Blitz Limericks

feen5

Justified & Ancient
Joined
Feb 9, 2004
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That barber sounds pricey to me
I'm willing to cut hair for free!
now do as i said
pop that bowl on your head
we'll be finished in no time you'll see

When cutting the hair of the Yeti
Be careful, the armpits are sweaty
 

Tigerhawk

Dazed and confused...
Joined
Jan 20, 2016
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Skaro
When cutting the hair of the Yeti
Be careful, the armpits are sweaty
With strange aroma
Smelling like Cromer
Now, let us all sing Black Betty!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

It is all Fire And Brimstone
When dealing with that Fred Flintstone
 

ChasFink

Ephemeral Spectre
Joined
Jan 22, 2016
Messages
250
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403
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64
It is all Fire And Brimstone
When dealing with that Fred Flintstone
But no paper's around
So a hernia's bound
To result from lifting that hymn stone

------------------------------------------

Now the wife of that poor Barney Rubble
Is constantly giving him trouble
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
Joined
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Now the wife of that poor Barney Rubble
Is constantly giving him trouble
He'd get some perspective
From her cosmic invective
If he knew she saw God through the Hubble.

***

Religion may go through its styles
But if you could see for thousands of miles
 

IamSundog

Not insane
Joined
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Messages
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Religion may go through its styles
But if you could see for thousands of miles
Like that song by Pete Townsend
You could blast guitar sounds and
Make your congregants dance in the aisles



Or perhaps your people find it nice
To practice human sacrifice
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
Joined
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Or perhaps your people find it nice
To practice human sacrifice
Might you take your revenge
On your ex, at Stonehenge?
Think again, that's my sound advice!


.................................................................................
There are many unanswerable queries
And we all have our different theories
 

feen5

Justified & Ancient
Joined
Feb 9, 2004
Messages
1,130
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Points
79
There are many unanswerable queries
And we all have our different theories
but such thinking will end
driving you round the bend
best avoid and not have such wearies

If you really must know how it ends
try to follow mathematical trends
 

IamSundog

Not insane
Joined
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Messages
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If you really must know how it ends
try to follow mathematical trends
You can model how it’ll be
Using probability
And your answer will be: it depends!


Or if heavy math isn’t your thing
You could try consulting the I Ching
 

feen5

Justified & Ancient
Joined
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Messages
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Or if heavy math isn’t your thing
You could try consulting the I Ching
but to get a quick look
at the original book
you must first make a trip to Beijing

If your future is not looking bright
you must consult with a water sprite
 

ChasFink

Ephemeral Spectre
Joined
Jan 22, 2016
Messages
250
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403
Points
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If your future is not looking bright
you must consult with a water sprite
the type that's a fairy -
not the fern - she will very
much fill your life with such delight!
-----

The Delphi oracle's a diviner
Of great talent, no one is finer.
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
Joined
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The Delphi oracle's a diviner
Of great talent, no one is finer.
And predicts herewith
That Matthew Smith
Will never write another Manic Miner.

***

The presence I felt was invisible
The fear that I sensed indivisible
 

IamSundog

Not insane
Joined
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Messages
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The presence I felt was invisible
The fear that I sensed indivisible
That cruel poltergeist
Devoured all my sliced
brisket. Just to make me feel miserable.


That guitar - I don’t think you could tune it worse
If it were in a parallel universe
 

IamSundog

Not insane
Joined
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Messages
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That guitar - I don’t think you could tune it worse
If it were in a parallel universe
But in this dimension
There’s a song I could mention
If you would play I’d like to croon a verse



Pardon me, I don’t mean to intrude
But there’s a dead mouse in your food
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
Joined
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Messages
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Pardon me, I don’t mean to intrude
But there’s a dead mouse in your food

And if I'm not too puckish
My cat's feeling peckish
And that morsel could do him some good.

***

They've invented an android sans paranoia
And they promised he really won't annoy ya
 

ChasFink

Ephemeral Spectre
Joined
Jan 22, 2016
Messages
250
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403
Points
64
They've invented an android sans paranoia
And they promised he really won't annoy ya
He'll not steal your lunch
Or kick, slap, or punch
'Though he looks just like Oscar De La Hoya

***

The glass is half full, I was told
But I find it half empty - how cold!
 

