Blitz Limericks

INT21

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Is monogamy really that great?
Are you likely to find your soul mate?
In a town near to you
if not, do as I do
go cruising, it's a very big State.

Or is your marriage really quite set
in concrete, and there's 'no regret'
 

Recycled1

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Or is your marriage really quite set
in concrete, and there's 'no regret'
If so, good for you!
Wish mine had been, too.
Second chances are hard to get.

.......................................................................
When standing before the vicar
The bridegroom was heard to snicker
 

ChasFink

Devoted Cultist
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When standing before the vicar
The bridegroom was heard to snicker
"Her sis slept with me
And her cousin, you see.
I do hope they don't start to bicker."

..............
I don't see how you can say
That Edna St. Vincent Millay
 

Recycled1

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..............
I don't see how you can say
That Edna St. Vincent Millay
Is all but forgotten.
In her time, she was spot on!
A feminist in every way.

....................................................................................
Fancy cheese may be good for the soul
But it won't help your cholesterol
 

GNC

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Fancy cheese may be good for the soul
But it won't help your cholesterol
But plenty of exercise
Gives you rock hard thighs
And allows you to eat your cheese roll.

***

As I stood on the mountain top high
On the horizon was one massive fly
 

Recycled1

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***

As I stood on the mountain top high
On the horizon was one massive fly
It came buzzing my way
So I reached for the spray
Too late! It flew straight in my eye!

...........................................................................

I have a nasty suspicion
It's stuck there -I need an optician
 

INT21

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I have a nasty suspicion
It's stuck there -I need an optician
But i can't see my way
so here I must stay
it no longer is my decision.

I'm off ma, I said to my mother
but fear not, you've still got my brother
 

Recycled1

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I'm off ma, I said to my mother
but fear not, you've still got my brother
No,I'm travelling alone
Just clean pants and a phone!
Yes, I'm sure that we'll miss one another!

...............................................................................

After all, I was 40 this year
I'll "look after myself" , never fear!
 

INT21

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After all, I was 40 this year
I'll "look after myself" , never fear!
If it comes to the crunch
I could be back for lunch
But I should get my arse into gear.

I remember old dad said to me
'Just go son, that's how it must be'
 

Recycled1

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I remember old dad said to me
'Just go son, that's how it must be'
'Leave home, choose a wife,
Find a job, get a life!
We can't keep you indfinitely!'

.............................................................................
So I set off to seek my fortune
(A rich widow, maybe, to importune?)
 

INT21

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So I set off to seek my fortune
(A rich widow, maybe, to importune?)
But I end up with old Sal,
a nice enough gal
who'll be creeping off out the back door soon.

But I say' what the hell, I'll be free
No more flighty lovers for me
 

GNC

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But I say' what the hell, I'll be free
No more flighty lovers for me
I'll no longer mingle
It's best to be single
I'm not keen on embarrassment, you see.

***

If there's one thing that really annoys
It's a sudden burst of the brown noise
 

Recycled1

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If there's one thing that really annoys
It's a sudden burst of the brown noise.
That sounds racist to me!
(I'm no scientist, see?)
Put me right, you technical boys.

...............................................................................
A clever young chappy from CERN
Tried to teach me things I should learn
 

GNC

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A clever young chappy from CERN
Tried to teach me things I should learn
Sound that makes you poo?
That will never do
They deserve all the money they earn.

***

Thunder - is that all you got?
The weather's still humid and hot
 

Recycled1

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Thunder - is that all you got?
The weather's still humid and hot.
The sun's shining here
Sit outside, have a beer.
Working hard? Keeping fit? Not a lot!

....................................................................................
The garden could do with some rain
And getting the hose out 's a pain.
 

GNC

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The garden could do with some rain
And getting the hose out 's a pain.
To water the flowers
I'll use psychic powers
And wet the garden with my brain.

***

At one ancient temple I found
An alien artefact in the ground
 

Recycled1

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At one ancient temple I found
An alien artefact in the ground
One end's pointy and long
And might be a prong
The other end's squishy and round.

..........................................................................
Oo-er, it's begun to vibrate!
Better drop it before it's too late.
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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Location
HM The Tower of London
Oo-er, it's begun to vibrate!
Better drop it before it's too late.
But my hands have gone numb
And it's slipped up my bum
So all I can do is gyrate.

The alien turned up, frustrated
'Thought I'd left it right here!' he stated
 

GNC

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The alien turned up, frustrated
'Thought I'd left it right here!' he stated
"If I'm late to arrive,
"It has been a long drive,
"But better here now than belated."

***

I'm now all decked out like Bigfoot
Thanks to the latest apeman suit
 

Recycled1

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I'm now all decked out like Bigfoot
Thanks to the latest apeman suit.
May I suggest
A bullet proof vest?
A hunter might spot you, and shoot!

........................................................................

Those big hairy feet look quite real!
They are? Goodness me! Let me feel.....
 

GNC

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Those big hairy feet look quite real!
They are? Goodness me! Let me feel.....
Don't get me in a pickle
I really do tickle
Easily, and it's a very big deal.

***

Oh dear, I've lost my pet beagle
It was grabbed in the beak of a seagull
 

IamSundog

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Oh dear, I've lost my pet beagle
It was grabbed in the beak of a seagull
Quick! Hand me my rifle!
That thieving bird’s life’ll
be through! Though that’s not strictly legal...


The sun is about to go nova
It looks like the party is over
 

feen5

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The sun is about to go nova
It looks like the party is over
unless we all flee
to the next galaxy
with the divine help of Jehovah

When seeking the help of a deity
It helps to know about divinity
 

GNC

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When seeking the help of a deity
It helps to know about divinity
Get your soul settled right
And you'll be outta sight
As you zoom off straight into infinity.

***

Well, now I have never seen the like
A chimp just rode by on a trike
 

INT21

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Well, now I have never seen the like
A chimp just rode by on a trike
he was moving at speed
and he had a clear need
to get onto the nearest turnpike.

One night I was sat in at bar
in some town in the USSR
 

Recycled1

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One night I was sat in at bar
in some town in the USSR
And there's no disputin'
The bar tender was Putin.
How's he managed to come so far?

..........................................................................
I'd magic our Boris away
Let him live in the U.S. of A.
 

GNC

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I'd magic our Boris away
Let him live in the U.S. of A.
I must deride a
Musical spider
It's the worst Who track around, I must say.

***

As I opened the top secret files
Congratulating my espionage wiles
 

INT21

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As I opened the top secret files
Congratulating my espionage wiles
There were knocks on the door
Ma said 'son, it's the law
I guess you'll be gone for a while.

Now I'm off to Guantanamo Bay
all the bad boys are there, so they say
 

Recycled1

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Now I'm off to Guantanamo Bay
all the bad boys are there, so they say.
Well, do as you're told
Eyes down, don't look bold
And perhaps you'll escape one fine day.

..........................................................................................
In a dungeon, all dark, damp and cold
You can hear ghostly howls, I am told.
 

INT21

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In a dungeon, all dark, damp and cold
You can hear ghostly howls, I am told.
But I've sat here all night
and not one came in sight
so maybe these spooks aren't so bold.

So come on now, let's see something cool.
Apparitions, or maybe a ghoul.
 
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