Blitz Limericks

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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I'm not sure about that shooting star
Did you hear it land and go "U-laaa!"?
Here comes the probe!
We should all just disrobe
And hope they don't take things too far!

While 'The War Of The Worlds''s just a story
The Martians found it quite defamatory
 

feen5

Justified & Ancient
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While 'The War Of The Worlds''s just a story
The Martians found it quite defamatory
Their depiction you see
were really quite twee
As their murders were really more gory

The Martians first invaded Wales
But their plot was foiled by some snails
 

IamSundog

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The Martians first invaded Wales
But their plot was foiled by some snails
General Escargot
Led her troops in the charge, oh!
And rode them all out of town on rails


The statues of the ancient Greeks
Amaze me with their smooth marble cheeks
 

INT21

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The statues of the ancient Greeks
Amaze me with their smooth marble cheeks
I hear that their mums
used to polish their bums
and sometimes they'd do it for weeks.

A task in what Greek mums take pride
It goes back to when they were a bride.
 

INT21

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A task in what Greek mums take pride
It goes back to when they were a bride.
By the light of the Sun
they would buff up his bum
and who knows where their fingers would glide.

Say George, tell about your new bidet
is it all the nice folks in France say ?
 

GNC

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Say George, tell about your new bidet
is it all the nice folks in France say ?
Before INT21's erect
Let's change the subject
With something more wholesome to play.

***

Ah, to autumn we now wave goodbye
And the little birdies start to sigh
 

INT21

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Ah, to autumn we now wave goodbye
And the little birdies start to sigh
'Time to take to the wing
as we fly we will sing'
and perhaps give Tunisia a try.

But those left behind just get cold
and regret that they are really too old
 

IamSundog

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But those left behind just get cold
and regret that they are really too old
For warm beaches and thongs
And keg parties and bongs
So they wrap up in shawls, bitch and scold



You’re only as old as you think
So stay limber, keep dancing, and drink!
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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You’re only as old as you think
So stay limber, keep dancing, and drink!
Would you like me to spank you?
Your buttocks will thank you
For making them shiny and pink.

Last night I was playing pingpong
In my best sequinned leopardskin thong
 

INT21

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Last night I was playing pingpong
In my best sequinned leopardskin thong
You ? wearing a thong
that's got to be wrong
But fear not, we'll all play along.

I like to go wrestling in mud
with my ex-wife (life really is good)
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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I like to go wrestling in mud
with my ex-wife (life really is good)
Since we parted I've learned
How it feels to be spurned
When she says 'Hey take that! And THAT, Stud!'

Now let us return, with fanfare,
To the subject of my underwear
 

INT21

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Now let us return, with fanfare,
To the subject of my underwear
Is it true, as they say
It's a snip on Ebay
and you signed it, you really don't care.

But no matter how daring I feel
my Y fronts I'll never reveal
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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But no matter how daring I feel
my Y fronts I'll never reveal
You can guess where they are
And if you reach down quite far
I bet you could give them a feel.

My undies are famous, I'm told
Though they're wrinkly and faded and old
 

IamSundog

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My undies are famous, I'm told
Though they're wrinkly and faded and old
With amazement all squeal
As they’re lowered to reveal
The fabulous treasures they enfold



The poets all swoon with rapture
Artists struggle their beauty to capture
 

GNC

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The poets all swoon with rapture
Artists struggle their beauty to capture

No, wait, you're mistaken
That's a selfie I've taken
The loveliness of a perfect creature.

***

Is my ego way out of control
Now my ambition to Godhead's on a roll?
 

INT21

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Is my ego way out of control
Now my ambition to Godhead's on a roll?
Say 'sir' or 'Your great'
Cause I'm telling you, mate
and perfection is really my goal.

I'm looking for a simple test
of my greatness, and only the best
 

IamSundog

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I'm looking for a simple test
of my greatness, and only the best
Of my limerick postings
Will I be boasting
about, and forgetting the rest



Life in general seems more beaut’ful
On evenings when I’ve had a snoot full
 

feen5

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Life in general seems more beaut’ful
On evenings when I’ve had a snoot full
but heed my warning
that life in the morning
Is sickly and far from fruitful

These hangovers are getting worse
It's as if I am under some curse
 

GNC

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These hangovers are getting worse
It's as if I am under some curse
My poor thumping head
Makes me feel like I'm dead
And my expression? My lips are both pursed.

***

I'll be sending myself in the post
To anyone who needs me most
 

Recycled1

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I'll be sending myself in the post
To anyone who needs me most
How's your DIY?
I'll give you a try!
And I'll cook us a nice veggie roast.

.............................................................................
A few drinks would soon break the ice
(A bottle of gin would be nice)
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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A few drinks would soon break the ice
(A bottle of gin would be nice)
We could go to my room
And mutually groom
And catch and eat each other's lice.

i'm sure you will giggle and smile
When you find that my tail's prehensile
 

GNC

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i'm sure you will giggle and smile
When you find that my tail's prehensile
We can both hang around
Fifteen feet off the ground
And have a swinging Christmas in style.

***

I'm beginning to think about ratin'
That Santa as far worse than Satan
 

IamSundog

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I'm beginning to think about ratin'
That Santa as far worse than Satan
Indulges the rich & greedy
But is stingy with the needy
Which creates more resentment and hatin’


Ol’ Santa embodies the vision
Of rampant consumerism
 

GNC

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Ol’ Santa embodies the vision
Of rampant consumerism

With all that he's got
If he were a Scot
We'd be calling him a bloody wee besom.

***

I've planned an arcane festive rite
To be held right on Christmas night
 

feen5

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I've planned an arcane festive rite
To be held right on Christmas night
to put it simply
i'll trap in the chimney
Santa in a block of Lucite

If Santa finds out I'm done for
His wrath is known from days of yore
 

IamSundog

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If Santa finds out I'm done for
His wrath is known from days of yore
He’ll bash out my brains
With candy canes
And trigger an elf-human war


Santa’ll blow major cities away
Dropping bombs from his flying sleigh
 

feen5

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Santa’ll blow major cities away
Dropping bombs from his flying sleigh
the level of rancour
displayed by this wanker
will be felt from New York to Bombay

While he continues on the warpath
there is no where to hide from his wrath
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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While he continues on the warpath
there is no where to hide from his wrath
He knows you've been naughty
Though you're well over forty
And this time there'll be a bloodbath!

Let's give seasonal tips to the truckers
And the gritters and turkey-pluckers
 

IamSundog

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Let's give seasonal tips to the truckers
And the gritters and turkey-pluckers:
“Perform a good deed
For someone that’s in need
And stop being such self-centered m****rf***ers”



Why’d Escargot give Santa a slap
As she sat primly upon his lap?
 
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