Blitz Limericks

IamSundog

Not insane
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When preparing your own petrol bombs
don't ask advice from the Poms
Try The Anarchist Cookbook
Wait! Dammit! Some crook took
my copy - I’ll have to borrow Mom’s



This chair I’m on made a loud creak
You say it’s a priceless antique?
 

feen5

Justified & Ancient
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This chair I’m on made a loud creak
You say it’s a priceless antique?
but you should have revealed
that it was a chesterfield
before i put on it my over sized cheek

I should not be one to extol
the size and the weight of my hole
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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I should not be one to extol
the size and the weight of my hole.
It's a black one, I see
so it's just gravity
That attracts everything just like coal.

Prof Hawkins said, look, it's too queer.
The info' just can't disappear.
 

Peripart

Antediluvian
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Prof Hawkins said, look, it's too queer.
The info' just can't disappear.
But have you tried talking
To the other prof, Hawking?
He's an expert on things far and near

At a black hole's event horizon
The quantum effects are surprisin'
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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At a black hole's event horizon
The quantum effects are surprisin'
There are folk who says
that it chops of the 'k's
and adds 's' when a bit of mass flies in.

I said to my mirror, 'what joy
to behold such a beautiful boy
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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I said to my mirror, 'what joy
to behold such a beautiful boy
Unfortunately
This looks just like me
An old, broken down Dinky toy.

***

Just be yourselves and go mingle
As you listen to my latest single
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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Just be yourselves and go mingle
As you listen to my latest single
Is it really rude
to dance in the nude ?
The excitement will make you skin tingle.

There are times when I think it's a hoot
To tango in my boiler suite.
 

GNC

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There are times when I think it's a hoot
To tango in my boiler suite.
But why my hot water
Needs furniture, it oughta
Make some sense but does not compute.

***

I'm off to the disco tonight
Throw some shapes and you know, I just might
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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I'm off to the disco tonight
Throw some shapes and you know, I just might
Get off with some bimbo
Whilst doing the limbo
Then go home to the wife for a fight!

..............................................................................
A change is as good as a rest
But tread carefully in your love nest!
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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A change is as good as a rest
But tread carefully in your love nest!
Phone before your arrival
that gives your rival
some time to put on pants and vest.

No matter how hard I may labour
I can't get in bed with my niebour
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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No matter how hard I may labour
I can't get in bed with my niebour
Because I'm too fat
To fit in like that
And he's too busy tossing his caber.

***

I wonder, just how many tunes
Can you produce by playing the spoons?
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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I wonder, just how many tunes
Can you produce by playing the spoons?
Not very many
in fact, hardly any
you just sound like the rest of the loons.

With my 12 string guitar I shine brightly
on our local stage , sometimes nightly
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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With my 12 string guitar I shine brightly
on our local stage , sometimes nightly
Voice of a generation
In my imagination
But in fact I'm cool as Richard Whitely.

***

I know you all simply asssume
That I've picked an outrageous costume
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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I know you all simply asssume
That I've picked an outrageous costume.
But it's fitting, you see
shows up the real me
and makes me stand out in a room.

My songs, they are all in CMinor
I'm believing that no key is finer.
 

IamSundog

Not insane
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My songs, they are all in CMinor
I'm believing that no key is finer.
In three flats I lift
My voice to the high fifth
Till the fruit they throw gives me a shiner


Musical genius like mine
Is not understood in its own time
 

GNC

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Musical genius like mine
Is not understood in its own time

However, it's not
Really what's got
In any other era - try mime.

***

As my fingernails turn into claws
And fangs they do sprout from my jaws
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
Joined
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Location
HM The Tower of London
As my fingernails turn into claws
And fangs they do sprout from my jaws
I discover, by gum,
I can now lick my bum!
In private, I'm breaking no laws.

So it's full moon, and I'm off a-howling
And your pavements and gardens befouling
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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So it's full moon, and I'm off a-howling
And your pavements and gardens befouling
The mess that I make
Is so hard to take
Neighbours roll up newspapers while scowling.

***

It takes just one glance to the sky
If a full moon's there, I'm one hairy guy
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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It takes just one glance to the sky
If a full moon's there, I'm one hairy guy
I'm a were wolf, it's true
but man, look at you
You could be just like me if you try.

One word of warning here, squire.
watch out for that blasted vampire
 

IamSundog

Not insane
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One word of warning here, squire.
watch out for that blasted vampire
He looks sharp in his tux
But the guy really sucks
I’d strangle ‘m, but he don’t respire


Sometimes discretion is tricky
When you’re seeking a place for a quickie
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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Location
HM The Tower of London
Sometimes discretion is tricky
When you’re seeking a place for a quickie
So sneak up an alley
When you want to get pally
Then stroll out all sweaty and sticky!

My bum-cheeks hand down to my knees
And my cats are covered in fleas
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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My bum-cheeks hand down to my knees
And my cats are covered in fleas.
I drink now and then
while I watch CNN
In fact, I live just how I please.

But one day my old daddy said 'Son,
It's now time to give up all this fun'
 

IamSundog

Not insane
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But one day my old daddy said 'Son,
It's now time to give up all this fun
Go out there and hustle
With brain and with muscle
And bring home some money, you bum!’


My shrink’s telling me it’s a fallacy
That I hear the Andromeda Galaxy
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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My shrink’s telling me it’s a fallacy
That I hear the Andromeda Galaxy
is coming to me
from what I can see
I'll go change the insurance policy

Or, perhaps in the dark of the night
I'll be hit by a meteorite
 

feen5

Justified & Ancient
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Or, perhaps in the dark of the night
I'll be hit by a meteorite
but if its an asteroid
ill be very annoyed
i'd see that as some kind of slight

The size of the rock doesn't matter
Your whole body is sure to splatter
 

INT21

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The size of the rock doesn't matter
Your whole body is sure to splatter
The rest of your bed
is a nice shade of red
At least you won't get any fatter.

So maybe best not join the race
to travel to places in space
 

GNC

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So maybe best not join the race
to travel to places in space
You might meet aliens there
That are very rare
But don't tell them that to their face.

***

That's the worst gaslighting I've had
To think they tried to drive me mad
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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That's the worst gaslighting I've had
To think they tried to drive me mad
I think I can see
how they do it to me
I'm sure my jokes aren't all that bad.

But one day I'll give them a wack'n
I may even unleash my kracken






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Joined
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But one day I'll give them a wack'n
I may even unleash my kracken
I’ll tie their hands and feet
Push them into the deep
And on their writhing bods it’ll be snackin’


Here’s what would really make them scream:
A frickin’ shark with a laser beam!
 
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