Blitz Limericks

GNC

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So what are you having for pud?
See those berries - are they any good?
Please don't eat those -
You'll strip off your clothes
And roll on the ground in the nude.

***

If the diet for me gets an OK
Pudding will be one Ferrero Rocher
 

Dinobot

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Location
Under the floorboards...
If the diet for me gets an OK
Pudding will be one Ferrero Rocher
The size of a bus
So there'll be no fuss
And then I'll perform some ballet

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

It's the season to be jolly?
Then where should I stick this holly?
 

Recycled1

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It's the season to be jolly?
Then where should I stick this holly?
If you're tempted to wear
That stuff in your hair
You're going to look a right wally!

.......................................................................................

Take a look at that wreath on my door.
Something's wriggling inside it, I'm sure.
 

Dinobot

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Location
Under the floorboards...
Take a look at that wreath on my door.
Something's wriggling inside it, I'm sure.[
It's Recycled1
Eating a stale bun
And getting crumbs all over my floor!

----------------------------

Leaving something out for Santa?
Pork pies and a glass of Fanta!
 

Recycled1

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Leaving something out for Santa?
Pork pies and a glass of Fanta!
He won't be impressed
Coz what he likes best
Is a slurp from your cut glass decanter.

============================
Anyway, he's turned vegan this year.
Pork pies would offend him, I fear.
 

GNC

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Anyway, he's turned vegan this year.
Pork pies would offend him, I fear.
A tasty nut roast
Is what he'd like the most
Topped off with ten gallons of beer.

***

We'll have to give Santa a hand
Since he's fitted his gastric band
 

Recycled1

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We'll have to give Santa a hand
Since he's fitted his gastric band
Fresh veg in a box
To help him detox-
Organic, straight off the land.
==============================
He'll have to say his goodbyes
To traditional booze and mincepies
 

Dinobot

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Location
Under the floorboards...
He'll have to say his goodbyes
To traditional booze and mincepies
And to deep fried lard
His abs now rock hard
Goodbye to his hairy man thighs!

_______________________________________

Santa did what down your chimney?!
Shouting "HO! HO! HO!" with dark glee!
 

GNC

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Santa did what down your chimney?!
Shouting "HO! HO! HO!" with dark glee!
He's now so lean
He gave it a clean
By jumping straight down it, by Crimminy.

***

I can't think of anything stranger
Than a nativity scene sans a manger
 

Recycled1

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I can't think of anything stranger
Than a nativity scene sans a manger
And what would folks think
If Mary wore pink?
Don't put old traditions in danger.

............................................................................

There once was a young unicorn
Who did something rude with his horn
 

GNC

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There once was a young unicorn
Who did something rude with his horn
His insulting gesture
Had him put out to pasture
And left him feeling most forlorn.

***

As the fog of midnight doth descend
There is now no reason to pretend
 

Recycled1

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As the fog of midnight doth descend
There is now no reason to pretend
That I'm human and sane.
Why? I'm howling again,
Growing fur, and tail at one end!

......................................................................................................
Can a werewolf be kept as a pet?
If ill, could he go to the vet?
 

GNC

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Can a werewolf be kept as a pet?
If ill, could he go to the vet?
On a walk to the mall
He could find a pal
One more and you'll complete the set.

***

Saw a photo today of a squirrel
That's left the land all in a whirl
 

Recycled1

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Saw a photo today of a squirrel
That's left the land all in a whirl.
He got into the roof
Chewed through wires -I've got proof
And frightened some poor little girl. *

* When I was teaching, squirrels got into the canteen roof and did an awful lot of damage!

Do you feel the need to detox?
Take a look at the pills in this box......
 

Recycled1

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Saw a photo today of a squirrel
That's left the land all in a whirl.
He got into the roof
Chewed through wires -I've got proof
And frightened some poor little girl. *

* When I was teaching, squirrels got into the canteen roof and did an awful lot of damage!

Do you feel the need to detox?
Take a look at the pills in this box......
They're intended tp make
You prefer sprouts to cake
And you'll say "No thank you" to chocs.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Let's hope this New Year will be
The time when we will see
 

Recycled1

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Let's hope this New Year will be
The time when we will see
A ban on plastic
Wouldn't that be fantastic
For the creatures that live in the sea?

///////////////////////////////////////////////////

As I stand here doing the dishes
I need a fairy to grant me three wishes

(Come on someone! You can do it!)
 

GNC

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As I stand here doing the dishes
I need a fairy to grant me three wishes
But it's hard of hearing
And not endearing
When it lands me with a shoal of three fishes.

***

I tried living under a boulder
Give life in general the cold shoulder
 

Recycled1

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I tried living under a boulder
Give life in general the cold shoulder
But each earwig and worm
Would cause me to squirm
I gave up when the weather got colder.

//////////////////////////////////////////////

I've learnt to retreat to my bed
A nice place, it has to be said.
 

GNC

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I've learnt to retreat to my bed
A nice place, it has to be said.
I dive under the covers
Just myself - no lovers
And bury my face in Big Ted.

***

If human friendship is now most unsteady
Why not resort to a nice, furry teddy?
 

Recycled1

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If human friendship is now most unsteady
Why not resort to a nice, furry teddy?
You must realise that
I'm content with my cat.
For cuddles, he's always ready.

......................................................................
Do you think we could try remote viewing
To find out what Donald Trump's doing?
 

GNC

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Do you think we could try remote viewing
To find out what Donald Trump's doing?
Knowing our luck
Instead of raking muck
We'd just get an image of him pooing.

***

In the midst of morning meditation
I had a most divine revelation
 

INT21

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(actually thought this thread was related to limericks from the Blitz; silly me)

In the midst of morning meditation
I had a most divine revelation
a bright light I did see
 

GNC

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(actually thought this thread was related to limericks from the Blitz; silly me)
Blitz limericks is where you post the first two lines and someone else finishes off the last three lines, then starts again with a fresh two lines. Basically - you're two lines short!
 

GNC

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Oh darn it(I said to my friend)
this means I must go to the end
The rules of the blitz
Just get on your tits
And send you mad right round the bend.

***

One thing you can do with a cake
That you've taken quite some time to make
 

Recycled1

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[

One thing you can do with a cake
That you've taken quite some time to make
Is give ME some to test!
A large slice works the best
Tho' indigestion might keep me awake.

..................................................................................................
Are you sure those currants weren't flies?
They look dodgy , to my aging eyes.
 

INT21

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Are you sure those currants weren't flies?
They look dodgy , to my aging eyes
'look, one just flew away
it's the third one today
I'm not going to touch the mince pies.


Often, if I'm in a hurry
I just throw the dead flies in the curry
 

Recycled1

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Often, if I'm in a hurry
I just throw the dead flies in the curry.
Their fat content is low
And no-one will know.
Then for pud, we'll have a McFlurry.

////////////////////////////////////////////

I peel spuds with my latest invention
Patent pending, I hasten to mention.
 

GNC

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I peel spuds with my latest invention
Patent pending, I hasten to mention.
Never mind that small knife
It'll just cause you strife
Now you'll have lots of mash, no contention.

***

The reason Queen Bess liked to dally
With potato magnate Walter Raleigh
 

INT21

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The reason Queen Bess liked to dally
With potato magnate Walter Raleigh
He discovered the spud
(that's got to be good)
now who wouldn't want to get pally.


'I'll show off my latest invention'
or at least that was my first intention
 
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