Blitz Limericks

Recycled1

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'I'll show off my latest invention'
or at least that was my first intention.
But I might wait 'til when
I can make the Dragons'Den.
Its price? A bone of contention.

.................................................................................

Psst! Look what I've just found
It was lying here on the ground.
 

INT21

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Psst! Look what I've just found
It was lying here on the ground.
Is it dead, i can't tell
there's a real awful smell
it's all rubbery, red and it's round.

I walked by the light of the Moon
the Sun will be coming up soon
 

Recycled1

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I walked by the light of the Moon
the Sun will be coming up soon.
Out poachng again?
Two cocks and a hen?
The Fuzz'll be round before noon.


................................................................................
My horse- racing fan had a system
He picked winners and never missed'em.
 

INT21

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My horse- racing fan had a system
He picked winners and never missed'em.
But with girlfriends, no luck.
and his little black book
had ten names, but he never kissed 'em.

One day I will have lots of cash
and away I will go, like a flash.
 

GNC

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One day I will have lots of cash
and away I will go, like a flash.
To the bookmakers
My local money takers
Then I'll be back at a dash.

***

Like a machine that was missing a cog
There once was this poor, lovelorn frog
 

INT21

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Like a machine that was missing a cog
There once was this poor, lovelorn frog
who would croak through the night
(such a pity-full sight)
'Til one day he was killed by a dog.

Last night I was feeling, well, frisky
so I picked up old Gladys, and whiskey
 

Recycled1

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Last night I was feeling, well, frisky
so I picked up old Gladys, and whiskey.
We made for my shed
Where, it has to be said,
All my tools made wild love-making risky!
===============================
You know how I sat on those shears?
The shock almost had me in tears!
 

GNC

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You know how I sat on those shears?
The shock almost had me in tears!
Then that lawnmower
Really made you sore
And confirmed your worst gardening fears.

***

Tony Stark, he lives up to his name
Cashing on his great Iron Man fame
 

Tigerhawk

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Tony Stark, he lives up to his name
Cashing on his great Iron Man fame
But behind closed doors
Dressed like Diana Dors
Swans about with pride, not shame!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Sitting here in a dank hovel
Writing a Mills & Boon novel
 

feen5

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Sitting here in a dank hovel
Writing a Mills & Boon novel
when written in haste
its not very chaste
its really just meaningless waffle

When writing a movie sex scene
its not hard to be too obscene
 

INT21

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When writing a movie sex scene
its not hard to be too obscene
but if your the spouse
of Mary Whitehouse
each sentence must be squeaky clean

Old Shakespeare was good with a pen
he'd knock up a novel, and then
 

Recycled1

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[

Old Shakespeare was good with a pen
he'd knock up a novel, and then
He's put it on stage
(Men in tights, all the rage)
And we'd learn it at school, yet again.

...........................................................................

I like theatre with a bit of class
But I don't mean a Whitehall farce
 

INT21

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I like theatre with a bit of class
But I don't mean a Whitehall farce
But with chain saws and blood,
let it be understood
melodrama's a pain in the arse.

My days on the road, I confess
are something I shouldn't address
 

GNC

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My days on the road, I confess
are something I shouldn't address
I lived like a tramp
On a turn-off ramp
Frankly my life was a mess.

***

I wonder if Lemmy would have sold
More if he sounded like Doris Day, all told
 

Recycled1

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I wonder if Lemmy would have sold
More if he sounded like Doris Day, all told.
He did well enough
With such noisy stuff
All that head banging leaves me cold.

...................................................................................................

It;s karaoke nght-your turn to choose
How about some rhythm and blues?
 

Tigerhawk

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It's karaoke nght-your turn to choose
How about some rhythm and blues?
What about "My Way"?
But non lethal, hey,
And get no blood on my blue suede shoes!

++++++++++++++++++++==

You Ain't Nothing But A Hound Dog
Is the name of your brand new blog?
 

INT21

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You Ain't Nothing But A Hound Dog
Is the name of your brand new blog?
Hip swinging like Elvis
is tough on the pelvis
You'd best have a few shots of grog.

You hope things will work for the best
though at times you are put to the test
 

GNC

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You hope things will work for the best
though at times you are put to the test
Face up to the issue
You need toilet tissue
Because your pants you've just messed.

***

Surprising, on closer inspection
After trying some astral projection
 

INT21

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Surprising, on closer inspection
After trying some astral projection
I find i can fly
but don't ask me why.
I'm afraid it may cause some correction.

While looking on the dark side of the net
I see things that I wish I could forget.
 

Recycled1

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While looking on the dark side of the net
I see things that I wish I could forget.
Some stuff may be fake
Though it keeps you awake
Wondering how bad things can get.

============================

Cheer up! It'll soon be Spring
Birds and bees will be doing their thing.....
 

GNC

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Cheer up! It'll soon be Spring
Birds and bees will be doing their thing.....
Making a massive racket
My head - they will crack it
Please find something quieter to sing!

***

I've been seeing someone most odd
They call themselves a trickster god
 

Recycled1

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I've been seeing someone most odd
They call themselves a trickster god
Sounds suspicious, I feel.
Let me kow if he's real
A wink's as good as a nod!

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

It's really quite hard to believe
What that conjuror had up his sleeve
 

feen5

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It's really quite hard to believe
What that conjuror had up his sleeve
Just out of habit
you expect a white rabbit
not a Giraffe in trousers named Steve

Tricks of the mind were routinely
carried out by one Harry Houdini
 

Recycled1

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Tricks of the mind were routinely
carried out by one Harry Houdini
His feats under water
Make us certain we oughta
Study his methods more keenly.

.................................................................
Remember that strange David Blaine?
I hear he's been at it again.
 

Recycled1

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Remember that strange David Blaine?
I hear he's been at it again.
What he can do
Will mystify you
And he doesn't appear to feel pain.

..............................................................................
I 've been growing mushrooms from a kit
When this sprouted -do you recognise it?
 

INT21

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I 've been growing mushrooms from a kit
When this sprouted -do you recognise it?
Does it taste good ?
it looks like it should
will I die on the floor from a fit ?

I've heard, but is it really true
there is something about Irn Bru
 

Peripart

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I've heard, but is it really true
There is something about Irn Bru
A source whom I trust
Says it's made from wet rust
(Which would explain the bright orangey hue)

The Scots - gotta love 'em - have tried
Pretty much every foodstuff deep-fried
 

INT21

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The Scots - gotta love 'em - have tried
Pretty much every foodstuff deep-fried
But the best one by far
is a deep fried Mars bar
It's a joy, and the pride of the Clyde.

a girl said to her taxi driver
'I hear your an expert muff diver.
 

GNC

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a girl said to her taxi driver
'I hear your an expert muff diver.
He showed no surprise
Simply rolled his eyes
And said "Look, just pay me the fiver."

***

When I tried to climb an oak tree
The Brigade had to rescue me
 

INT21

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When I tried to climb an oak tree
The Brigade had to rescue me
I'd put it down to my youth
but to tell you the truth
I'm just senile; as you all can see.

Last night I was wresting with Jane
she was winning the fight, yet again.
 
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