Blitz Limericks

Tigerhawk

Resistance is futile!
Joined
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Skaro
My dance moves really are a hit
No, I am not having a fit!
Just being trendy
And very bendy
And make sure my pants don't split!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Why is there a worrying breeze?
An updraft above my knees!
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
Joined
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Why is there a worrying breeze?
An updraft above my knees!
I know what went wrong
You burst out of your thong
Buy yourself larger underwear, please!

...........................................................
Maybe it's time to invest
In a really warm thermal vest
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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Maybe it's time to invest
In a really warm thermal vest
But you'll feel rather silly
When no longer chilly
In hot summer it'll be a right pest.

***

Do you know what's available to get
In the form of an enormous pet?
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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Do you know what's available to get
In the form of an enormous pet?
You're out to impress
Your neighbours, I guess.
Have you shown them your tame python yet?

.......................................................

You'll need to build a high fence
That kangaroo is immense!
 

IamSundog

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You'll need to build a high fence
That kangaroo is immense!
It effortlessly hops
Over buildings and shops
And makes air traffic control tense



As she wiggles in those tight jeans
There's little doubt as to what it means
 

IamSundog

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As she wiggles in those tight jeans
There's little doubt as to what it means
But I'm much too refined
To pay any mind
Besides, I'm too old for such scenes




After Jonah escaped the cetacian
And was asked about his tribulation
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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After Jonah escaped the cetacian
And was asked about his tribulation
He said "Well, the smell
Was like something from Hell,
But I can't give you more information."

........................................................
"I shall never get back on a boat
And fish suppers get stuck in my throat!"
 

GNC

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"I shall never get back on a boat
And fish suppers get stuck in my throat!"
"Being inside that whale
Was beyond the pale
And that krill I ate just made me bloat."

***

Am I now on a parallel plane?
Where reality's gone down the drain?
 

IamSundog

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Am I now on a parallel plane?
Where reality's gone down the drain?
Where a champion of hate
Has become head of state
And decency's gone down the drain?



Wow, what an enormous toupee
So tell me - how much does it weigh?
 

GNC

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Wow, what an enormous toupee
So tell me - how much does it weigh?
And will it refrain
From affecting his brain
It's an alien parasite, you say?

***

These clown shoes I wear - a mistake
And my big red nose - it's a fake
 

Dinobot

Justified & Ancient
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Location
Under the floorboards...
These clown shoes I wear - a mistake
And my big red nose - it's a fake
As fake as the news
The media spews
That makes us as dumb as a rake!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Now it's time for Karaoke!
To sing songs that are oh, so twee
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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Now it's time for Karaoke!
To sing songs that are oh, so twee
When I sing Britney Spears
You'll dissolve into tears
And beg me to leave quietly!

.................................................
Did you know I had Super Powers?
I can hold my breath for hours!
 

GNC

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Did you know I had Super Powers?
I can hold my breath for hours!
Under the water
Longer than I oughta
Good grief - it's a shark that devours!

***

The second I walked in that shop
I could tell they thought I was a cop
 

Recycled1

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The second I walked in that shop
I could tell they thought I was a cop.
Shoplifters, I'm sure!
They made for the door
Before anyone there could shout"Stop!"

........................................................
A voice said "Excuse me, Ma'am
You've just set off the alarm"
 

GNC

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A voice said "Excuse me, Ma'am
You've just set off the alarm"
That kitchen knife set
You nicked for a bet
Could do us both a lot of harm.

***

Just how big do gorillas grow?
This week's documentary must show!
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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Just how big do gorillas grow?
This week's documentary must show!
As a pet? In a flat?
No, they're too big for that!
A hamster's the way to go.

*****************************************************
I was planting some bulbs ,when I found
Something strange buried deep in the ground
 

IamSundog

Not insane
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I was planting some bulbs ,when I found
Something strange buried deep in the ground
'Twas a wish-granting bean
Buzzing, glowing, and green
Now I'm raking in cash by the pound


For days I've been lost in this cave
It's hard to stay upbeat and brave
 

GNC

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For days I've been lost in this cave
It's hard to stay upbeat and brave
Whenever I shout
To be helped out
A whisper goes "Just you behave..."

***

I've become so afraid of the dark
I keep all the lights on, all stark
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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I've become so afraid of the dark
I keep all the lights on, all stark.
My electricity bill
Would make you feel ill
And the brightness makes all the dogs bark!

...........................................................................
My doctor gave this diagnosis:-
"Anxiety! Try self hypnosis.."
 

MercuryCrest

Justified & Ancient
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My doctor gave this diagnosis:-
"Anxiety! Try self hypnosis.."
For terminal pain
You can see me again
But I warn you, it's deep-vein thrombosis

***********************

My prognosis is not excellente
But my bath-nurse is muy calliente!
 

GNC

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My prognosis is not excellente
But my bath-nurse is muy calliente!
She barks like a seal
At my choice of meal
Cos the pasta is far from al dente.

***

My budgie and I had a chat
On the meaning of life, this and that
 

IamSundog

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My budgie and I had a chat
On the meaning of life, this and that
Her discourse amusin'
On how time's an illusion
Was cut short - she got ate by the cat



The stars so remote and ineffable
Shine upon this meatloaf indigestible
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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The stars so remote and ineffable
Shine upon this meatloaf indigestible
I followed Nigella
But I fear salmonella
My attempts as a chef are detestable.

********************************************************************

Let's see what I've got in the freezer
Or perhaps I'll just send for a pizza *


*my dear old mother in law really did make those two words rhyme! :)
 

GNC

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Let's see what I've got in the freezer
Or perhaps I'll just send for a pizza
A cucumber sandwich?
You're speaking my language!
That sounds just ripping and beezer!

***

Won't you join me for croquet on the lawn?
Or a game of ping-pong until dawn?
 

IamSundog

Not insane
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Won't you join me for croquet on the lawn?
Or a game of ping-pong until dawn?
Or the basement - shall we? -
To my laboratory
To admire my unholy spawn


For years in secret I have toiled
Forbidden secrets I've uncoiled
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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For years in secret I have toiled
Forbidden secrets I've uncoiled
Eternal youth?
I know the truth!
This lotion will preserve you unspoiled........

==================================

You ask me what happens next?
Well, there are a few side effects!
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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You ask me what happens next?
Well, there are a few side effects!
The sights I have seen
OK, I turned green
The reasons have left me perplexed.

***

My excursions in mind expansion
Led me to a fresh new dimension
 

IamSundog

Not insane
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My excursions in mind expansion
Led me to a fresh new dimension
Where flying's the norm
Thoughts take solid form
And time is barely worth a mention



My niece shows a marked proclivity
For The Theory of General Relativity
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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My niece shows a marked proclivity
For The Theory of General Relativity
She's had "Einstein" tattooed
Somewhere really quite rude
Only seen during sexual activity!

............................................................
I've heard they've found a Black Hole
Out in space, just beyond the North Pole
 
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