Blitz Limericks

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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Here’s what would really make them scream:
A frickin’ shark with a laser beam!
That'll put off the fishers
In their pants they'll be pishers
The species won't be imperilled as they seem.

***

We must all do our bit for the planet
I fear for the future, godammit!
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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We must all do our bit for the planet
I fear for the future, godammit!
Though that's rather queer
as I won't be here
I'll have departed with my aunty Janet.

There is no love that can beat ours
we'll frolick amongst far distant stars
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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There is no love that can beat ours
we'll frolick amongst far distant stars
We'll start a new race
way in dark outer space
and have lots of nice cafes and bars

Two chimpanzees met in a pub
One said 'Sidney, now here is the rub
 

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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Two chimpanzees met in a pub
One said 'Sidney, now here is the rub
It's no longer P.C.
To hold tea parties,see?
Shall we try the new Singles Club?

......................................................................
So Sidney and Fred (best of chums)
Looked for pretty girl chimps with pink bums
 

INT21

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So Sidney and Fred (best of chums)
Looked for pretty girl chimps with pink bums
But they gave up the chase
as they found in each case
that the girl chips were out with their mums

So, sid, there's just one thing to do
I noticed a gay bar or two
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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So, sid, there's just one thing to do
I noticed a gay bar or two
Covered in chocolate
Open wrappers and eat a lot
They won't ruin your appetite, woo-hoo!

***

I won't be growing any bolder
Now the nights around here grow much colder
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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I won't be growing any bolder
Now the nights around here grow much colder
I'll fill up my belly
while watching the telly
watching re-runs of Scully amd Mulder

Or the occasional walk in the parK
But in daylight, no way after dark
 
Joined
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Or the occasional walk in the parK
But in daylight, no way after dark
For I worry that I
Will be dragged away by
The terrestrial mutant flying shark


The news has been full of reports
Of INT21 traipsing ‘round in undershorts
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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The news has been full of reports
Of INT21 traipsing ‘round in undershorts
And any protest
'Bout the state of his vest
Receives his usual rebukes and retorts.

***

I predict far more trouble and strife
As Earth is unfit for human life
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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I predict far more trouble and strife
As Earth is unfit for human life
We'll all fly off to Mars
with our battery cars
And don't think I'm taking the wife.

I once met a nice girl from Saturn.
but life soon fell into a pattern
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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I once met a nice girl from Saturn.
but life soon fell into a pattern
She refused the ring
Broke off the whole thing
And accused me of calling her a slattern.

***

Is it possible, now, to avoid
The path of the plummeting asteroid?
 
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The end of the world, it is nigh!
'Oh, not that old rubbish!' you sigh
'We've heard it before
'It's all such a bore'
But I swear that it's true, and here's why...

I've been re-reading old Nostradamus
And he was certainly no ignoramus
 
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I've been re-reading old Nostradamus
And he was certainly no ignoramus
The End, yes it's near
but just when isn't clear
I'll go ask my wizard friend Shamus

He said 'ask not for whom the bell tolls
It's time for the collection of souls'.
 

feen5

Justified & Ancient
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He said 'ask not for whom the bell tolls
It's time for the collection of souls'.
but there's no need to fret
death's not here for you yet
He is only here to collect the moles

The mole is a heavenly beast
revered by both rabbi and priest
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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The mole is a heavenly beast
revered by both rabbi and priest
But the Mullahs say 'No
out the door it must go
as a starter we like it the least.

Hey waiter, this salmon looks green
It's the greenest one I've ever seen
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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To test my new humidifier
I set Feen5's buttocks on fire
As a counterattack
He aimed a hose at your back
But he was not a good shot - now you're drier.

***

The best way to avoid zombies, I find
Is to dance nimbly among the dead kind
 
Joined
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The best way to avoid zombies, I find
Is to dance nimbly among the dead kind
While I’m twirlin’ and glidin’
They stumble and slide in
The guts upon which they’ve just dined


Excuse me, but do you by chance
Have a cucumber stuffed down your pants?
 

INT21

Antediluvian
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Excuse me, but do you by chance
Have a cucumber stuffed down your pants?
No, it's just a clue
that I'm glad to see you
now Dear, tell me. would you like to dance ?

Or, perhaps in the woods we could stroll
cut out all the twee rigmarole
 
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