Blitz Limericks

GNC

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But should it all come to an end.
It was so nice to know you, my friend.
Wait - we're still here
On this blue and green sphere
This has really sent me round the bend.

***

If the Earth is as flat as some say
And we live on a pancake, we may
 

Recycled1

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If the Earth is as flat as some say
And we live on a pancake, we may
All fancy a nibble
(Maple syrup? Just a dribble...)
Until the ground beneath us gives way.

---------------------------------------
If the earth were really flat
You'd fall off the edge and go splat!
 

INT21

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If the earth were really flat
You'd fall off the edge and go splat!
But, I hear you say
it is far,far away
and to fall off you must be a prat.

But climb to the edge if you must.
And find some safe ledge that you trust
 

IamSundog

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But climb to the edge if you must.
And find some safe ledge that you trust
If you look down and see
A giant tortoise shell, we
will all have some ideas to adjust


I’ve set out some coffee and juices for
My expected breakfast guest Lucifer
 

Dinobot

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Location
Under the floorboards...
I’ve set out some coffee and juices for
My expected breakfast guest Lucifer
Is hot and steamy
And oh, so dreamy!
So I'll leave him begging for more!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Face all sorts of mutant hurdles!
 

GNC

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Face all sorts of mutant hurdles!
And they want to ban
Limericks that don't scan
Or have the correct number of syllables.

***

Let us now bid farewell to the flies
And insects no matter what size
 

INT21

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Let us now bid farewell to the flies
And insects no matter what size.
if they bite, nip or sting
or flit past on the wing
to avoid them is probably wise.

My brother is like the old pelican
his mouth can hold more than his belly can
 

Recycled1

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My brother is like the old pelican
his mouth can hold more than his belly can
Hold his nose -make him swallow!
Or who knows what will follow -
He might spit it out in that jerrycan.

..............................................................................
If you're short on those social graces
You'll see disapproving faces.
 

INT21

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If you're short on those social graces
You'll see disapproving faces.
Knife in the wrong hand ?
you'll find you'll be banned
from eating in many posh places.

But you'll be welcome at our local chippy
especially on nights that are nippy
 

IamSundog

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But you'll be welcome at our local chippy
especially on nights that are nippy
Just grab a cold one, see
Andmake yourself comfy
Unless you’re some dope smokin’ hippy


My neighbor is clearly insane
He’s torn down my house with a crane
 

INT21

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My neighbor is clearly insane
He’s torn down my house with a crane
Now the house wrecking thief
is in Tenerife.
Unlikely I'll see him again.

So I'll wait for a while in a shack
With a shotgun, and if he comes back
 

Recycled1

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So I'll wait for a while in a shack
With a shotgun, and if he comes back
I'll fill him with holes,
Hide him down with the moles,
And claim he was first to attack.

Perhaps, on reflection, I'll run!
A sentence in jail won't be fun.
 

IamSundog

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Perhaps, on reflection, I'll run!
A sentence in jail won't be fun
I’ll give ‘em the slip
And hop a freight ship
To the land of the midnight sun



I’ve been overfeeding my monkey
He’s starting to look a bit chunky
 

Recycled1

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I’ve been overfeeding my monkey
He’s starting to look a bit chunky.
But he still looks cute
In his fez and suit
A plump little furry flunky.

.........................................................

I've taught him to answer the door
And he knows what the intercom's for.
 

INT21

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I've taught him to answer the door
And he knows what the intercom's for.
But the snag is he's French
So he greets each wench
with' sex dear Madam, j'adore


Oh death, I ask, where is thy sting ?
From a rapier, or some other thing
 

GNC

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Oh death, I ask, where is thy sting ?
From a rapier, or some other thing
Accept it's a given
That you'll go on livin'
For the joy each new morning will bring.

***

When a cowboy you wanted to be
I thought you meant Wild West, you see
 

INT21

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When a cowboy you wanted to be
I thought you meant Wild West, you see
But you meant as a builder,
with your cousin Hilda
now it all make complete sense to me.

While swimming one day down the skagarrak.
I happened to suffer a fish attack.
 

Recycled1

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While swimming one day down the skagarrak.
I happened to suffer a fish attack.
Those scaly punks
Destroyed my trunks
And I went home in just my anorak.

..........................................................................

I was spotted by a cop
Who shouted at me "Stop!"
 

INT21

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I was spotted by a cop
Who shouted at me "Stop!"
You ran off with a melon
you're just a nasty felon
I see you picked the biggest of the crop

So they sent me away to old Alcatraz
No night clubs, no nice girls, no jazz
 

IamSundog

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So they sent me away to old Alcatraz
No night clubs, no nice girls, no jazz
Hope my pet cricket Jiminy
Can protect my virginity
With whatever powers he has


If not, guess my second best pitch
Is becoming Big Bubba’s bitch
 

INT21

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If not, guess my second best pitch
Is becoming Big Bubba’s bitch
He is gentle and kind
I just hope he don't find
he's in here because of my snitch.

If he does, then he may just get mad
and my future will look rather bad.
 

Recycled1

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If he does, then he may just get mad
and my future will look rather bad.
I'll be beaten to pulp
And my life will be, "gulp",
The shortest a man's ever had.

.......................................................................................

My cat's cuter than yours
He's got little 'thumbs' on his paws.
 

GNC

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My cat's cuter than yours
He's got little 'thumbs' on his paws.
He can scratch any itch
With them, or just hitch
While up on two legs, not all fours.

***

It's a very hard thing to go prove
But I'm sure I saw that statue move
 

INT21

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It's a very hard thing to go prove
But I'm sure I saw that statue move
A trick of the light ?
No, I'm sure I was right
Your mind is just stuck in a groove.

While grooving with my aunty Elsy
in a swish bar in elegant Chelsea.
 

IamSundog

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Too late, lost your chance:

While grooving with my aunty Elsy
in a swish bar in elegant Chelsea.
My elastic snapped
All the bystanders clapped
So I slunk off trying to be stealthy





I opened my door to a panda
Spouting communist propaganda
 

INT21

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I opened my door to a panda
Spouting communist propaganda
I said 'look here, old bear
I really don't care
sauce for the goose is just sauce for the gander

He's trying to sell me red herrings
So I went to get some Lea and Perrings
 

Recycled1

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He's trying to sell me red herrings
So I went to get some Lea and Perrings
Made do with H.P.
(It's Conservative, see?)
Uncertain political bearings.

..............................................................
You might say that I 'sit on the fence'
Today's policies don't make much sense.
 

GNC

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You might say that I 'sit on the fence'
Today's policies don't make much sense.
You may also have sussed
Here they can't be discussed
Lest they make both mods and posters tense.

***

I know the world's all very serious
But I can't bring myself to be furious
 
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