Blitz Limericks

GNC

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My hand has turned into a claw
And I can't walk straight any more
My new sideways gait
Has now made me late
Though I mind less being in a downpour.

***

They say there's magic in its single horn
But have you heard of a useful unicorn?
 

Tigerhawk

Resistance is futile!
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My hand has turned into a claw
And I can't walk straight any more
I stink of the sea
And damned walrus pee
Watch as I tear up the dance floor!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An octopus that tap dances?
I really don't fancy its chances!
 

feen5

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They say there's magic in its single horn
But have you heard of a useful unicorn?
the spells that they speak
are incredibly weak
And their potions should be treated with scorn


An octopus that tap dances?
I really don't fancy its chances!
Of finding a mate
or even a date
On saturday night in Atlantis


The merman's night out oft includes
the company of nubile young nudes
 

GNC

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[Thanks, feen!]

The merman's night out oft includes
the company of nubile young nudes
However it's definite
This is not to his benefit
For such creatures are terrible prudes.

***

The angler fish and its light:
Resist their attraction and might
 

Recycled1

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The angler fish and its light:
Resist their attraction and might
Prefer small fry instead.
Snap! And they're dead
While those nudies stay hidden from sight.

............................................................................
This question is somewhat obtuse -
How do mermaids reproduce?
 

GNC

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This question is somewhat obtuse -
How do mermaids reproduce?
Their aquatic mien
Is beyond our ken
Best not to ask - too abstruse.

***

The circus has rolled into town
So why is your smile now a frown?
 

Peripart

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The circus has rolled into town
So why is your smile now a frown?
The jugglers are harmless
The lions, far from charmless
I really can't see... SHIT! A clown!

I travelled to far-off Monrovia
All because of my coulrophobia
 

feen5

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I travelled to far-off Monrovia
All because of my coulrophobia
Because a red nose
and colourful cloths
are banned in this modern Utopia

The reason a clown wears big shoes
Has nothing to do with strong booze
 

Dinobot

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Location
Under the floorboards...
The reason a clown wears big shoes
Has nothing to do with strong booze
His big hairy feet
Like a Hobbits - neat!
Except in summer when they ooze.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Things have gone all green and runny
To fix will cost lots of money
 

Tigerhawk

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Things have gone all green and runny
To fix will cost lots of money
So just scrap it all
And then in the fall
Haunt somewhere warm and sunny.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Never dine with a vampire
You'll both end up on the pyre
 

GNC

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Never dine with a vampire
You'll both end up on the pyre
Bear in mind on your fling
There's no such thing
As bloodsuckers, he's a big liar.

***

Here's a witch bottle, don't let it waste
Open it and you have a taste
 

Tigerhawk

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Here's a witch bottle, don't let it waste
Open it and you have a taste
Tastes like eye of newt
Fang of bat, too boot!
And all ground up into a paste!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

It's nearly the witching hour?
Then I must take a quick shower!
 

feen5

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It's nearly the witching hour?
Then I must take a quick shower!
put on my hat
morph into a bat
and fly from my precipitous tower

The bat is surely the benchmark
For creatures that fly in the dark
 

Tigerhawk

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The bat is surely the benchmark
For creatures that fly in the dark
Are men called Bruce Wayne
His parents were slain
His life no longer has a spark.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My so secret identity
Can't tell you what it means to me
 

Recycled1

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My so secret identity
Can't tell you what it means to me
Just so you know
My 'alter ego'
Likes dressing alternatively!

.......................................................................

'Bah! Humbug!' did I hear you shout?
What's Christmas really about?
 

GNC

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'Bah! Humbug!' did I hear you shout?
What's Christmas really about?
Nobody resents
Getting their presents
So be thankful and stop with that pout.

***

God rest ye merry gentlemen, I say
Merry gentlewomen too, one week today
 

Recycled1

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God rest ye merry gentlemen, I say
Merry gentlewomen too, one week today.
Are your cupboards stocked full?
Have you crackers to pull?
Children's presents all hidden away?
......................................................
Off to Tescos now, fill that trolley!
Need some booze to help us feel jolly
 

GNC

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Off to Tescos now, fill that trolley!
Need some booze to help us feel jolly
Have you considered
Getting drink delivered?
Driving drunk is such a folly.

***

There's nothing Santa more resents
Than shouting at him, "Fat man - more presents!"
 

Recycled1

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There's nothing Santa more resents
Than shouting at him, "Fat man - more presents!"
He'll reply "You forgot
To say 'PLease' -that's your lot!
Your manners are worse than French peasants!"

....................................................................
All this rubbish about being 'good'
I'd be bad and have fun, if I could!
 

IamSundog

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All this rubbish about being 'good'
I'd be bad and have fun, if I could
Well, just chug cheap bordeaux
Like that tart Escargot
Then proceed to moon the neighborhood




I hear Santa’s standards are spotty
And he oft prefers girls who are naughty
 

GNC

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I hear Santa’s standards are spotty
And he oft prefers girls who are naughty
It's just his bad luck
Those girls have no truck
With a fat old bloke who's seeking totty.

***

Now, come on, that's not really fair
To be hanging the mistletoe there
 

Recycled1

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Now, come on, that's not really fair
To be hanging the mistletoe there.
I don't think you mean
For it to be seen -
That's jealousy for you, I swear!

..................................................
No quarrelling, thank you, this year
Last Christmas was stressful I fear.
 

GNC

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No quarrelling, thank you, this year
Last Christmas was stressful I fear.
This year will be better
With my nice new sweater
And socks with matching nightwear.

***

I heard a loud noise in the night
Was it Santa with presents' delight?
 

Recycled1

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I heard a loud noise in the night
Was it Santa with presents' delight?
No, 'twas some thieving sinner
Nicking stuff bought for dinner
All I'm left with is sprouts -it's not right!

.....................................................................

See, I'm wearing my Christmas hat
You can't get more festive than that!
 

IamSundog

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See, I'm wearing my Christmas hat
You can't get more festive than that!
It’s festooned with shells
And jingling bells
That I got from Anwar Sadat



On bitter cold nights in December
It’s a comfort to sit near the embers
 

GNC

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On bitter cold nights in December
It’s a comfort to sit near the embers
You won't catch your deaths
If you drink lots of meths
The frost doesn't matter on benders.

***

Get this thought into your brain, dear:
Stand ye not under Santa's reindeer
 

Recycled1

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Get this thought into your brain, dear:
Stand ye not under Santa's reindeer.
All those carrots, you see,
Left out specially
May have given them diarrhoea!

...............................................
Is Santa still fit to drive?
it's a wonder he's still alive!
 

IamSundog

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Get this thought into your brain, dear:
Stand ye not under Santa's reindeer
‘Cuz if anything’s hell, it’s
Being showered by pellets
And for God’s sake don’t hold open flame near



These imported Christmas tree ornaments
Have hand-painted depictions of porn events
 

GNC

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Heck, it's Christmas, let's do them both!

Is Santa still fit to drive?
it's a wonder he's still alive!
I tell you, if he dies
From tons of mince pies
And gallons of booze, it's contrived.

***

These imported Christmas tree ornaments
Have hand-painted depictions of porn events
The fairy on top
Goes with a pop
And it's plain to see what's in those presents.

***

They now say Chrimble won't be white
Global warming made it warm and bright
 
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