IamSundog

Not insane
Joined
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The glass is half full, I was told
But I find it half empty - how cold!
Even half glass’s a waste
‘Cuz it really does taste
Just like piss - this beer I’ve been sold



If you keep on doing that, young man
You’ll grow hair on the palm of your hands
 

ChasFink

Ephemeral Spectre
Joined
Jan 22, 2016
Messages
250
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403
Points
64
If you keep on doing that, young man
You’ll grow hair on the palm of your hands
But I have a spot
That will help a lot
With your stimulation demands


The act that you recommend me
Is really not my cup of tea
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
Joined
Aug 24, 2001
Messages
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Location
HM The Tower of London
The act that you recommend me
Is really not my cup of tea
I'd prefer to be streaking
When my bladder is leaking
With a bucket for catching the pee!

Oh, bodily functions are great!
They endlessly fascinate!
 

IamSundog

Not insane
Joined
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Messages
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Oh, bodily functions are great!
They endlessly fascinate!
Peeing, salivating,
Pooping, ejaculating,
And that’s only on the first date


Well that was all fun, I guess
Now who’s going to clean up this mess?
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
Joined
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Well that was all fun, I guess
Now who’s going to clean up this mess?
I would like to extol
Using more self control-
Now, off to the priest to confess!


......................................................................

Healthy eating, the gym, and cold showers
Should occupy your leisure hours
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
Joined
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Healthy eating, the gym, and cold showers
Should occupy your leisure hours

And when all that palls
A real kick in the balls
Is worse than arranging some flowers.

***

I greeted a space alien with a wave
For star travelling must make him feel brave
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
Joined
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I greeted a space alien with a wave
For star travelling must make him feel brave
He snarled "Where's your leader?"
"That obnoxious blond bleeder?" *
"It's time he was put in his grave!"

*Reader, take your pick!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Hallowe'en's a rather strange date
To decide our political state
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
Joined
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Messages
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Hallowe'en's a rather strange date
To decide our political state
You might think it's scary
When things all get hairy
But we're best resigned to grim fate.

***

My magic crystal can amaze
When I use it in the next psychic craze
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
Joined
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Location
HM The Tower of London
My magic crystal can amaze
When I use it in the next psychic craze
It will fit where I like
And power my trike
As long as I slip it in lengthways!

Halloween is approaching - be scared
As the Board Members' true natures are bared
 

feen5

Justified & Ancient
Joined
Feb 9, 2004
Messages
1,130
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29
Points
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Halloween is approaching - be scared
As the Board Members' true natures are bared
Cause we are all full of hate
and think Satan is Great
And our intentions shall soon be declared

The basis of our manifesto
Involves smearing ourselves with green pesto
 

ChasFink

Ephemeral Spectre
Joined
Jan 22, 2016
Messages
250
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403
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64
The basis of our manifesto
Involves smearing ourselves with green pesto
While naked, of course
We then lick off the sauce
In groups that practice incest - Oh!

---------

My jack-o-lantern is somethin'
'Cause it's not made from a pumpkin
 

IamSundog

Not insane
Joined
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Messages
3,340
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My jack-o-lantern is somethin'
'Cause it's not made from a pumpkin
I carved it instead
From my mother’s head
It was either that or have it shrunken



Would anyone here object to me
Performing a self-appendectomy?
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
Joined
Aug 25, 2001
Messages
27,936
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12,771
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284
Would anyone here object to me
Performing a self-appendectomy?

Just a step on the way
To brain transplant day
All donations accepted direct to me.

***

You really do appreciate the quiet
The morning right after a riot
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
Joined
Jun 6, 2008
Messages
3,327
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637
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129
***

You really do appreciate the quiet
The morning right after a riot
I need ice for my brow
And strong coffee -right now
But I made my point clear - you should try it!

-----------------------------------------------
If you want to make a protest
A correctly spelled banner is best
 

INT21

Antediluvian
Joined
Jul 18, 2016
Messages
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If you want to make a protest
A correctly spelled banner is best
make it twenty foot wide
so it's easy to hide
from reporters who come from the West.

When preparing your own petrol bombs
don't ask advice from the Poms
 
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