Blitz Limericks

GNC

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I do wish I had better brakes
'Cos I sometimes make painful mistakes
But with rockets attached?
My troubles dispatched!
Plus I'm always first to the cakes.

***

I fear we've a long way to go
With unseasonal ice, wind and snow
 

Recycled1

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I fear we've a long way to go
With unseasonal ice, wind and snow
My new bedding plants
Just won't stand a chance
It was too soon to buy them, I know.

......................................................
Gardening will suffer a hiatus
(Though right now, you should see my clematis!)
 

IamSundog

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Gardening will suffer a hiatus
(Though right now, you should see my clematis!)
The fertilizer I use
Is elephant poos
It's made everyone in town hate us


I wish that I had a green thumb
Plants that I touch always succumb
 

Recycled1

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I wish that I had a green thumb
Plants that I touch always succumb.
D'you remember to water ?
As for slugs -you must slaughter!
Keep the weeds down, for fresh growth to come.

************************************************

For rhubarb to reach a great height
Nip out and pee on it at night! *





*(I've actually heard this advice given! :))
 

GNC

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For rhubarb to reach a great height
Nip out and pee on it at night!
Ah, now you're talking
It uproots and starts walking
Then knocks on your door, it's that bright.

***

The trouble with sentient veg
They know you'll eat them, they allege
 

IamSundog

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The trouble with sentient veg
They know you'll eat them, they allege
Best to keep them in doubt
If they ask you straight out
So my advice would be to hedge



The humblest trickling fountain
Drop by drop slowly wears down the mountain
 

Recycled1

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The humblest trickling fountain
Drop by drop slowly wears down the mountain
So keep nagging your beloved
To get those little jobs covered
Make the deadline clear, and keep countin'!

*************************************************

Domestic life is never pure bliss
My advice to you would be this :-
 

Tigerhawk

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Domestic life is never pure bliss
My advice to you would be this :-
Let her have her way
At least for today
And tonight go out on the piss!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I am sorry for the above
Please do not slap me with your glove!
 

Recycled1

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I am sorry for the above
Please do not slap me with your glove!
I suggest a bouquet
Might save the day
And help you make peace with your Love.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Whist sorting through stuff in a drawer
I found this - can you guess what it's for?
 

Tigerhawk

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Whist sorting through stuff in a drawer
I found this - can you guess what it's for?
It wriggles about
And will make you shout
As it writhes all over the floor!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Watch out for those Damn Dirty Apes!
They will fling stuff at your new drapes!
 

GNC

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Watch out for those Damn Dirty Apes!
They will fling stuff at your new drapes!
Now, now, calm down
No need to frown
All they want is bananas and grapes.

***

Way back in my spelunking days
I found this did truly amaze:
 

IamSundog

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Way back in my spelunking days
I found this did truly amaze:
A ringing stalactite
That if you hit just right
Played the opening of Purple Haze


Step right on up, young fella
See Recycled dance the Tarantella
 

Recycled1

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Step right on up, young fella
See Recycled dance the Tarantella
I'll whirl round the floor
'Til you're shouting for more -
And for music, I'll sing, acapella!

************************************
There are many more things I can do
Would you like me to show them to you?
 

IamSundog

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There are many more things I can do
Would you like me to show them to you?
I can hang by my knees
From the tops of the trees
And can hold my breath till I turn blue




There's no need to throw things and scream
And stomp with your ears blowing steam
 

GNC

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There's no need to throw things and scream
And stomp with your ears blowing steam
Your overreaction
Will put you in traction
'Cause your strawberries didn't have cream.

***

Prince Philip, he just loves to laugh
Cares little about the odd gaffe
 

Recycled1

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Prince Philip, he just loves to laugh
Cares little about the odd gaffe.
Years ago , he was charming
Tho' somewhat alarming
When his comments were decidedly naff!

==================================
Will samples of my DNA
Prove I'm 'special' in every way?
 

GNC

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Will samples of my DNA
Prove I'm 'special' in every way?
My vestigial tail
And voice like a whale
Beats my green skin I must say.

***

Catweazle he came from the past
When TV was sure built to last
 

IamSundog

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Catweazle he came from the past
When TV was sure built to last
'Cross the pond here in my land
We had Gilligan's Island
Whose producers deserved to be gassed



Tem million years of evolution
Have led to Trump's counterrevolution
 

Recycled1

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Ten million years of evolution
Have led to Trump's counterrevolution
Will he start World War Three
Through his idiocy?
Or destroy the earth through pollution?

........................................................

It doesn't do to be fearful -
Try to think of something more cheerful
 

GNC

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It doesn't do to be fearful -
Try to think of something more cheerful
Look on the bright side
When there's lots to deride
It's either that or be tearful.

***

I don't know if I'm happy or sad
I found out an alien is my dad
 

Recycled1

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I don't know if I'm happy or sad
I found out an alien is my dad
It explains the six toes
And green fur on my nose
And the best night I've ever had.
============================
Dad's spaceship took me for a ride
They let me press buttons, inside!
 

GNC

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Dad's spaceship took me for a ride
They let me press buttons, inside!
But there were some issues
When I reached for the tissues
My brains had come out - they were fried.

***

There's no two ways about it, my bud
Space travel is now in my blood
 

Recycled1

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There's no two ways about it, my bud
Space travel is now in my blood
I aim to be famous
For mapping Uranus
I'd be there today if I could!

.............................................
There are jobs I must do before leaving
And I don't want my pussy cats grieving
 

GNC

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There are jobs I must do before leaving
And I don't want my pussy cats grieving
There's more to discuss
Than a tin of Whiskas
To do with life's bobbing and weaving.

***

You know what the funny thing is
About life getting us in a tizz?
 

IamSundog

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You know what the funny thing is
About life getting us in a tizz?
As the eons progress
It could not matter less
What was yours, mine, theirs, hers, or his



I ponder matters philosophical
As I sit and suck on my popsicle
 

Recycled1

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I ponder matters philosophical
As I sit and suck on my popsicle
The Cosmic Joker
Deals your hand of Poker
Royal Flush or just diabolical?

...........................................................

If I meditate here in this cave
Will I find all the answers I crave?
 

GNC

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If I meditate here in this cave
Will I find all the answers I crave?
The more that I look
At each new kook
The world seems designed to deprave.

***

I've cultivated here in my garden
A novelty plant, beg your pardon
 

IamSundog

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I've cultivated here in my garden
A novelty plant, beg your pardon
It's medicinal powers
Keep you going for hours
And make your old wang-doodle harden



My "miracle rejuvination"
Left me looking like a crustacean
 

Recycled1

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My "miracle rejuvination"
Left me looking like a crustacean
I've developed a shell
And a strange fishy smell.
It's a source of great consternation!

..........................................................

My hand has turned into a claw
And I can't walk straight any more
 
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