Blitz Limericks

GNC

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We've not played instruments before
So we'll practice each day - right next door
I just can't hack it
This thunderous racket
Is an endurance test I deplore.

***

I wish that you'd totally forgotten
How to play the trombone with your bottom
 

IamSundog

Not insane
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I wish that you'd totally forgotten
How to play the trombone with your bottom
Though you have, to be sure,
A sphintcal embrochure
Rarely seen since the heyday of Sodom



When conditions are really just terrible
And the frustration becomes unbearable
 

Dinobot

Justified & Ancient
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Under the floorboards...
When conditions are really just terrible
And the frustration becomes unbearable
When you stand in line
To pay that big fine
For losing that Hindenburg dirigible!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Do not say that profanity!
Just say "Oh, the humanity!"
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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Do not say that profanity!
Just say "Oh, the humanity!"
"OMG" ' s overused
(Used and abused)
All this text-speech threatens my sanity.

...........................................................

Do you have a sad story to share?
We all agree, life is not fair!
 

GNC

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Do you have a sad story to share?
We all agree, life is not fair!
Let's not have mass whinge
Or a grand pity binge
Someone's always worse off than you there.

***

I think forcing myself to be cheerful
Prevents me from getting all tearful
 

IamSundog

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I think forcing myself to be cheerful
Prevents me from getting all tearful
So I hang at the arcade
And flirt with the barmaid
And fill up my belly with beer full


I couldn't attend J Lo's klatch
And my new Jag has got a wee scratch
 

Recycled1

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I couldn't attend J Lo's klatch
And my new Jag has got a wee scratch.
It's so hard to choose
When I'm buying new shoes
For my feature in May's "Paris Match".

..........................................................
Perhaps I'll go on a Retreat
I'll detox, with just veggies to eat.
 

GNC

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Perhaps I'll go on a Retreat
I'll detox, with just veggies to eat.
I'm sure I won't care
If I have an éclair
Or a nice Belgian bun as a treat.

***

Perhaps something nice with some custard
With my healthy appetite of a bustard
 

IamSundog

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Perhaps something nice with some custard
With my healthy appetite of a bustard
Or a plate of linguini
Soaked in vodka martini
Topped with sardines, marshmallow and mustard


I suffer fortune's cruelest barbs
The doc says I can eat no carbs
 

Tigerhawk

Dazed and confused...
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I suffer fortune's cruelest barbs
The doc says I can eat no carbs
And no more protein
It all seems so mean
A burial shroud my new garbs!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Thanks to that enormous blunder
I now reside six feet under!
 

GNC

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Thanks to that enormous blunder
I now reside six feet under!
But later or sooner
Much like that Uma
I'll dig out with a face like thunder.

***

For body parts we need nicer words
That distinguish between blokes and birds
 

IamSundog

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For body parts we need nicer words
That distinguish between blokes and birds
Metaphors from the garden?
Biological jargon?
We'll just end up sounding like nerds




Hear the raging wind howl and roar
My little house shakes to its core
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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Hear the raging wind howl and roar
My little house shakes to its core.
Let's hope it won't fail -
Remember the tale
Of the little pig's house built of straw?

............................................................
Those stories are always the same
Poor old Wolfie gets a bad name
 

GNC

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Those stories are always the same
Poor old Wolfie gets a bad name
It must be those fangs
And the way that he hangs
Around Little Red - she's the one to blame.

***

Whenever I start feeling down
I dress up as my favourite clown
 

Dinobot

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Location
Under the floorboards...
Whenever I start feeling down
I dress up as my favourite clown
Yes, it's Pennywise
But with hairy thighs
As I paint it red, this old town

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

I have this strange, bizarre craving
To go out on the town, raving!
 

Recycled1

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I have this strange, bizarre craving
To go out on the town, raving!
So forego the cocoa
And dance yourself loco
Take 'selfies' while you're misbehaving!

..................................................

Do you find yourself stuck in a rut?
Opportunity's door firmly shut?
 

Tigerhawk

Dazed and confused...
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Do you find yourself stuck in a rut?
Opportunity's door firmly shut?
Don't know what to do?
Go build an igloo!
Out of rancid Brazilian Nut!
+++++++++++++++++++++

Dear gods, the smell won't go away!
All I did was go out to play!
 

Recycled1

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Dear gods, the smell won't go away!
All I did was go out to play!
You've stepped in dog poo -
It's easy to do,
Buy new trainers on Saturday.

=========================
There's a rumour going around
That a unicorn has been found
 

GNC

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There's a rumour going around
That a unicorn has been found
They say that its horn
Was there since it was born
It lights up and sparkles, to expound.

***

All right, now what's the big deal?
I asked for Nessie, got a seal
 

Dinobot

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Under the floorboards...
All right now, what's the big deal?
I asked for Nessie, got a seal
Accursed Yeti!
Who's name is Betty
This whole thing has turned quite unreal!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Cryptozoology gets weird
When strange "things" are found in my beard!
 

Recycled1

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Cryptozoology gets weird
When strange "things" are found in my beard!
Eight legs and all hairy?
Or like maggots? (That's scary!)
You don't shower enough, it is feared!

......................................................
Shave yourself with this razor -
Visit your mum and amaze 'er!
 

IamSundog

Not insane
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Shave yourself with this razor -
Visit your mum and amaze 'er!
Though she might not, it's true,
Even recognize you
And knock you flat out with her taser




Come with me now to Cambodia
There's something there I want to show to ya
 

Tigerhawk

Dazed and confused...
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Come with me now to Cambodia
There's something there I want to show to ya
All those Thrilling Fields
That new Fun Fair builds
On what smells of ammonia!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So, welcome to The House Of Fun
Where Candy Floss is always spun
 

Dinobot

Justified & Ancient
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Under the floorboards...
So, welcome to The House Of Fun
Where Candy Floss is always spun
Out of who knows what!
And tastes of your bott!
And you feel the joke is on One!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

It seems the Lottery Of Life
Is filled with creepiness and strife!
 

IamSundog

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It seems the Lottery Of Life
Is filled with creepiness and strife!
You take your chances
On risky romances
Get your heart ripped out with a knife



My dog is much smarter than me
While I work, she just naps 'neath a tree
 

Dinobot

Justified & Ancient
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Under the floorboards...
My dog is much smarter than me
While I work, she just naps 'neath a tree
Chopping up some wood
The idea seemed good
Now I am dogless and lonely!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Started a Pet Cemetery?
An idea that seems so merry!
 

Recycled1

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It

Started a Pet Cemetery?
An idea that seems so merry!
You should take a look
At that Stephen King book
Creepy? I would say 'very'!

...........................................................

It must be geat fun to write
Stuff that gives the masses a fright
 

GNC

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It must be geat fun to write
Stuff that gives the masses a fright
You should work for the powers
That be for some hours
Nothing's scarier than political shite.

***

My new brain machine is a wonder
It's immune to all human blunder
 

Peripart

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My new brain machine is a wonder
It's immune to all human blunder
But when it's plugged in
My head starts to spin
And it's all I can do not to chunder


Augmented intelligence is great
You'll recall every significant date
 

Recycled1

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Augmented intelligence is great
You'll recall every significant date.
You'll never forget
The passwords you've set.
And for meetings, you'll never be late!

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
However, you may find yourself
Friendless, and left on the shelf!
 
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