Blitz Limericks

INT21

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It is a true test of your mettle
When you're stared at by your kettle
To just turn your back
not to shout out 'Your black'!
I'm Pan, and I'll leave you in Settle.

I whistle a tune as I go on my way.
Some people like, but others will say
 

Recycled1

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I whistle a tune as I go on my way.
Some people like, but others will say
"You keep going flat
So shut up, you prat!
If you plan to live one more day."

....................................................................................

It's not like me to grumble
But what's this in my apple crumble?
 

INT21

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It's not like me to grumble
But what's this in my apple crumble?
It says 'a la carte'
but just think of my heart
my survival odds just took a tumble.

The last time I walked down this street
A strange man I happened to meet
 

Recycled1

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The last time I walked down this street
A strange man I happened to meet
At first he looked normal
Hair tidy, clothes formal
Then I happened to spot his webbed feet!

..........................................................................................
Big and yellow , like those of a duck!
To be born like that must be bad luck.....
 

IamSundog

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Big and yellow , like those of a duck!
To be born like that must be bad luck.....
He’d best not sit still though
There’re makers of pillows
Who’re eager his feathers to pluck



When there’s someone I want to sock it to
I bring out my white crested cockatoo
 
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GNC

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When there’s someone I want to sock it to
I bring out my white crested cockatoo
It's Wildean wit
Makes it real hot shit
When it comes to excuses to mock at you.

***

If there's one thing I'm certain of, bud
It's that I don't wish to suck any blood
 

INT21

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If there's one thing I'm certain of, bud
It's that I don't wish to suck any blood
As a vampire I'm finished
the urge is diminished
I'd bite you, if only I could.

All the vampires I meet laugh at me
I guess that it's so plain to see
 

Recycled1

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All the vampires I meet laugh at me
I guess that it's so plain to see
My teeth have all gone.
I'm existing upon
Digestive biscuits and tea!

........................................................................................
Even a vampire can change.
I'm considering Spar's vegan range.
 

IamSundog

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Even a vampire can change.
I'm considering Spar's vegan range.
Blood oranges, bloodroot,
Blood-red beets to boot -
Not such a difficult exchange!



Would you please desist honking your horn
It’s three forty five in the morn
 

INT21

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Would you please desist honking your horn
It’s three forty five in the morn.
Just think about me
and then you may see
why I wish you had never been born.

And before I get back into be
I should give you a kick in the head
 

GNC

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And before I get back into bed
I should give you a kick in the head
You're not Dean Martin -
He wouldn't be fartin'
And look at your face, it's all red.

***

I don't think that I'll ever sicken
To hear the song of the beautiful chicken
 

Recycled1

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***

I don't think that I'll ever sicken
To hear the song of the beautiful chicken
Who crossed over the road
And was used, with a toad,
To make spells by a group who were Wiccan.

..............................................................................
They're building a structure of straw.
Best avoid it - guess what it's for?
 

feen5

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They're building a structure of straw.
Best avoid it - guess what it's for?
if you think its digs
for one of 3 little pigs
its true purpose will stick in your craw

Just imagine those poor little swine
With no abode in which to dine
 

INT21

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Just imagine those poor little swine
With no abode in which to dine
But a nice outside trough
does the job well enough
but they'll have to cut down on the wine.

Red Riding Hood came to my shed
she said 'come now, let's jump into bed'
 

Recycled1

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Red Riding Hood came to my shed
she said 'come now, let's jump into bed'
'Granny's not on the scene
And the wolf's a "has been"
We'll make sexy music instead'.

.......................................................................................
Georgie Porgie was listening outside
"I was hoping she'd choose me" he cried.
 

INT21

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Georgie Porgie was listening outside
"I was hoping she'd choose me" he cried.
I won't make her cry
and my pudding and pie
makes me famous and so full of pride.

So I think that it now is my duty
to go try and wake Sleeping Beauty
 

IamSundog

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So I think that it now is my duty
to go try and wake Sleeping Beauty
But I don’t want to kiss
People spread germs like this
I’ll just give her a slap on the booty


The Seven Dwarves and Snow White
Have a special arrangement at night
 

INT21

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The Seven Dwarves and Snow White
Have a special arrangement at night
They invite Bo Peep
around for a sleep
and they frolic until the dawn light.

In a dungeon, dark and so cold
is where all the bad boys grow old
 

GNC

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In a dungeon, dark and so cold
is where all the bad boys grow old
So Martin and Will
With their big contracts still
Plan on making more movies, all told.

***

I feel I have something to say
'Cause I've opened up Hell's gateway
 

Recycled1

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I feel I have something to say
'Cause I've opened up Hell's gateway
There's a long list of names
Folk who'll end up in flames
So repent of your sins while you may!
.....................................................................
You can rectify this situation -
Donate funds to my organisation!
 

INT21

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You can rectify this situation -
Donate funds to my organisation!
At 'Go to Heaven.org'
we are all above board
and will help you avoid your damnation.

But. if it true you have been rather evil
And your morals are those of a weevil
 

IamSundog

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But. if it true you have been rather evil
And your morals are those of a weevil
Your soul’ll be condemned
To spend time without end
Watching the films of Vin Diesel


Look at this cute toy dog I got ya
When you squeeze he sings “La Cucaracha”
 

INT21

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Look at this cute toy dog I got ya
When you squeeze he sings “La Cucaracha”
A cockroach serenade
so my old Spanish maid
can kill 'em whilst saying 'I gottcha'.

my dad said to Ma 'you're a bitch
you drove my Merc into a ditch
 

Recycled1

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My dad said to Ma 'you're a bitch
you drove my Merc into a ditch
You're going to pay,
And you'll do it my way'
(He's suffering the seven year itch!)

...............................................................................................

Celibacy may be boring
But it's better than 20 years'warring!
 

INT21

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Celibacy may be boring
But it's better than 20 years'warring!
So MGTOW unite
don't put up with their shite
relax, man, you're free to go whoring.

Some women (some say quite a lot)
believe that all men should shot
 

GNC

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Some women (some say quite a lot)
believe that all men should shot
But instead of murder
Let's go to the larder
And make a nice pasta sauce in the pot.

***

Here's a creature that's all small and whiny:
It's a Bigfoot, except that he's tiny
 

Recycled1

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Here's a creature that's all small and whiny:
It's a Bigfoot, except that he's tiny.
I don't mean to be cruel -
That's a monkey, you fool!
He's come out 'cos he saw something shiny.

.......................................................................................

Poor light can cause much confusion
That ghost was just an illusion.
 
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IamSundog

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Poor light can cause much confusion
That ghost was just an illusion.
‘Twas Recycled, in white,
Gone to pee late at night
And her nightie caught on an extrusion


When she pulled away the nightgown tore
And was left hanging there on the door
 

INT21

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When she pulled away the nightgown tore
And was left hanging there on the door
hubby said, 'oh darling Jane
up to your little tricks again
let's do it now, on't bathroom floor'.

Come here, I find you so alluring
(but maybe not the cold tile flooring)
 

Recycled1

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Come here, I find you so alluring
(but maybe not the cold tile flooring)
"OK" she said"
"Let's head for the bed."
"But afterwards, don't start snoring!"

............................................................................
Some habits are hard to bear.
Don't drop your laundry right there!
 
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