Blitz Limericks

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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So come on now, let's see something cool.
Apparitions, or maybe a ghoul.
Shall we take a chance
And hold a seance?
The ouija board could be our tool.

..............................................................................................

P'raps that's not such a brilliant idea
We'd be asking for trouble, I fear.
 

INT21

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P'raps that's not such a brilliant idea
We'd be asking for trouble, I fear.
Daemons may just come out
banshees screech and they shout.
let's all go out instead for a beer.

There is a fiend like thing stood by my bed
it has body and arm, but no head.
 

GNC

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There is a fiend like thing stood by my bed
it has body and arm, but no head.
You have beer on the brain
You should refrain
From leaving an empty glass by the stead.

***

That shed in the yard leaves me daunted
I must admit I believe that it's haunted
 

ChasFink

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That shed in the yard leaves me daunted
I must admit I believe that it's haunted
I go in and all
My tools fly off the wall-
It's a situation that's most unwanted!
...
Why does that spectre just stand
Before me, waving its hand?
 

INT21

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Why does that spectre just stand
Before me, waving its hand?
I discovered at last
it's a ghost from the past
conducting the local brass band.

How lovely to watch the Sun rising
on Clacton, you think that's surprising ?
 

INT21

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How lovely to watch the Sun rising
on Clacton, you think that's surprising ?
If you looked out the door
just to see the rain pour
you'd be sad, and your house would have flies in.

I'll be jolly, and chat up our Mabel
And perhaps she'll have wine on the table
 

GNC

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I'll be jolly, and chat up our Mabel
And perhaps she'll have wine on the table
I don't mean to scold
But she is so old
Her favourite film star's Betty Grable.

***

I know the Yeti stands quite tall
But I thought he was 100ft overall
 

Recycled1

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I know the Yeti stands quite tall
But I thought he was 100ft overall.
What a daft idea!
You were fooled, I fear
By the shadow he cast on the wall.

................................................................................
Things can be quite small, but scary
Take spiders -long legged and hairy
 

GNC

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Things can be quite small, but scary
Take spiders -long legged and hairy
Those beasties and bugs
Are just little thugs
And of each of them I am still wary.

***

I wonder of the Bigfoot's relative
Called Bigtoe - what is his narrative?
 

IamSundog

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I wonder of the Bigfoot's relative
Called Bigtoe - what is his narrative?
He’s small as most midgets
But with huge pedal digits
So good arch support is imperative


Bigfoot visited a podiatrist
And inquired as to whether he could assist
 

GNC

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Bigfoot visited a podiatrist
And inquired as to whether he could assist
Now when he walks the lands
He does so on his hands
And needs more strength from the wrist.

***

George Adamski believed he was blessed
When the space brothers said he was the best
 

INT21

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George Adamski believed he was blessed
When the space brothers said he was the best,
But really he was just a schmuck
who often tried to make it look
too easy, who would have guessed ?

But George could never give you facts
about those far galactic tracts
 

IamSundog

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But George could never give you facts
about those far galactic tracts
He claimed collocutions
With comely Venusians
- - A tale that was riddled with cracks


I dreamed I was nude, in a crowd
The fact of which I was not proud
 
Last edited:

INT21

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I dreamed I was nude, in a crowd
The fact of which I was not proud
Please don't tell my folk
'cause they wont see the joke
and measure me up for a shroud.

Now let me see Sir, is it true
all the locals will not talk to you
 

Tigerhawk

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Now let me see Sir, is it true
all the locals will not talk to you
It's the way you speak?
Turn the other cheek
When you talk up a streak that's blue!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Camel hair shirts?! Oh, not again!
They make me look very pagan!
 

INT21

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Camel hair shirts?! Oh, not again!
They make me look very pagan!
but they're itchy and smelly
and rub on one's belly
and really I can't stand the pain.

In Norfolk, I hear, all the farmers
go out late at night in pajamas
 

IamSundog

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In Norfolk, I hear, all the farmers
go out late at night in pajamas
But when they hear loons
By the light of the moon
They go running home to their mamas


While floating about near the ceiling
Enjoying a cup of Darjeeling
 

INT21

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While floating about near the ceiling
Enjoying a cup of Darjeeling
It entered my head
am I maybe dead ?
or is it the way that I'm feeling ?

There's a cafe called Dante's in Hell
It's hot, with a very strange smell
 

ChasFink

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There's a cafe called Dante's in Hell
It's hot, with a very strange smell
Of sinners who are burning
While on spits they are turning
And a quite tasty shawarma as well

The Devil's a quite handsome dude
but in his manners he's rude.
 

INT21

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The Devil's a quite handsome dude
but in his manners he's rude.
He is quiet erudite
but he don't give a shite
He knows that your already screwed.

Up in Heaven the the folk are more placid
and the poor guys ? eternally flacid
 

INT21

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Up in Heaven the the folk are more placid
and the poor guys ? eternally flacid
And the Saints say, 'you see
that's the way it must be
but fear not, try some of this acid'.

Said Boris 'oh what shall I do
they don't want me to build HS2
 

Dinobot

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Location
Under the floorboards...
Said Boris 'oh what shall I do
they don't want me to build HS2
Install me as P.M
Politics? Ahem!
Keep that up, you'll end up in the poo!

============================================

What is that buffoon doing now?
Getting into a blazing row!
 

INT21

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What is that buffoon doing now?
Getting into a blazing row!
it's all said in jest,
gets it off his chest.
Don't worry; at least not for now.

An alien was digging a tunnel today
so I stopped for a chat as I went passed on my way
 

Tigerhawk

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An alien was digging a tunnel today
so I stopped for a chat as I went passed on my way
"Hollow Earth, is it?"
"No, you dopey git!
I'm just on my way to Calais!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When searching for the Golden Fleece
You're romantic longings must cease!
 

IamSundog

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When searching for the Golden Fleece
You're romantic longings must cease!
It’s all men on the Argos
Which means coital embargos
Of all but the style from Greece



On hind legs with front paws akimbo
The dire wolf glowers through my window
 

Recycled1

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On hind legs with front paws akimbo
The dire wolf glowers through my window

"Where's Granny?" he growls
(In between fearsome howls)
"I don't want some under age bimbo!"

................................................................................
I point to next door's bungalow
"Look, Wolfie, that's where you should go!"
 

GNC

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I point to next door's bungalow
"Look, Wolfie, that's where you should go!"
It just looked at my finger
And started to linger
"I don't have any Ken-o-Meat, you know!"

***

I now wonder, is it really wise
To keep a pet of such gigantic size?
 

INT21

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I now wonder, is it really wise
To keep a pet of such gigantic size?
A budgie , why not
But vultures, you clot
They'll eat you just like you eat pies.

Some folks may that I'm sentimental.
But I like all my pets to be gentle.
 

Recycled1

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Some folks may that I'm sentimental.
But I like all my pets to be gentle.
All fluffy and cute?
And toothless, to boot?
Obedient and not tempermental?

........................................................................
Let me introduce Reggie the rat
He's clever, and knows where it's at!
 
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