Blitz Limericks

GNC

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It's getting too crowded for me.
darn foreigners is all that we see
But in the end
They'll all be your friend
Instead fear the lizard folk from V.

***

When I was being monitored asleep
I'm afraid I let out a small peep
 

INT21

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When I was being monitored asleep
I'm afraid I let out a small peep
How the doctor did laugh
he said 'look at this graph
at two thirty it took such a leap'.

Nurse said 'come on young Sidney, it's time
to make use of this hose pipe of mine
 

IamSundog

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Nurse said 'come on young Sidney, it's time
to make use of this hose pipe of mine
You’ll feel such a frisson
When you assume the position
And then what comes after - - sublime!



I can’t think of anything stupider
Than mounting a mission to Jupiter
 

INT21

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I can’t think of anything stupider
Than mounting a mission to Jupiter
Those Jovian gals
just don't want to be pals
but I emailed one, I'm off to meet her.

'But come now' I hear people say
you know it's an awful long way
 

Dinobot

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Location
Under the floorboards...
'But come now' I hear people say
you know it's an awful long way
Between Bedroom Eyes
And contented sighs
When you live a life fun and gay!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

But it's bigger on the inside!
Said in a tone that's never snide
 

Recycled1

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But it's bigger on the inside!
Said in a tone that's never snide
Like that wardrobe we know?
Off to Narnia we'll go,
Dressed in furs and game for the ride

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////

You never know what you will meet
Is it human ? Just check the feet!
 

INT21

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You never know what you will meet
Is it human ? Just check the feet!
does it have more than two ?
that is surely a clue
it considers you something to eat.

Can I fly through the air like a bird ?
I know you may call that absurd.
 

GNC

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Can I fly through the air like a bird ?
I know you may call that absurd.
Have to say, my main worry
Is when you've had a curry
And decide to let slip a turd.

***

You say he's from space, in that suit
I have to reply "Alien, my foot!"
 

IamSundog

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You say he's from space, in that suit
I have to reply "Alien, my foot!"
“That’s only a prop
From an old costume shop
The fact that he levitates is moot”



That girl from Venus, when I kissed her,
She’s so hot I’m sporting a blister
 

Recycled1

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That girl from Venus, when I kissed her,
She’s so hot I’m sporting a blister.
That bimbo from Saturn
Was nowt but a slattern
But wow! -try dating her sister.

..................................................................
There's a gorgeous young cutie from Mars
Whose embraces will make you see stars.
 

IamSundog

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There's a gorgeous young cutie from Mars
Whose embraces will make you see stars.
That’s how her game starts
Then she steals earthlings’ hearts
And keeps them in specimen jars



You haven’t lived till you’ve been tickled by
That coquette from Zeta Recticuli
 

Dinobot

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Location
Under the floorboards...
You haven’t lived till you’ve been tickled by
That coquette from Zeta Recticuli
In your special place
Just below your face
As you heave a contented sigh!
==============================================================

From here I can see Uranus!
Said my drunken neighbour Seamus
 

Recycled1

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From here I can see Uranus!
Said my drunken neighbour Seamus
"Put that telescope down
You pervy old clown"
I yelled,"Such behaviour is heinous!"

....................................................................................
I called the police to his door
Waving truncheons, they gave him "what for".
 

IamSundog

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I called the police to his door
Waving truncheons, they gave him "what for"
Untll through his spy glass
They spied a shapely lass
And saw fit to investigate more


One of my favorite hobbies
Is observing heavenly bodies
 

Recycled1

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One of my favorite hobbies
Is observing heavenly bodies
Are we talking celestial?
Or are your thoughts bestial?
I was guessing that camera was somebody's!

.............................................................................................

I think I've discovered Life's Meaning
And it's not about cooking or cleaning
 

Dinobot

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Location
Under the floorboards...
I think I've discovered Life's Meaning
And it's not about cooking or cleaning
It's watching cartoons
Acting like buffoons
If you're that way leaning!

++++++++++++++++++++++

If you are a grumpy old fart
Giving "no good youngsters" a start
 

Tigerhawk

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If you are a grumpy old fart
Giving "no good youngsters" a start
An earful of strife
For enjoying life
Then take them out with a poisonous dart!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Here's something you should never do
When shovelling elephant poo
 

GNC

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Here's something you should never do
When shovelling elephant poo
Don't fall or trip
For if you should slip
You'll be coloured brown feeling blue.

***

It's coming from out the black hole!
Like the heart of an internet troll!
 

Recycled1

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[



It's coming from out the black hole!
Like the heart of an internet troll!
What's coming? Earth's End?
Heard that before, my friend!
Scaremongering rigmarole!

.........................................................................
Those Aliens are helpful and kind
They don't mean to take over your mind
 

IamSundog

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Those Aliens are helpful and kind
They don't mean to take over your mind
They’re just here to fix up
Our planet and stuff
And probe you if you’re so inclined



There ensued somewhat awkward confusiion
When I had a date with that Venusian
 

GNC

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There ensued somewhat awkward confusiion
When I had a date with that Venusian
She refused to split the bill
When I'd had my fill
And accused me of Martian collusion.

***

I know this sounds kind of strange
But there's an object above within range
 

Recycled1

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I know this sounds kind of strange
But there's an object above within range
I used to dismiss
Alien crafts as a myth
But my views are beginning to change.

..................................................................................
I can see flashing lights, and hear bleeps
To be honest it gives me the creeps!
 
Last edited:

IamSundog

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I can see flashing lights, and hear bleeps
To be honest it gives me the creeps
They’re hovering outside
And now a big-eyed
Bug creature through my window peeps



In my stylish cravat and fedora
I feed my carnivorous flora
 

Recycled1

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In my stylish cravat and fedora
I feed my carnivorous flora.
It'll grab ME I fear
If I venture too near -
It exudes a malevolant aura!

................................................................

A crusty old gardener called Fred
Prepared a new vegetable bed.
 

IamSundog

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A crusty old gardener called Fred
Prepared a new vegetable bed
His choice of fertilizer
Was his wife - he despised her
The tomatoes came out plump and red


My neighbor was out back last night
Digging a deep hole by torch light
 

GNC

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My neighbor was out back last night
Digging a deep hole by torch light
He gave more than a frown
When he went too far down
Into the sewer and covered in shite.

***

In springtime I cannot get enough
Of the countryside peep of the chough
 

Recycled1

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In springtime I cannot get enough
Of the countryside peep of the chough.
Are big tits fun to view?
You might see them, too!
Grab your wellies and bird- watching stuff!

................................................................................................
Steer clear of that old country yokel
He'll swear at folks who aren't local
 

GNC

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Steer clear of that old country yokel
He'll swear at folks who aren't local
And please close the gate
Lest he grow irate
And aim birdshot at parts that are focal.

***

I can't believe what I'm seeing right now
A dance between that bull and cow
 

Recycled1

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I can't believe what I'm seeing right now
A dance between that bull and cow.
So what steps are they doing?
I can hear lots of mooing!
Take some photographs quick, anyhow!

....................................................................................
What d'you mean, they've stopped for a rest?
You put my credulity to test!
 

GNC

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What d'you mean, they've stopped for a rest?
You put my credulity to test!
There's a term to be coined
When they've been joined
By the others in the herd, they're obsessed.

***

It's OK, I think that I'm fine
After witnessing the dancing bovine
 
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