Blitz Limericks

IamSundog

Not insane
Joined
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Fear Not Mere Mortals! All is not lost
Paradise is yours! (For a cost!)
Send your Love Donations
In large denominations
To the Church of Rhetorical Exhaust



The judge tells me I’m going to fry
Unless I’ve got an alibi
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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The judge tells me I’m going to fry
Unless I’ve got an alibi
Perhaps I'll get life
(I was screwing his wife)
As long as he doesn't ask why.

My own life, as most folk can see
Is as placid as placid can be
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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My own life, as most folk can see
Is as placid as placid can be
It may be because
I've gone deaf, so soz
If I have full volume on my TV.

***

My brain transplant has gone very well
But the headache I have hurts like Hell
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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My brain transplant has gone very well
But the headache I have hurts like Hell
But my knuckles are dragging
and no, I'm not bragging
I can swing amongst tall trees as well.

Using one start, eight bits and no parity
I sent of a message to Charity
 

IamSundog

Not insane
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Using one start, eight bits and no parity
I sent of a message to Charity
She sent me an ACK
But never messaged back
With her, full duplex is a rarity



My new decor’s not too appealing
Since space debris crashed through my ceiling
 

feen5

Justified & Ancient
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My new decor’s not too appealing
Since space debris crashed through my ceiling
i'd never have thought
floors smeared in astronaut
would have left me with such an ill-feeling

The first creature in space was a dog
who was partial to consuming grog
 

ChasFink

Ephemeral Spectre
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The first creature in space was a dog
who was partial to consuming grog
Then came an ape
Who was fond of the grape
And humans? 'Twas Tang, per their log.

---

"Do E.T.s exist way out there?"
I ask as I sit in my chair.
 

INT21

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"Do E.T.s exist way out there?"
I ask as I sit in my chair.
If so, why would they come
and fly over Brum
but not Swindon, it just isn't fair.

But I think that I met one in Leeds
Sort of greenish, and wearing pink tweeds
 

IamSundog

Not insane
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Butt I think that I met one in Leeds
Sort of greenish, and wearing pink tweeds
Who said, “We’d like you
To be among our chosen few
When our world take-over succeeds”


If mankind’s to be bound into slavery
Well, a slave-driver’s life sounds real good to me
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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If mankind’s to be bound into slavery
Well, a slave-driver’s life sounds real good to me
I'd be cracking that whip
And taking no lip
If they don't make eggy fingers for tea!

Though I feel my prospects would be poor
As my lineage is not quite top-drawer
 

feen5

Justified & Ancient
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Though I feel my prospects would be poor
As my lineage is not quite top-drawer
Perhaps a job in a mine
would suit me just fine
to disabuse my delusions of grandeur

When mining coal in dusseldorf
You should enlist the help of a dwarf
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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When mining coal in dusseldorf
You should enlist the help of a dwarf
No, more's the pity
For his job in the City
Means he spends all day at Canary Wharf.

***

Oh Gawd, it's the Apocalypse again
Just like the last lot, remember then?
 

INT21

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Oh Gawd, it's the Apocalypse again
Just like the last lot, remember then?
Before you can shout
'We'll all be wiped out'
It will be tennis and week ends in Spain.

That bright flash, was it lightning ? 'fraid not.
And it's all getting terribly hot
 

Tigerhawk

Dazed and confused...
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That bright flash, was it lightning ? 'fraid not.
And it's all getting terribly hot
Godzilla is agnry
And a bit hangry
So, it is the end of you lot!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Monsters attacking Kyoto?
Dyslexic, thought it's Tokyo!
 

feen5

Justified & Ancient
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Monsters attacking Kyoto?
Dyslexic, thought it's Tokyo!
And without apology
or a teary eyed sorry
they moved on to flatten Moscow

When being attacked by Godzilla
Or a rampaging gigantic Gorilla
 

GNC

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When being attacked by Godzilla
Or a rampaging gigantic Gorilla
Be like blonde Debbie Harry
Head straight for Gay Paris
And remember to use a cedilla.

***

If I could have one thing that's massive
I wouldn't sit here all impassive
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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If I could have one thing that's massive
I wouldn't sit here all impassive
My ego I'd walk
And, Man, would I talk
as sparky as a Van De Graff is.

That limerick was so hard to end
It was driving me quite round the bend
 

Tigerhawk

Dazed and confused...
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That limerick was so hard to end
It was driving me quite round the bend
But I finished it!
Because I'm a wit!
Finished this, too, now I'll hit send!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

There is nothing at all funny
When brains are rancid and runny
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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There is nothing at all funny
When brains are rancid and runny
They're tricky to grate
And they slide off your plate
I find them a big waste of money.

Other body parts are of course available
For taste, I'd call some unassailable



heh
 

feen5

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Other body parts are of course available
For taste, I'd call some unassailable
for licking a liver
can make one quite quiver
And the spleen quite robust when inhalable

For real flavour the part i suggest
Is found just below the heart of the chest
 

IamSundog

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For real flavour the part i suggest
Is found just below the heart of the chest
Heaping helpings of offal
Served warm on a waffle
There’s plenty! Dig in! Be my guest!



It’s nothing Fred here’s going to miss
Since he fell off the roof and dehisced
 
Last edited:

ChasFink

Ephemeral Spectre
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t’s nothing Fred here’s going to miss
Since he fell off the roof and dehisced
Try his leg, arm, or brain
He won't complain
Nor send you a cease and desist

***

But when dining on human cadavers
I wouldn't want his, but would have hers
 

INT21

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But when dining on human cadavers
I wouldn't want his, but would have hers
I know that I'm choosy
but I fancy a floosie
one of my 'special re-servers'

I'm going out now, and by heck
I'll soon have my fangs in a neck
 

GNC

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I'm going out now, and by heck
I'll soon have my fangs in a neck
As long as I can
Get a fix better than
Someone eating garlic: a wreck.

***

You'll never now guess what they found
Running towards Area 51 ground
 

INT21

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You'll never now guess what they found
Running towards Area 51 ground
some little grey men
each one just two foot ten
and weighing just twenty six pound

But in a tunnel beneath a big hill
(and the memory worries me still)
 

Tigerhawk

Dazed and confused...
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But in a tunnel beneath a big hill
(and the memory worries me still)
Marvin The Martian
Menacing Tarzan
Into watching the movie The Big Chill

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Of all the B Movies I've seen
Some I would consider obscene!
 

INT21

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Of all the B Movies I've seen
Some I would consider obscene!
Girls who get into messes
And wear skimpy dresses
plus the villains are ugly and green.

I think life could be fun out on Mars.
I'd find all the restaurants and bars.
 

IamSundog

Not insane
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I think life could be fun out on Mars.
I'd find all the restaurants and bars.
The bartender’s a sphinx
With two hands to pour drinks
And a third one to light your cigars


The locals mostly prefer gin
Which they absorb through their skin
 

Tigerhawk

Dazed and confused...
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Location
Skaro
The locals mostly prefer gin
Which they absorb through their skin

A night on the piss
Done through osmosis
And then sleep it off in a bin

====================================

There's something fishy going on
When Oscar The Grouch pulls a con
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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There's something fishy going on
When Oscar The Grouch pulls a con
There's a smile on his face -
Has he found a new place?
And his trash stash appears to be gone.

.....................................................................................
That barber sounds pricey to me
I'm willing to cut hair for free!
 
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