Blitz Limericks

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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Now off you go to the gym.
Your trainer's strict ? Bully for him!
You drank too many shots?
Do press ups and squats
Drink water -you won't feel so grim.

...........................................................................................

Each night when I crawl into bed
Strange ideas pop into my head
 

IamSundog

Not insane
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Each night when I crawl into bed
Strange ideas pop into my head
I imagine at least
Fifty magical beasts
Prancing out of my back garden shed


When I walked out my door - holy mackerel!
‘Cross the sky flew a huge pterodactyl!
 

feen5

Justified & Ancient
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When I walked out my door - holy mackerel!
‘Cross the sky flew a huge pterodactyl!
And on the river below
in a boat going slow
was Olympic gold medalist James Cracknell

The mighty lizard looked likely to poop
as it fell from the sky with a swoop
 
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GNC

King-Sized Canary
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The mighty lizard looked likely to poop
as it fell from the sky with a swoop
The band S Club 7
Turned their gaze towards heaven
And the creature splattered the whole group.

***

I don't want to sound here too drastic
But I know what to do with waste plastic
 

Recycled1

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I don't want to sound here too drastic
But I know what to do with waste plastic.
Are you sure? Is that true?
We'll all send ours to YOU!
Are you making something fantastic?

................................................................................
Plastic bottles can make Christmas trees
If you're handy, and easy to please.
 

GNC

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Plastic bottles can make Christmas trees
If you're handy, and easy to please.
The whole human race
Can escape to space
With a plastic spacecraft I will tease.

***

I don't want to make you all surly
But you can think of Christmas too early
 

IamSundog

Not insane
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I din't want to make you all surly
But you can think of Christmas too early
Reindeer all swoon
In the hot sun of June
And who’d want to see Santa’s curlies?


The gnomes in their caverns are grumbling
As the oil wells set their abodes crumbling
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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The gnomes in their caverns are grumbling
As the oil wells set their abodes crumbling.
If they have to move out
They'll cause damage, no doubt,
As through gardens and woods they go stumbling.

.........................................................................................................

Something strange has been happening
I keep finding this huge fairy ring
 

GNC

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Something strange has been happening
I keep finding this huge fairy ring
It really is scary
At least it's not hairy
I wonder if I should now map the thing?

***

In the library I found a large tome
Too big to check out and take home
 

IamSundog

Not insane
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In the library I found a large tome
Too big to check out and take home
On the subject of bats
And cooking them in vats
Written by some scruffy old gnome


There’s nothing I like quite so well
As wet dogs - the way that they smell
 

ChasFink

Devoted Cultist
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There’s nothing I like quite so well
As wet dogs - the way that they smell
With great anticipation
I await precipitation
 

Recycled1

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There’s nothing I like quite so well
As wet dogs - the way that they smell
With great anticipation
I await precipitation
I'm a bit strange that way, can you tell?

.....................................................................................
I gave up cigarettes long ago
But I still like the smell of tobacco
 

Dinobot

Justified & Ancient
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Location
Under the floorboards...
I gave up cigarettes long ago
But I still like the smell of tobacco
In enema form
It is the new norm
Just pop one in and off I go!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

From a strange place is a smoke ring
I tell you, it's the coming thing!
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
Joined
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Location
HM The Tower of London
From a strange place is a smoke ring
I tell you, it's the coming thing!
Come, take a big puff
Of that nicotine guff
You'll love how it makes your eyes sting!

Now of course there will always be haters
Who object to our rhymes about flatus
 

ChasFink

Devoted Cultist
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Now of course there will always be haters
Who object to our rhymes about flatus.
They don't see the art
In poems about fart
Nor in ones we write 'bout masturbaters.

______________[BTW, thanks to Recycled1 for fixing my omission of a last line in "wet dogs" above.]____________

My neighbor does not mean to flirt
Through her window as she doffs her shirt.
 

IamSundog

Not insane
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My neighbor does not mean to flirt
Through her window as she doffs her shirt.
That ChasFink stares in awe
As she unhooks her bra
While he crouches ‘neath shrubs in the dirt




As for me, I am much too refined
To pay such sights any mind
 

GNC

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As for me, I am much too refined
To pay such sights any mind

I look the other way
Each night and each day
Not for me the appeal of bump and grind.

***

By this time I'm spiritually sure
That my every thought is so pure
 

ChasFink

Devoted Cultist
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By this time I'm spiritually sure
That my every thought is so pure
That Lord God will pardon
Each youthful hard-on
Now that I'm so mature.

***
What's up with that Mr. Babbit
And his nice fluffy little white rabbit?
 

IamSundog

Not insane
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What's up with that Mr. Babbit
And his nice fluffy little white rabbit?
In his trousers crotch
Is the bunny’s hutch
He keeps trying to get Recycled to grab it


As well he has a sizable candle
He’s trying to get her to handle
 

Recycled1

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As well he has a sizable candle
He’s trying to get her to handle.
I've told you before
I'm a LADY! What's more
I prefer to avoid all the scandal.

...............................................
I'd cuddle a REAL furry bunny
Or I might hold a snake -for the money!
 

GNC

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I'd cuddle a REAL furry bunny
Or I might hold a snake -for the money!
Wrestle a bear
Race eagles through the air
But spiders make me feel most unfunny.

***

And lo, it must now come to pass
Prophecies seen through this magnifying glass
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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And lo, it must now come to pass
Prophecies seen through this magnifying glass
Are bound to come true.
Could sell one to you?
You'll find fortune telling's a gas!

........................................................................
I'm calling myself "Gypsy Lee"
I shall make lots of money -you'll see!
 

INT21

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I'm calling myself "Gypsy Lee"
I shall make lots of money -you'll see!
I'll buy houses and villas
with gold plated pillars
Let the tax man come looking for me.

And later, when I'm down in Hell
lots of stories of wealth I will tell
 

GNC

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And later, when I'm down in Hell
lots of stories of wealth I will tell
Meanwhile up in heaven
Their motors are revvin'
As they cry, "That name rings a bell!"

***

You know what they say about men
With big feet - and Bigfoot, do ye ken?
 

INT21

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You know what they say about men
With big feet - and Bigfoot, do ye ken?
His feet bigger than most ?
so let's raise a toast
to proportional members, say when.

I creep late at night down the sewer.
To me there's a certain allure
 
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GNC

King-Sized Canary
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I creep late at night down the sewer.
To me there a certain allure
The rats are my friends
The fun never ends
Though the folks around me number fewer.

***

The swine were alarmed in the region
When Christ cast out the demon Legion
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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The swine were alarmed in the region
When Christ cast out the demon Legion
Now pork is demonic
to Muslims, and Sonic
the Hedgehog is purely symbolic.

My heart sings with joy, on the table
a pie made by my true love, Mabel.
 

ChasFink

Devoted Cultist
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My heart sings with joy, on the table
a pie made by my true love, Mabel.
Is it apple or mince,
Peach, cherry, or quince?
I do wish she'd give it a label!

It's easy for me to embarrass
My new secretary, Miss Harris.
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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It's easy for me to embarrass
My new secretary, Miss Harris.
At the hint of a wink
she blushes quite pink
I hope I can take her to Paris.

But really there's no chance of that.
One again it will be me and Pat.
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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But really there's no chance of that.
One again it will be me and Pat.
Pat's your wife, do we guess?
If she's not, then confess,
And we'll brand you a cheating rat!

...............................................................................
Is monogamy really that great?
Are you likely to find your soul mate?
 
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