen bent to pick up a bail
He was goosed by a lecherous snail
Though the pointing finger
Was not going to linger
He let out a tremendous wail.

***

The greatest sport I can attest
Is the champion pie-eating contest
 

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The greatest sport I can attest
Is the champion pie-eating contest
The contestants lack grace
As each stuffs his fat face.
Primitive greed at its best!

...........................................
Do you know what goes into those pies?
Not the Very Best Meat -that's all lies!
 

jacolantern

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Do you know what goes into those pies?
Not the Very Best Meat -that's all lies!
Its all eyeballs and lips
and pizzles and nips
Its just dog food in a disguise!

------------------------------------------

I could do with a nice bit of meat
just to have a carnivorous treat
 

47Forteans

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I could do with a nice bit of meat
just to have a carnivorous treat
A Venus-Fly-Trap
Any old clap trap
Would not make my last meal complete!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

As I loot, pillage and plunder,
My arse was rent asunder!
 

escargot

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As I loot, pillage and plunder,
My arse was rent asunder!
But this was not buggery
Nor butt-plug botty-thuggery
Just a touch of post-prandial bum-thunder!

That's like an anally-themed tongue twister -
Let's see you get your tongue round THAT, Mister!
 

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That's like an anally-themed tongue twister -
Let's see you get your tongue round THAT, Mister!
Other places we know
Where tongues shouldn't go
If you don't want a worrying blister!

.........................................................................

The patient called out to the nurse
"My symptoms keep getting worse!"
 

GNC

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The patient called out to the nurse
"My symptoms keep getting worse!"
"What's this?" she replied
"You're ravaged inside
"I suspect a witch doctor's curse."

***

What's the meaning of this impropriety?
Dark arts of the magical variety?
 

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***

What's the meaning of this impropriety?
Dark arts of the magical variety?
I haven't a clue who
Might utilise voodoo
But that doll's causing great anxiety!

.......................................................
A Barbie doll should look appealing
Not be strung up, plus pins, from the ceiling
 

escargot

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A Barbie doll should look appealing
Not be strung up, plus pins, from the ceiling
Though that look does suit Feen
And that's where he's been
Since I caught him in my lettuce garden, stealing!

You folks with light fingers, watch out
My guard dog's a retrained Boy Scout
 

GNC

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You folks with light fingers, watch out
My guard dog's a retrained Boy Scout
He's seven feet tall
A boxer and all
Any wrongdoing? He'll give you a clout.

***

If there's one thing I'm good at it's dance
I wonder, will you join me, perchance?
 

DrWhiteface

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If there's one thing I'm good at it's dance
I wonder, will you join me, perchance?
A vertical expression for
A horozontal session sure
Beats polishing ones own purple lance!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

This is were things get so tricky!
One finds oneself very sticky!
 

escargot

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This is where things get so tricky!
One finds oneself very sticky!
But a rub-down with a Wet-Wipe
And a plateful of tripe
And I'm ready for my next sweaty quickie!

After that, I'll be having my tea
At the naturist cafe in Torquay
 

feen5

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After that, I'll be having my tea
At the naturist cafe in Torquay
where one wrong move
can ultimately prove
to be painful the next time that you pee.

While eating a chocolate éclair
The cream spilt on Hecks pubic hair
 

Heckler

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While eating a chocolate éclair
The cream spilt on Hecks pubic hair
'Oh dear it went gush'
'And wound up on my bush'
Nude cream teas must be handled with care

++++++++++++++++

Young ladies whilst dancing beware
That you don't wind up flashing your pair
 

GNC

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Young ladies whilst dancing beware
That you don't wind up flashing your pair
Of those shoes which one feels
Shouldn't have lights in the heels
They'll only make gentlemen stare.

***

You know what they say 'bout big feet?
That's right - someone here's in for a treat
 

DrWhiteface

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You know what they say 'bout big feet?
That's right - someone here's in for a treat
And all those boots to clean
To throw at Charlie Sheen
As he sobs in girly defeat!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

On the subject of manly boots
My pet owl does not give two hoots!
 

feen5

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On the subject of manly boots
My pet owl does not give two hoots!
Because he wears slippers
shaped like dolphin flippers
And coloured like a pair of old coots

There was a young lady from Perth
Whose preference was not length, but Girth
 

Heckler

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There was a young lady from Perth
Whose preference was not length, but Girth
In order to be fetched
she prefered to be stretched
And now her bow legs provoke mirth

++++++++++++++++

You're so big that frankly it hurt
Lied the maid to lightly hung Burt
 

GNC

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You're so big that frankly it hurt
Lied the maid to lightly hung Burt
"But that wasn't me
"It was your pinkie!"
He replied to the mistaken flirt.

***

That old lady just swallowed a horse
Should we allow nature to take its course?
 

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That old lady just swallowed a horse
Should we allow nature to take its course?
Find a really big loo
"Porta potti" won't do!
And administer senna by force!

........................................................................

It's Easter Eggs we should be scoffing
I hope you've got some in the offing
 

GNC

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It's Easter Eggs we should be scoffing
I hope you've got some in the offing
Or you could have some fun
With this big hot cross bun
Taste equivalent of songs by Gerry Goffin.

***

You know this Easter season is funny
'Cause I don't connect it to any bunny
 

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You know this Easter season is funny
'Cause I don't connect it to any bunny.
Oh never mind, have a break
Taste some lovely simnel cake
Dig the garden, if the weather's sunny!

.................................................................................

A scheming old biddy called Maud
Was accused, with her partner, of fraud
 

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A scheming old biddy called Maud
Was accused, with her partner, of fraud
They fiddled their pension
In a way I won't mention
And owned a large mansion abroad.*

.........................................................................
The buses on poor Rynner's route
Are the cause of bitter dispute



*I thought I'd better finish the last one myself, rather than let the thread disappear into oblivion!
 

Timble2

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The buses on poor Rynner's route
Are the cause of bitter dispute
Either they never come,
Or the seats hurt your bum,
And the driver is pissed as a newt.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

As Aleister walked by Loch Ness,
He espied something strange in a dress,
 

Recycled1

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As Aleister walked by Loch Ness,
He espied something strange in a dress.
Was he scared of the beast ?
No, not in the least
It was Julian Clary no less!

..................................................
I've sometimes had cause to wonder
Which bridge does the Troll live under?
 

Heckler

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I've sometimes had cause to wonder
Which bridge does the Troll live under?
For my dear ex-mother-in-law
had thick hair and big claw
And farted with a sound not unlike thunder

+++++++++++++++++++++++

I oftentimes wonder what's best
For removing an unpleasent pest
 

GNC

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I oftentimes wonder what's best
For removing an unpleasent pest
Poison for rats?
A load of large cats?
What I know is my patience they test.

***

Why, look at this cute little mouse
Wait - it's far away, the size of a house!
 
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