Blitz Limericks

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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However, you may find yourself
Friendless, and left on the shelf!
Your monotonous drone
Will not find a home
You'll be as much fun as a skelf.

***

That Bela Lugosi's come back
To send reality out of whack
 

Tigerhawk

Dazed and confused...
Joined
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That Bela Lugosi's back
To send reality out of whack
With his great ninth plan
Cooked up by his Gran
So let us all cut him some slack!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Completely forget, if you could
All those films made by that Ed Wood
 

Dinobot

Justified & Ancient
Joined
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Under the floorboards...
Completely forget, if you could
All those films made by that Ed Wood[
All plans one through nine
Are less than divine
Even though he's misunderstood!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Anyone thought to dredge the lake?
For I am missing one yummy cake!
 

IamSundog

Not insane
Joined
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Anyone thought to dredge the lake?
For I am missing one yummy cake!
You think, underwater,
Your confection oughta'
Stay in one piece? Gimme a break!



Hop in and let's head to the bar
In my new Google self-driving car
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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Hop in and let's head to the bar
In my new Google self-driving car
Oh, wait a minute
Are we supposed to be in it?
It's gone off by itself, looks quite far.

***

What's a lot more handy for me
Is this time-saving, self-watching TV
 

Tigerhawk

Dazed and confused...
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What's a lot more handy for me
Is this time-saving, self-watching TV
All those cooking shows
And Spray Tan Bimbos
No longer fill me with great glee!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

When I said I love Bob Marley
I did it to win a Harley!
 

IamSundog

Not insane
Joined
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When I said I love Bob Marley
I did it to win a Harley!
In truth I despise
Those dreadlocked guys
But who cares? My new ride is gnarly!


If you're hungry then nothing beats a
Extra large piping hot pizza
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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If you're hungry then nothing beats a
Extra large piping hot pizza
Exciting new trends
For a machine that vends
That snack sound like a good eat, sir.

***

Yes, while at work or out shopping
Just choose yourself a nice topping
 

Dinobot

Justified & Ancient
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Under the floorboards...
Yes, while at work or out shopping
Just choose yourself a nice topping
Some chocolate sauce
Enough to drown a horse
It will earn you a big whopping!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Now for something truly bizarre
I have just bought this old clown car
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
Joined
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Now for something truly bizarre
I have just bought this old clown car
It has bells, and a horn
But the tyres look all worn
I doubt if I'll get very far.

.............................................
I now need a clown suit to wear
(It'll give those Rug Rats a scare)
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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I now need a clown suit to wear
(It'll give those Rug Rats a scare)
I'll come to YOUR town
And you won't track me down.
My identity's my own affair!

...............................................
There's a funny old chap down the road
Who keeps signalling, using Morse code.
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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There's a funny old chap down the road
Who keeps signalling, using Morse code.
I've worked out his theme
It comes from his dream
He says the world's gonna explode!

***

Why is the future never bright
In visions-to-be and second sight?
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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Why is the future never bright
In visions-to-be and second sight?
No happy ending
With angels ascending?
Just doom and gloom - am I right?

.......................................................
Rubbish -we've come a long way
Common sense may still save the day
 

Tigerhawk

Dazed and confused...
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Rubbish -we've come a long way
Common sense may still save the day
We won't leave Europe
We'll hug in a group
Said a drunken Teressa May!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I am not really that fussy
When choosing a raunchy hussy
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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I am not really that fussy
When choosing a raunchy hussy
So long as she's cheap
And won't fall fast asleep
I don't care if she's just a bit scruffy!

................................................
Yes, I'm drinking to make me forget,
Since you ask, and it hasn't worked yet!
 

Dinobot

Justified & Ancient
Joined
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Under the floorboards...
Yes, I'm drinking to make me forget,
Since you ask, and it hasn't worked yet!
I know what you did!
That is why I hid
In a barrel of wine, you bet!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Forget about the grapes of wrath
Just sit about doing some math
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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Forget about the grapes of wrath
Just sit about doing some math
With careful engraving
You can measure the paving
As you're led right up the garden path.

***

I was told long ago I'd get square eyes
But now TVs just aren't that size
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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I was told long ago I'd get square eyes
But now TVs just aren't that size.
I'm now very keen
On this room-sized screen
And those threats were a pack of lies!

........................................................
We all need a way to relax
Doing yoga is good for bad backs
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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We all need a way to relax
Doing yoga is good for bad backs
Why not take to the road
And make things explode
Driving at top speed like Mad Max?

***

If ever I'm feeling quite down
I just need to look at a clown
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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If ever I'm feeling quite down
I just need to look at a clown
And think "Well, thank God
I'm not quite that odd!"
As they frighten the folks round the town.

............................................................

Something changes in me, each full moon
Just a warning, it may happen soon!
 

Dinobot

Justified & Ancient
Joined
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Location
Under the floorboards...
Something changes in me, each full moon
Just a warning, it may happen soon!
I tear of my clothes
And strike ups pose
I'm really as mad as a spoon!

____________________________________________

Let us conduct a brand new poll!
Who likes to shake, rattle and roll?
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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Let us conduct a brand new poll!
Who likes to shake, rattle and roll?
I'm too old for all that
And it frightens the cat!
The years have taken their toll.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Have YOU got a secret to share?
I'll listen and keep mum, I swear!
 

Dinobot

Justified & Ancient
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Under the floorboards...
Have YOU got a secret to share?
I'll listen and keep mum, I swear!
You are going to woo
A pretty girl or two
Just those with an enormous pear?!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Since we're on the subject of fruit
This is good for your health, to boot!
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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Since we're on the subject of fruit
This is good for your health, to boot!
Yes, two boots are better
Or a rugby sweater
Maybe a marathon in your birthday suit.

***

Seems everyone these days are confused
It must keep someone amused
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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Seems everyone these days are confused
It must keep someone amused.
I'm incined to agree
Things just mystify me
The rules are 'used and abused'.

............................................
We're of the same mind, I think.
Tell you what, let's go for a drink!:)
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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We're of the same mind, I think.
Tell you what, let's go for a drink!:)
Irn Bru for me
I'm teetotal you see
OK, I'll have me a yard of ale to sink.

***

Guess what's happened now, well, good grief
I pick up numbers stations on my teeth
 

Tigerhawk

Dazed and confused...
Joined
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Guess what's happened now, well, good grief
I pick up numbers stations on my teeth
All "Old Timer" songs
They all stink of bongs
I'd hate to think what lies beneath!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Listen to radio stations
Is like a parade of nations
 

Dinobot

Justified & Ancient
Joined
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Location
Under the floorboards...
Listen to radio stations
Is like a parade of nations
So get up and groove
In the nude, please move
In whacky gyrations!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Got an image stuck in your head?
Then stop eating cheese before bed!
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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Got an image stuck in your head?
Then stop eating cheese before bed!
Consume lots of greens
These are the means
To dream of the test card instead.

***

I'll be honest, I'm really not pissed
But I jumped on the ground and then missed
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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I'll be honest, I'm really not pissed
But I jumped on the ground and then missed
So I'm in A & E
And they're plastering me
Cos I've broken my nose and my wrist.

............................................................
So I won't try that trick again
I'll act the most sober of men
 
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