Blitz Limericks

IamSundog

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They now say Chrimble won't be white
Global warming made it warm and bright
Santa’s sporting shorts
And l’ve heard reports
That his reindeer have been shorn outright




I’m at the pub raising a glass
With the Spirit of Christmas Past
 

Dinobot

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Under the floorboards...
I’m at the pub raising a glass
With the Spirit of Christmas Past
Toasting and boasting
His timely ghosting
That all good things, you know, pass...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

(Sigh) Time passes like some gas
Fleeing like some spritely young lass
 

Tigerhawk

Resistance is futile!
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(Sigh) Time passes like some gas
Fleeing like some spritely young lass
She's oh, so nimble
Brain like a thimble
But she's buggered off, bold as brass!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The fault's really not in our stars
But in the backseat of our cars
 

GNC

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The fault's really not in our stars
But in the backseat of our cars
Unpaid parking tickets
Pizza boxes like thickets
Random strangers you've picked up in bars...

***

The Ben MacDhui man's not now grey
He's changed colour, and he's here to say
 

Tigerhawk

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The Ben MacDhui man's not now grey
He's changed colour, and he's here to say
Tellytubby red
Climbs into your bed
Romances you without delay!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

To Scotland for a Highland Fling
These days is just not the Done Thing!
 

IamSundog

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To Scotland for a Highland Fling
These days is just not the Done Thing!
One’s manhood just wilts
At the thought of wool kilts
And bagpipes doth make the ears sting



The pajammas that I look most cute in
Sport the visage of Vladimir Putin
 

GNC

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The pajammas that I look most cute in
Sport the visage of Vladimir Putin
His wide, cheeky grin
Speaks of Russian sin
Manly men all love him, you're darn tootin'.

***

I'm not sure about my new moustache
Each side resembles an eyelash
 

IamSundog

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I’m not sure about my new moustache
Each side resembles an eyelash
And so long, that I’ve found
That they drag on the ground
And collect every manner of trash



Said Picard to Deanna Troy
“Come on in. Look! I’ve got a new toy!”
 

Dinobot

Justified & Ancient
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Location
Under the floorboards...
Said Picard to Deanna Troy
“Come on in. Look! I’ve got a new toy!”
"See how it vibrates
As Data gyrates"
Deanna had none of his ploy

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Creature From The Black Lagoon
It has left us all far too soon!
 

IamSundog

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The Creature From The Black Lagoon
It has left us all far too soon!
The curvacious frills
Adorning his gills
Did cause all the ladies to swoon



A swarm of tiny dinosaurs
Has made their abode in my drawers
 

Recycled1

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A swarm of tiny dinosaurs
Has made their abode in my drawers
They keep me awake
With the noise that they make
Practising primaeval roars.

*********************************************
Our government's in a bad way
Is it curtains for Theresa May?
 

Dinobot

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Location
Under the floorboards...
Our government's in a bad way
Is it curtains for Theresa May?
Or just new carpets?
She has no regrets
The EU dragon she will slay

______________________________________________

Life, Jim, but not as we know it
With a scathing Oscar Wilde wit
 

Recycled1

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Life, Jim, but not as we know it
With a scathing Oscar Wilde wit.
I'm too old to care
Who said life was fair?
I've lived through all manner of shit!

=============================
Find out what helps keep you sane
Write limericks to sharpen the brain :)
 

GNC

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Find out what helps keep you sane
Write limericks to sharpen the brain :)
It's as if a good laugh
Is like a giraffe
Your mind will you feel far from the pain.

***

Only the best puns will make you groan
O the delight of a really good moan
 

Dinobot

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Under the floorboards...
Only the best puns will make you groan
O the delight of a really good moan
A night of passion!
Any old fashion
Romancing in a Square called Sloan!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Did ask the Doctors puppet Toad
 

Recycled1

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"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Did ask the Doctors puppet Toad.
What a boring old question!
May I make a suggestion?
It was practising the Highway Code.

**********************************************
Let's have an enlightened debate
Regarding the choice of a mate
 

GNC

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Let's have an enlightened debate
Regarding the choice of a mate
Can't even cope with a dog
But me and my pet log
Have in depth conversations, just great.

***

To live as serene as a tree
What a peaceful existence to be
 

Dinobot

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Under the floorboards...
To live as serene as a tree
What a peaceful existence to be
Except at Christmas
When Festive business
Chops you down such evil glee!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Dashing Through The Snow"? It's summer!
This winter stuff is a real bummer!
 
Last edited:

Recycled1

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"Dashing Through The Snow"? It's summer!
This winter stuff is a real bummer!
Wind and rain all the way
If you're in the U.K.
And faces couldn't look glummer.

*****************************************************************
Let's go for the personal touch
Home -made gifts don't have to cost much
 

GNC

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Let's go for the personal touch
Home -made gifts don't have to cost much
One soft white roll
Or a nice lump of coal
Get them to pay for it, or go Dutch.

***

I don't know why they all resents
My well-meaning gifts and presents
 

Tigerhawk

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I don't know why they all resents
My well-meaning gifts and presents
Twelve rancid goats heads
Placed next to their beds
Old Pagan Rites it represents!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

But unlike lambs to the slaughter
We go swimming is sea water
 

Recycled1

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But unlike lambs to the slaughter
We go swimming is sea water.
No-one's that bold
In Bournemouth, too cold!
Stay indoors, the way you oughta!

==========================================
Should I drink Baileys or gin?
It depends on the mood that I'm in.....
 

feen5

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Should I drink Baileys or gin?
It depends on the mood that I'm in.....
it gets rather risky
when i drink whiskey
Because it causes me to commit sin

For something to pour in your mouth
You can't beat a good pint of stout
 

Recycled1

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For something to pour in your mouth
You can't beat a good pint of stout
But too many rounds
Will put on the pounds
Parts of me have already gone south!

...................................................................................
That shop Santa has been marched away.
Caught thieving, I heard someone say
 

Tigerhawk

Resistance is futile!
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That shop Santa has been marched away.
Caught thieving, I heard someone say
Dashing through the snow
To gaol he will go
And he'll be laughing all the way.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Well, that took a turn for the worst!
Oh, my poor heart will surely burst!
 

Recycled1

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Well, that took a turn for the worst!
Oh, my poor heart will surely burst!
The one I adored
Has walked out, saying "Bored!"
My love-life has truly been cursed.

*****************************************

You should try internet dating
Someone gorgeous is out there, just waiting.......
 

feen5

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You should try internet dating
Someone gorgeous is out there, just waiting.......
with a touch oh so deft
swipe right, or swipe left
till you find a match that's not grating

I just found the love of my life
A fishmonger from the town of Fife
 

Peripart

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I just found the love of my life
A fishmonger from the town of Fife
Her pungent aroma
Reminds me of Cromer
I'm besotted - just don't tell the wife!

I've a fondness for all things piscine
On shellfish I'm really quite keen
 

GNC

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I've a fondness for all things piscine
On shellfish I'm really quite keen
When there's oysters about
You get your tackle out
Catch my drift, knoworrimean?

***

No turkey and sprouts for me this year
It's hedgehog on Tuesday, I fear
 

Recycled1

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No turkey and sprouts for me this year
It's hedgehog on Tuesday, I fear.
Avoid every prickle
(It'll do more than tickle)
You could try marinading in beer.

........................................................................
So what are you having for pud?
See those berries - are they any good?
 
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