Blitz Limericks

INT21

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I know the world's all very serious
But I can't bring myself to be furious.
We all know the score
'cause we've seen it before
There's nowt new, or even mysterious.

When walking in some principality
amazed at my own sexuality
 

Recycled1

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When walking in some principality
amazed at my own sexuality
I lifted my tunic
and found I was a eunuch -
'Twas Heaven, and I'd suffered a fatality.

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
So enjoy your time here while you can.
Our lives have a limited span.
 

IamSundog

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So enjoy your time here while you can.
Our lives have a limited span.
There’s no way to duck it
We all kick the bucket
Regardless of what we’ve got planned


Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky
Waited outside my door to accost me
 

Recycled1

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Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky
Waited outside my door to accost me
I'd played many a wrong note
In a piece that he wrote.
All those arpeggios really lost me.

.............................................................................

I'd better check if my neighbour's in
Before I practise my violin
 

IamSundog

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I'd better check if my neighbour's in
Before I practise my violin
Because my intonation’s
An abomination
And my tone’s like a moose stoned on gin





I never claimed to have much talent
I’m not just being humble or gallant
 

GNC

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I never claimed to have much talent
I’m not just being humble or gallant
I'm such a dope
There's really no hope
And I can't life my own weight like a small ant.

***

I say, when I made this pancake
I didn't expect help from a snake
 

INT21

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I say, when I made this pancake
I didn't expect help from a snake
but the snakes name is Sid
and he's only a kid,
tomorrow he's helping me bake.

I realised I'm not some poor sod
in fact, I believe I'm a god.
 

Recycled1

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I realised I'm not some poor sod
in fact, I believe I'm a god.
Do you have the physique?
Are your powers at their peak?
If they are, then give me a nod!

....................................................................
I could use supernatural aid
To sort out the messes I've made.
 

INT21

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I could use supernatural aid
To sort out the messes I've made.
Though I fear it's too late
I am stuck with my fate
the Piper, I know, must be paid.

But next time around I'll do better
I'll be a tycoon, a go-getter
 

GNC

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But next time around I'll do better
I'll be a tycoon, a go-getter
Now you're being silly
And it's getting chilly
Do you want me to fetch you a sweater?

***

Out of everything that I've seen
I didn't expect my hair turning green
 

INT21

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Out of everything that I've seen
I didn't expect my hair turning green.
But it says on the can
boil it twice in a pan
and then use a lead lined tureen.

I really should look at the label
but I leave things like that to wife Mabel
 

IamSundog

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I really should look at the label
but I leave things like that to wife Mabel
Though she’s lately begun
Serving frog on a bun
I’m afraid sh’e becoming unstable


I took her to visit a shrink
Who listened, then said with a blibk
 

INT21

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I took her to visit a shrink
Who listened, then said with a blink
whatever you do
do not eat the stew
What's in it I do dread to think.

So I sent her to live with my sister
and I know that I aught to have missed her
 

Recycled1

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So I sent her to live with my sister
and I know that I ought to have missed her
But I've found someone new
Half my age - gorgeous, too
I was smitten as soon as I kissed her.

..............................................................................
But my wife has found out, and is mad.
She's told all my friends I'm a cad .
 

IamSundog

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But my wife has found out, and is mad.
She's told all my friends I'm a cad
If she wants to divorce me
She won’t have to force me
As a matter if fact I’d be glad


The trouble with love and romance
Is that they leave you in a trance
 

GNC

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The trouble with love and romance
Is that they leave you in a trance
They've broken your heart
And heard you fart
Also, seen you in your pants.

***

My word, I think that I've just sussed it
How to swallow a bulb and not bust it
 

INT21

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My word, I think that I've just sussed it
How to swallow a bulb and not bust it
So, laugh if you will
but a whole daffodil
will go down quite quick if you thrust it.

Oh, you mean a bulb made of glass
I think that really must pass
 

Recycled1

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Oh, you mean a bulb made of glass
I think that really must pass
Through your system, whole
(Like a small eyeless mole)
Til it pops out -like that! -from your arse.

.........................................................................
Don't think I'm nosey or rude,
But why choose strange objects as food?
 

IamSundog

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Don't think I'm nosey or rude,
But why choose strange objects as food?
My marble chess pawn
And rare coins are gone
And my laptop looks like it’s been chewed


I think that this answers the question
As to why you suffer indigestion
 

GNC

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I think that this answers the question
As to why you suffer indigestion
A meal that was light
Was what I had, all right?
Other objects? I'm not under suspicion.

***

I believe that I may be in trouble
On meeting my identical double
 

Recycled1

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I believe that I may be in trouble
On meeting my identical double
What he smart, just like you?
And intelligent, too?
Or scruffy, with long hair and stubble?

...............................................................................
You could pair up and play the odd trick
But don't land yourselves in the nick
 

INT21

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You could pair up and play the odd trick
But don't land yourselves in the nick.
My wife said 'oh Ben,
Can you do that again?.
And if you're not Ben, just be quick..
 

Recycled1

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You could pair up and play the odd trick
But don't land yourselves in the nick.
My wife said 'oh Ben,
Can you do that again?.
And if you're not Ben, just be quick..

Come on then, where are our next two starter lines? :)
 

INT21

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(ooops)

It seems I've forgotten the lines
A good job they don't give out fines.
 

GNC

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It seems I've forgotten the lines
A good job they don't give out fines.
It's OK, no banishment
Our usual punishment
Is a stay down the pits and the mines.

***

Something you must really avoid
If you have your very own pet android
 

INT21

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Something you must really avoid
If you have your very own pet android
Give no trouble or strife
'cause unlike your wife
she could split your poor head open wide.

But really, my android is great.
She makes a magnificent mate.
 

Recycled1

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But really, my android is great.
She makes a magnificent mate.
Good at sex, makes the bed shake!
(Never moans of a headache)
Keeps the house in impeccable state.

..........................................................................
So you'd like to try one , too?
Just think what your wife would do!
 

IamSundog

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So you'd like to try one , too?
Just think what your wife would do!
She might be relieved
That she’s been reprieved
And can be finished dealing with you



It’s such a relaxed lazy feeling
To be floating up here near the ceiling
 

INT21

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It’s such a relaxed lazy feeling
To be floating up here near the ceiling
My android bakes
these magnificent cakes
the ingredients leave my head reeling.

When I get to heaven, the first thing I'll ask
Is 'do you have vodka ?. I've got my own flask.
 

GNC

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When I get to heaven, the first thing I'll ask
Is 'do you have vodka ?. I've got my own flask.
To put the kibosh
On that there's just squash
Any drunkards are taken to task.

***

It is a true test of your mettle
When you're stared at by your kettle
 
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