Blitz Limericks

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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Here’s what would really make them scream:
A frickin’ shark with a laser beam!
That'll put off the fishers
In their pants they'll be pishers
The species won't be imperilled as they seem.

***

We must all do our bit for the planet
I fear for the future, godammit!
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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We must all do our bit for the planet
I fear for the future, godammit!
Though that's rather queer
as I won't be here
I'll have departed with my aunty Janet.

There is no love that can beat ours
we'll frolick amongst far distant stars
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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There is no love that can beat ours
we'll frolick amongst far distant stars
We'll start a new race
way in dark outer space
and have lots of nice cafes and bars

Two chimpanzees met in a pub
One said 'Sidney, now here is the rub
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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Two chimpanzees met in a pub
One said 'Sidney, now here is the rub
It's no longer P.C.
To hold tea parties,see?
Shall we try the new Singles Club?

......................................................................
So Sidney and Fred (best of chums)
Looked for pretty girl chimps with pink bums
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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So Sidney and Fred (best of chums)
Looked for pretty girl chimps with pink bums
But they gave up the chase
as they found in each case
that the girl chips were out with their mums

So, sid, there's just one thing to do
I noticed a gay bar or two
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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So, sid, there's just one thing to do
I noticed a gay bar or two
Covered in chocolate
Open wrappers and eat a lot
They won't ruin your appetite, woo-hoo!

***

I won't be growing any bolder
Now the nights around here grow much colder
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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I won't be growing any bolder
Now the nights around here grow much colder
I'll fill up my belly
while watching the telly
watching re-runs of Scully amd Mulder

Or the occasional walk in the parK
But in daylight, no way after dark
 

IamSundog

Not insane
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Or the occasional walk in the parK
But in daylight, no way after dark
For I worry that I
Will be dragged away by
The terrestrial mutant flying shark


The news has been full of reports
Of INT21 traipsing ‘round in undershorts
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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The news has been full of reports
Of INT21 traipsing ‘round in undershorts
And any protest
'Bout the state of his vest
Receives his usual rebukes and retorts.

***

I predict far more trouble and strife
As Earth is unfit for human life
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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I predict far more trouble and strife
As Earth is unfit for human life
We'll all fly off to Mars
with our battery cars
And don't think I'm taking the wife.

I once met a nice girl from Saturn.
but life soon fell into a pattern
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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I once met a nice girl from Saturn.
but life soon fell into a pattern
She refused the ring
Broke off the whole thing
And accused me of calling her a slattern.

***

Is it possible, now, to avoid
The path of the plummeting asteroid?
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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Location
HM The Tower of London
Is it possible, now, to avoid
The path of the plummeting asteroid?
As the world hopes to find
Something to hide behind -
I'll brandish my best haemorrhoid.

The end of the world, it is nigh!
'Oh, not that old rubbish!' you sigh
 

Peripart

Antediluvian
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The end of the world, it is nigh!
'Oh, not that old rubbish!' you sigh
'We've heard it before
'It's all such a bore'
But I swear that it's true, and here's why...

I've been re-reading old Nostradamus
And he was certainly no ignoramus
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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I've been re-reading old Nostradamus
And he was certainly no ignoramus
The End, yes it's near
but just when isn't clear
I'll go ask my wizard friend Shamus

He said 'ask not for whom the bell tolls
It's time for the collection of souls'.
 

feen5

Justified & Ancient
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He said 'ask not for whom the bell tolls
It's time for the collection of souls'.
but there's no need to fret
death's not here for you yet
He is only here to collect the moles

The mole is a heavenly beast
revered by both rabbi and priest
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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The mole is a heavenly beast
revered by both rabbi and priest
But the Mullahs say 'No
out the door it must go
as a starter we like it the least.

Hey waiter, this salmon looks green
It's the greenest one I've ever seen
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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Location
HM The Tower of London
Hey waiter, this salmon looks green
It's the greenest one I've ever seen
You've shown no restraint
With the 'Light Emerald' paint
And I quite like the matching tureen.


To test my new humidifier
I set Feen5's buttocks on fire
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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To test my new humidifier
I set Feen5's buttocks on fire
As a counterattack
He aimed a hose at your back
But he was not a good shot - now you're drier.

***

The best way to avoid zombies, I find
Is to dance nimbly among the dead kind
 

IamSundog

Not insane
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The best way to avoid zombies, I find
Is to dance nimbly among the dead kind
While I’m twirlin’ and glidin’
They stumble and slide in
The guts upon which they’ve just dined


Excuse me, but do you by chance
Have a cucumber stuffed down your pants?
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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Excuse me, but do you by chance
Have a cucumber stuffed down your pants?
No, it's just a clue
that I'm glad to see you
now Dear, tell me. would you like to dance ?

Or, perhaps in the woods we could stroll
cut out all the twee rigmarole
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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Excuse me, but do you by chance
Have a cucumber stuffed down your pants?
No, it's just a clue
that I'm glad to see you
now Dear, tell me. would you like to dance ?

Or, perhaps in the woods we could stroll
Cut out all the twee rigmarole
"No chance" I would say
And "Put that away!"
A splendid white wedding's my goal!

....................................................................................

I was hoping to find a soul mate
But it seems I have left it too late!
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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I was hoping to find a soul mate
But it seems I have left it too late!
Who needs love, anyway?
It's better to say
You self-partner, like Emma on a date.

***

I've recently received great insight
About moving towards cosmic light
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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I've recently received great insight
About moving towards cosmic light
If you can, it is said
you're already dead
so it's time to give up the fight.

if you're lucky and end up in heaven
you'll find all the bread is unleven.
 

IamSundog

Not insane
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if you're lucky and end up in heaven
you'll find all the bread is unleavened*
But you’ll find risen loaves
Down below among those
Who’ve committed the deadly sins seven

Excuse me, I do beg your pardon
For taking a leak in your garden


*(uncontrollable pedantry)
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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Excuse me, I do beg your pardon
For taking a leak in your garden
But I'm a pedant, you see
and I needed to pee
I never would have reached the bog.

But I'm grateful for your intervention
and I know there was no bad intention
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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But I'm grateful for your intervention
and I know there was no bad intention
The problem is yours
Because you did force
A non-rhyming line - take detention.

***

I'm not sure about that shooting star
Did you hear it land and go "U-laaa!"?
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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Do whatever you feel is right. 'Tis the Code of the Limerickers!
I'll leave it. After all, to attempt perfection is to challenge the Gods.

Arrives at Pearly Gates (no relation to Bill Gates) .

'Ah yes, INT21. Let me refer you to Blitz-limericks, page 81 post 2426'

Ok, ok. where is it ' ?

'Just over there, close the door and press the down button. You'll be happier there anyway.'
 
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