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Blitz Limericks

Dinobot

Justified & Ancient
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Location
Under the floorboards...
=
I've heard they've found a Black Hole
Out in space, just beyond the North Pole
It is really dense
And doesn't make sense
Why it would stink of rancid mole!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Going where no-one has gone before
Really used to be a great chore
 

IamSundog

Not insane
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Going where no-one has gone before
Really used to be a great chore
Until the invention
Of a low-cost warp engine
Now it's like going to the corner store




Penelope took up her pencil
And jotted some thoughts existential
 

Recycled1

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Penelope took up her pencil
And jotted some thoughts existential
She'd read Jean Paul Sartre
On the streets of Montmartre
And deemed her own views influential.

8888888888888888888888888888888888888888
She reckoned 'affairs of the heart'
Could be judged by the depth of a fart
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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She reckoned 'affairs of the heart'
Could be judged by the depth of a fart
An opinion relatable
Though highly debatable
And likely to split couples apart.

***

Although its behaviour is silent
I worry Bigfoot will turn violent
 

Dinobot

Justified & Ancient
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Location
Under the floorboards...
Although its behaviour is silent
I worry Bigfoot will turn violent
When asked "Marry Me?"
And won't be filled with Crypto-glee
In its bachelorhood, he's defiant!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'll never forget when Nessie
Caught fire in an ad for Pepsi
 

IamSundog

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I'll never forget when Nessie
Caught fire in an ad for Pepsi
His clumsy moonwalking
Set the fireworks rocking
Which ignited his tail - very messy!



The towering cumulonimbus
Rumbles deeply like God's marimbas
 

GNC

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The towering cumulonimbus
Rumbles deeply like God's marimbas
The prospect of ball lightning
I find most frightening
I don't want it to shiver me timbers.

***

They do say that Blackbeard the Pirate
Had more hair than the average primate
 

IamSundog

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They do say that Blackbeard the Pirate
Had more hair than the average primate
Which, when harvested daily
and formed in a bale, he
would rent to bald men at a prime rate



There's no proving how real you all are
I might be just a brain in a jar
 

Recycled1

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There's no proving how real you all are
I might be just a brain in a jar.
I've used remote viewing
To see what you're doing-
I've assessed you myself, from afar!

..............................................
I reckon you're a typical male
Fully formed, but no hooves or tail :)
 

GNC

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I reckon you're a typical male
Fully formed, but no hooves or tail :)
Amen to that -
Wait, wings of a bat?
And those horns, an immediate fail.

***

Will you please stop your car for the holy?
They're not a pedestrian goalie
 

IamSundog

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Will you please stop your car for the holy?
They're not a pedestrian goalie
I know it's amusing
To bump them while cruising
And send them tumbling roly-poly




I just love to ride my triceratops
How nimble and light through the air it hops
 

Recycled1

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I just love to ride my triceratops
How nimble and light through the air it hops
We cover the miles
And are greeted with smiles:
He's veggie of course -fed on Cocopops!

............................................................
What I write here may not be quite true
Your beliefs are, of course, up to you!
 

GNC

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What I write here may not be quite true
Your beliefs are, of course, up to you!
Most here may be fine
But I draw the line
At those minds which are filled with poo.

***

I don't want to give you a fright
But a lot of my opinions? Shite!
 

IamSundog

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I don't want to give you a fright
But a lot of my opinions? Shite!
Don't quote me or you'll
Look a complete fool
I'm really just not all that bright




I'm so rich, each night in my chateau
I roll naked in piles of dough
 

Recycled1

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I'm so rich, each night in my chateau
I roll naked in piles of dough.
Uncooked pastry, d'you mean?
Or banknotes, all green?
Either way, you're an odd bloke to know!

...............................................
Need counselling ? Give me a shout
If you pay me, I'll soon sort you out!
 

GNC

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Need counselling ? Give me a shout
If you pay me, I'll soon sort you out!
It's by no means exclusive
To feel all reclusive
She'll soon have you out and about.

***

I suggest an Elvis makeover
You need the King's major takeover
 

Recycled1

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I suggest an Elvis makeover
You need the King's major takeover
Invest in gold lame/ *
Eat loads of pastrami
With bread, but avoid a bakeover!

*I don't know how to put the accent over a letter, sorry!


###############################################

Excuse me, what's in this pie?
There's something that looks like an eye!
 

IamSundog

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Excuse me, what's in this pie?
There's something that looks like an eye!
You see what it's doing?
It's watching me chewing
And won't answer when I ask why




Years I've spent attempting the creation
Of my half-human abomination
 

GNC

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Years I've spent attempting the creation
Of my half-human abomination
Say, what's the deal?
You call that a meal?
This restaurant's the worst in the nation.

***

Is it wise to kneel on the ground
And play with the fairies I've found?
 

Recycled1

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Is it wise to kneel on the ground
And play with the fairies I've found?
You know very well
You'll be under their spell-
Go home and hide, safe and sound.

......................................................
Fairies aren't thought to be nice
They'll make you their slave, in a trice!
 

GNC

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Fairies aren't thought to be nice
They'll make you their slave, in a trice!
They may arrive singing
Their little bells ringing
But they're a front for a den of vice.

***

I've shrunk down to one inch in height
I can't grow back, try as I might
 

IamSundog

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I've shrunk down to one inch in height
I can't grow back, try as I might
The bottle with label
"Drink me" on the table - - -
Been trying to reach it all night




There's somebody watching my door
I've seen that white van there before
 

IamSundog

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There's somebody watching my door
I've seen that white van there before
They've microwave scanners
And video cameras
And microphones under my floor


With such an enormous moustache
When I turn my head I get whiplash
 

Recycled1

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With such an enormous moustache
When I turn my head I get whiplash.
It leaves smears round my ears
When I've had a few beers,
And gets caught in my sausage and mash!

.......................................................

I'd prefer you to shave off your beard
Its colour and smell are quite weird.
 
Last edited:

GNC

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I'd prefer you to shave off your beard
Its colour and smell are quite weird.
And prehensile, I swear
Please don't point it there
A life of its own - as I feared!

***

I got into a terrible guddle
When I absently stepped in that puddle
 

IamSundog

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I got into a terrible guddle
When I absently stepped in that puddle
To my knees I did sink
Splashed my jacket with ink
That'll never wash out, but the mud 'll


Here on this desert island we're stuck
We've searched it for food, but no luck
 

Recycled1

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Here on this desert island we're stuck
We've searched it for food, but no luck.
It's not very nice
But we've just rolled a dice
And it's ME who'll get eaten. Oh fuck!!

......................................................
I'm making a raft, at top speed!
Let me think fast what I'll need
 

IamSundog

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I'm making a raft, at top speed!
Let me think fast what I'll need
Some planks and some twine
A few spare kegs of wine
And for chumming the sharks - well, you'll bleed!


On my new white couch did she recline
Thereupon did she spill her red wine
 

GNC

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On my new white couch did she recline
Thereupon did she spill her red wine
The shape the stain made
As I ran to her aid
Made my finances feel less than fine.

***

I never shall take off my skates
Just roll around with them on my "plates"
 

Recycled1

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I never shall take off my skates
Just roll around with them on my "plates"
You just won't believe
The speed I achieve
I can overtake all of my mates.

.................................................
I do wish I had better brakes
'Cos I sometimes make painful mistakes
 
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