Blitz Limericks

[Recycled1]

In the mood for a good old shock?
Hear me sing "Rock around the clock"!
It'll move you to tears
You'll stuff wool in your ears
And the kids will stand there and mock!

................................................................
Will you bother to put up a tree?
I'm afraid it's "Scrap Christmas" for me.

 

[Peripart]

Will you bother to put up a tree?
I'm afraid it's "Scrap Christmas" for me.
The holly and mince'll
Get binned with the tinsel
And I'll shout out "Bah - humbug!" with glee


You may think me somewhat a Scrooge
But my loathing for Xmas is huge

 

[GNC]

You may think me somewhat a Scrooge
But my loathing for Xmas is huge
Call me a fool
But this hatred of Yule
Is thanks to bad times on the luge.

***

Whenever I hear these reports
Of those dangerous winter sports

 

[Dinobot]

Whenever I hear these reports
Of those dangerous winter sports
Chasing piranha
Is quite a drama
Hear the crowds give their sharp retorts!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Yes, I was born in a manger!
And my dad was a park ranger

 

[Recycled1]

Yes, I was born in a manger!
And my dad was a park ranger
I'm not Jesus, I fear
But a cute little deer!
Did you hear of anything stranger?

...............................................
That Bambi film made me cry.
If you've watched it, you'll all know why.

 

[Dinobot]

That Bambi film made me cry.
If you've watched it, you'll all know why.
HIS MOTHER IS DEAD!
That'll mess with your head
You will sob all the way to bed!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

One of our planets is missing!
It disappeared with a hissing

 

[Recycled1]

One of our planets is missing!
It disappeared with a hissing.
Who told you that?
Trump? He's a prat!
His evidence warrents dismissing.

...............................................................
Don't believe all you read in the papers
Some stories will give you the vapours!

 

[GNC]

Don't believe all you read in the papers
Some stories will give you the vapours!
I think you'll find
If you live in your mind
You'll have more amusing capers.

***

I was born with a hat on, how odd
Is that proof of the existence of God?

 

[Recycled1]

***

I was born with a hat on, how odd
Is that proof of the existence of God?
Don't be daft! That was hair!
Some of it is still there
It catches the light when you nod!

............................................................................
Santa's real -I'm sure, I've got proof.
Last year I heard hooves on the roof!

 

[GNC]

Santa's real -I'm sure, I've got proof.
Last year I heard hooves on the roof!
Something in piles
Left on my tiles
Next time he tries it he'll go "OOF!"

***

It's gone wrong at our panto this winter
Some fool got it scripted by Pinter

 

[Recycled1]

***

It's gone wrong at our panto this winter
Some fool got it scripted by Pinter
It's all gloom and doom
Folks are leaving the room -
A real waste of ink from the printer!

..............................................................
Have you seen what's on at the Palais?
They're showing an O.A.P. ballet!

 

[GNC]

Bravo, Recycled!

Have you seen what's on at the Palais?
They're showing an O.A.P. ballet!
Their Margot Fonteyn
Just ignores the pain
In her joints that she feels normally.

***

Look there at the top of my tree
I'm progressive - no fairy for me

 

[Dinobot]

Look there at the top of my tree
I'm progressive - no fairy for me
A big hairy troll!
It is oh so droll
Fills me with unspeakable glee!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The shops are filled with Christmas tat
Soon chocky eggs this way and that!

 

[Tigerhawk]

The shops are filled with Christmas tat
Soon chocky eggs this way and that!
Why not sell all year
All that festive gear
Until our minds all just go splat!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Had enough of festive spirit?
Find it all just too much darn grit?

 

[IamSundog]

Had enough of festive spirit?
Find it all just too much darn grit?
Then decorate your door
With entrails and gore
Carolers won't go anywhere near it



I'll decorate my Yuletide wreath
With human bone fragments and teeth

 

[GNC]

I'll decorate my Yuletide wreath
With human bone fragments and teeth
Now my neighbour's not there
People do wonder where
He's gone, such a nice chap, that Keith.

***

Setting alight that nice Christmas pud?
Try a flamethrower? Really, you should!

 

[Tigerhawk]

Setting alight that nice Christmas pud?
Try a flamethrower? Really, you should!
For those arsonists
It adds neat twists
And avoid gaol time, if one could!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Sitting here, playing the lyre
I see my pants are on fire!

 

[Recycled1]

Sitting here, playing the lyre
I see my pants are on fire!
Is your middle name Nero?
A real anti -hero!
You've built your own funeral pyre!

...................................................
Abandon that violin
It's the cause of the foul mood you're in!

 

[Dinobot]

Abandon that violin
It's the cause of the foul mood you're in!
Take up the trombone!
You'll be on your own
Make your way through that case of fine!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

For those with abundance of soul
Pickle yourself in alcohol

 

[Recycled1]

For those with abundance of soul
Pickle yourself in alcohol.
Are you getting them in?
I'll have a large gin!
I prefer it to beer, on the whole.

............................................................
That strange chap I met yesterday
Swears aliens took him away

 

[GNC]

That strange chap I met yesterday
Swears aliens took him away
But all that it was
Would be Santa Claus
Recruiting for elves for his sleigh.

***

When back at the grotto tonight
Santa's greeted by this dreadful sight:

 

[IamSundog]

When back at the grotto tonight
Santa's greeted by this dreadful sight:
All his elves, who've succumbed
To a case of the runs,
Nearly made the loo, but not quite




You'd better not shout cry or frown
Cuz old Krampus is coming to town

 

[GNC]

You'd better not shout cry or frown
Cuz old Krampus is coming to town
He won't make much noise
As he scares girls and boys
Much more effective than a clown.

***

Of Rudolph, I hear that it's said
It's not just his nose that is red

 

[Recycled1]

Of Rudolph, I hear that it's said
It's not just his nose that is red.
These chimneys get hot
And he picked a bad spot
To sit down.Santa's put him to bed!

..............................................
He needs something to give him a lift -
Some carrots might make a nice gift?

 

[GNC]

He needs something to give him a lift -
Some carrots might make a nice gift?
Herald angels do sing
He wanted some bling
What are you, some kind of spendthrift?

***

There's not a lot of cash to go round
In stockings just tangerines are found

 

[IamSundog]

There's not a lot of cash to go round
In stockings just tangerines are found
But there'll be, have no fear,
An abundance of cheer
Once a few pints have been downed



I'm wondering just how this'll go
As I maneuver her under the mistletoe

 

[Recycled1]

I'm wondering just how this'll go
As I manoeuvre her under the mistletoe
Is she eager and willing?
Will you make a killing? **
Or will she rebuff you with "NO!"

**Alternative middle eight
With any luck
It'll end in a f*ck


----------------------------------------------------------------
Guess what I found in my tree
Caught up accidentally?

 

[GNC]

Guess what I found in my tree
Caught up accidentally?
A list of solutions
To last year's resolutions
Those of the New Year variety

***

Instead of driving myself insane
I resolve not to change - stay the same!

 

[IamSundog]

Instead of driving myself insane
I resolve not to change - stay the same!
So next year when I'm broke,
Overweight, and still smoke,
There's nothing and no one to blame



Let us sing now in celebration
Of God's greatest gift: fermentation

 

[Recycled1]

Let us sing now in celebration
Of God's greatest gift: fermentation
Have another? Yes please!
It's gone straight to my knees!
To be sober would cause lamentation!

.............................................................
However, in 2017
You'll see me fit, healthy and lean