Blitz Limericks

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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***

Start training for Wimbledon now
You'll be fit by next year is my vow
There will be amazed faces
As I play my aces.
The response from the crowd will be "Wow!"

.........................................................................
Right now though, I'm not very fit.
With biscuits and tea, here I sit!
 

IamSundog

Not insane
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Right now though, I'm not very fit.
With biscuits and tea, here I sit!
Engorging my belly
While watching the telly
Till my trousers and underpants split



I'm going to just give up trying
Size XXXL I'll be buying
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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I'm going to just give up trying
Size XXXL I'll be buying
Forget all that lettuce
I think my best bet is
To wolf down the lard I've been frying.

***

I ask you please don't take offence
But I detected this with my sixth sense:
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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I ask you please don't take offence
But I detected this with my sixth sense:
You voted to leave
A decision we grieve
You should have just stayed on the fence!

...........................................
Michael Grove's name will be missed
From Boris' Christmas card list!
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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Michael Grove's name will be missed
From Boris' Christmas card list!
As the rest of us suffer
He'll get work as a fluffer
On the sort of porn watched while you're pissed.

***

This puppet is now my best mate
Just look at the world we create
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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This puppet is now my best mate
Just look at the world we create
The rich will do well
While the poor go to Hell
And we'll stir up resentment and hate!

.........................................................

Politicians tend to be greedy
They don't spare much thought for the needy
 

Peripart

Antediluvian
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Politicians tend to be greedy
They don't spare much thought for the needy
They're mostly just toffs
With their noses in troughs
And morals decidedly seedy

So Cameron's now had his day
And soon we'll have Leadsom or May
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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So Cameron's now had his day
And soon we'll have Leadsom or May.
Who should we trust
Now Brexit's a must?
We need someone to show us the way.

.........................................................
Change the subject - I saw something strange:-
An alien craft, at close range
 

IamSundog

Not insane
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Change the subject - I saw something strange:-
An alien craft, at close range
It was being deployed
By a bizarre humanoid
...Wait, it's just GNC, with mange


I tossed and I turned through the night
Till the bedsheets were wound aroung tight
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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I tossed and I turned through the night
Till the bedsheets were wound aroung tight
It was exercise, true
But what I should do
Is buy a duvet, so no sleep fight.

***

Nobody laughs more than me
But there's one joke I don't like to see
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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Nobody laughs more than me
But there's one joke I don't like to see.
I agree with you
Some things are taboo
I draw the line at cruelty.

.................................................
We musn't let this thread die out
Witty rhymes are what life's all about!
 

Dinobot

Justified & Ancient
Joined
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Location
Under the floorboards, taking notes...
We mustn't let this thread die out
Witty rhymes are what life's all about!
So it must prevail
Not like a dead snail
It must leap forward like a trout!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

All that glitters - it is not gold
Truthfully, it is what I'm told
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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All that glitters - it is not gold
Truthfully, it is what I'm told
Don't think you're secure
That's a load of manure
I warn: there's a wolf in the fold.

***

I believe it's well time for a look
At the grimoire I found - that's a book
 

Tigerhawk

Dazed and confused...
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I believe it's well time for a look
At the grimoire I found - that's a book[/QUOTE]
It's no holy tome
"History Of Foam"
So I told it to sling its hook!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Since I judge books by their covers
Also people by their lovers
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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Since I judge books by their covers
Also people by their lovers
I get so confused
Which is why I refused
To join a reading group for young mothers.

***

Alice Roberts - get her on the phone
I've just dug up a Celtic standing stone
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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Alice Roberts - get her on the phone
I've just dug up a Celtic standing stone
That's a milestone, you fool!
It reads "3 miles to Poole"
You should learn when to leave things alone!

...............................................................
Put that spade back in the shed
It's gone midnight, you should be in bed!
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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Put that spade back in the shed
It's gone midnight, you should be in bed!
But I'm off to a rave!
Actually it's a grave
That I'm digging, I should have said.

***

When there's danger abroad in the land
I keep my flying car close at hand
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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When there's danger abroad in the land
I keep my flying car close at hand
It's got all the gear
And there's nothing to fear
'Though sounding my horn has been banned.

....................................................................
I'm trying make it invisible
My idea's not so dirisible
 

Yithian

Parish Watch
Staff member
Joined
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East of Suez
I'm trying make it invisible
My idea's not so dirisible
This imperceptible cock
Tis as hard as a rock
And I doubt that your grandmother would quibble.
----------------------------------------
Now I'm not saying all men are equal,
At least not when they're covered in treacle.
 

GNC

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Now I'm not saying all men are equal,
At least not when they're covered in treacle.
That's just as well
None of this rings a bell
With those of us in a gender pickle.

***

When I'm plucking on each banjo string
I can really make an instrument sing
 

Tigerhawk

Dazed and confused...
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When I'm plucking on each banjo string
I can really make an instrument sing
I'm no hillbilly
That would be silly
I'm a mountain folk type of thing!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You say there's gold in them thar hills?
The thought of it does give me chills!.
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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You say there's gold in them thar hills?
The thought of it does give me chills!.
Tingles run up my spine
Might there be an old mine?
A nugget would pay off my bills!

............................................
A scratch card's all I can afford
The excitement prevents feeling bored
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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A scratch card's all I can afford
The excitement prevents feeling bored
I'll never slumber
If I get every number
And my purchase power has soared.

***

One thing I say about Sherlock
Holmes is he wasn't found under a rock
 

Tigerhawk

Dazed and confused...
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One thing I say about Sherlock
Holmes is he wasn't found under a rock
But on Brighton Pier
Wished Watson was near
To give Moriarty hemlock.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Replying to Fortean threads?
Then I insist you wash your dreads!
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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Replying to Fortean threads?
Then I insist you wash your dreads!
That's applicable where
Folks have still got their hair
Others should polish their heads!

..............................................

Quite a few of us are OAP's
So show some respect, if you please!
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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Quite a few of us are OAP's
So show some respect, if you please!
Don't act the clown
Let them sit down
With their Battenbergs, coffees or teas.

***

I'm not a number, said the Prisoner, 6
That was McGoohan up to his tricks
 

IamSundog

Not insane
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I'm not a number, said the Prisoner, 6
That was McGoohan up to his tricks
And out on the dunes
With that big white balloon
Is mainly how I get my kicks


In the tentacles of the kraken
I'm concerned that he may commence snackin'
 

Yithian

Parish Watch
Staff member
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Location
East of Suez
In the tentacles of the kraken
I'm concerned that he may commence snackin'
To be more that sea snack-food,
Is what I would wish, Dude,
But mercy I fear it doth lack in.

When moderating message board members,
'tis not wise to stir smouldering embers,
 

IamSundog

Not insane
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When moderating message board members
'tis not wise to stir smouldering embers
There's no need to say more
We don't want a flame war
For some here have volatile tempers


Are you going to eat all that? I mean
That volume of food is obscene!
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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Are you going to eat all that? I mean
That volume of food is obscene!
Oops, my mistake
That morsel you take
Sees you stick to a diet, you're keen.

***

I know you'll instantly think "muck"
But the reason that potato got stuck
 
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