Blitz Limericks

Recycled1

Justified & Ancient
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````


Why’d Escargot give Santa a slap
As she sat primly upon his lap?

She felt something arise
Between her slim thighs-
A banana? Don't give me that crap!

.......................................................................

That 'Lucky Dip' is just taking the micky
Put your hand in -you'll feel somethig sticky!
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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That 'Lucky Dip' is just taking the micky
Put your hand in - you'll feel somethig sticky!
Sundog saw his chance
For a little romance
And bent down to give it a quickie!

Sundog and his merry band of hackers
Have also defiled all the crackers
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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Sundog and his merry band of hackers
Have also defiled all the crackers
Instead of the quips
Included are tips
On getting the best from maracas.

***

Tonight I went carolling for a bit
But the locals were having none of it
 

Recycled1

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Tonight I went carolling for a bit
But the locals were having none of it
They voiced their disapproval
And demanded my removal
In fact, they said I was shit!

========================
So where did that last decade go?
What next? Just' go with the flow'!
 

GNC

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So where did that last decade go?
What next? Just' go with the flow'!
Backwards going I'm
To run against time
I'll get things right this try, I just know.

***

Foolishly, it did just transpire
I've only invited in a vampire
 

IamSundog

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Foolishly, it did just transpire
I've only invited in a vampire
If he doesn’t soon depart
I‘ll cut out his heart
And incinerate it in a camp fire



in the desert, Recycled saw fit
On a large clump of cactus to sit
 

feen5

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in the desert, Recycled saw fit
On a large clump of cactus to sit
you should hear his whines
upon removing the spines
and the pain makes it harder to shit

You should hear the high pitch of his yowls
As he crouches to release his bowels
 

feen5

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Oops My Bad, I didn't even check I was in such a hurry to use shit in a limerick :)

in the desert, Recycled saw fit
On a large clump of cactus to sit
you should hear her whines
upon removing the spines
and the pain makes it harder to shit

You should hear the high pitch of her yowls
As she crouches to release her bowels
 

GNC

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You should hear the high pitch of her yowls
As she crouches to release her bowels
But if that makes you sick
To others it's music
And they pass her some soft cotton towels.

***

I've decided to stop cutting my nails
To grow some long claws, that entails
 

Recycled1

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I've decided to stop cutting my nails
To grow some long claws, that entails
Putting Marigolds on
Til the jobs are all done
(GNC's one of thse modern males!)

....................................................................
Just be careful when scratching your bum
Those claws could be lethal -and some!
 

GNC

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Just be careful when scratching your bum
Those claws could be lethal -and some!
Ah, but that point is moot
I'll just use my foot
For any itches all over - I'm not dumb!

***

I'm not one to gripe and moan
But I'm being tracked by a government drone
 

IamSundog

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I'm not one to gripe and moan
But I'm being tracked by a government drone
I thought once they’d zoomed in
and took pics while I mooned ‘em
They’d probably leave me alone



instead the thing fired a dart gun
And caught me right square in the bum
 

INT21

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instead the thing fired a dart gun
And caught me right square in the bum
I awoke on the floor
and my bum feels all sore
That's sure not my idea of fun.

Fear not, revenge will be mine
Though it may take a rather long time.
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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Fear not, revenge will be mine
Though it may take a rather long time.
So I hope you can wait
As I still can't walk straight
While my bum-cheeks refuse to align.

It might take me up to a week
To perfect my new walking technique
 

INT21

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It might take me up to a week
To perfect my new walking technique
try this tip of mine
spray with neat iodine
(but try not to give out a shriek)

But, it's really just what you deserve
And I think that you have such a nerve
 

feen5

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But, it's really just what you deserve
And I think that you have such a nerve
to wander in here
with such a shapely rear
And strut around in those pants with such verve

The reason for Scargys duck like waddle
Comes from her life as an underpants model
 

Recycled1

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The reason for Scargys duck like waddle
Comes from her life as an underpants model
Nah -it comes from the saddle
She has to straddle.
With all that cycling she finds such a doddle.

..............................................................................................

If you want to look svelte, then give thanks
For those clever inventions called spanx
 

GNC

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If you want to look svelte, then give thanks
For those clever inventions called spanx
At the mirror I sigh
I'll give them a try
It will be either that or the tranqs.

***

I really don't know what it presages
But my crystal skull gives me messages
 

IamSundog

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I really don't know what it presages
But my crystal skull gives me messages
And anxiety lingers
Cuz he’s saying my fingers
Remind him of Vienna Sausages



With howls and verbiage obstreperous
The slavering Ogre did threaten us
 

Recycled1

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With howls and verbiage obstreperous
The slavering Ogre did threaten us.
He proceded to munch
GNC for his lunch
His manners were not at all decorous!


..............................................................................
Sleeping Beauty said "Where's my prince got to?
He's out drinking when I told him not to!"
 

GNC

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Sleeping Beauty said "Where's my prince got to?
He's out drinking when I told him not to!"

"All his carousing
"Ain't the least bit arousing
"He needs a kick up the bot, too!"

***

When my secret organisation was started
All sense of sharing info departed
 

Recycled1

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When my secret organisation was started
All sense of sharing info departed.
We who are enlightened
Think you plebs would be frightened
To learn of new realms still uncharted.'

#############################
I keep getting told stuff in dreams:-
The universe is not what it seems.
 

IamSundog

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I keep getting told stuff in dreams:-
The universe is not what it seems.
It’s all just a vision
Of a madman imprisoned
As he flails at his shackles and screams


The evil old gods are insane
We are pawns in their sadistic game
 

GNC

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The evil old gods are insane
We are pawns in their sadistic game
But here's the worry:
The God's pawns in a hurry
To act just like them, much the same.

***

Is there anything to truly inspire us
Like the threat of an uncontrolled virus?
 

IamSundog

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Is there anything to truly inspire us
Like the threat of an uncontrolled virus?
Can a tech revolution
Forestall evolution
If Nature decides to retire us?


Perhaps, without the human race
The Earth would be a better place
 

GNC

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Perhaps, without the human race
The Earth would be a better place
No need for a riot
When it's so quiet
No others to get in your face.

***

But a world without limericks? Unthinkable!
All those rhymes abandoned and unlinkable!
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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But a world without limericks? Unthinkable!
All those rhymes abandoned and unlinkable!
We'd miss that crescendo
Of lewd innuendo
That makes our great epics so winkable!


So I've tried to write rhymes that aren't smutty
Though the effort is driving me nutty
 

INT21

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So I've tried to write rhymes that aren't smutty
Though the effort is driving me nutty.
Don't be hard on your nerves
stick to rhyme's about perves
lots of buttocks, bosoms and footi

So let's hear it again for the porn
a subject that never gets worn
 

Recycled1

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So let's hear it again for the porn
a subject that never gets worn.
My favourite site
Is for pussies -quite right!
But four legged, and looking forlorn.

.........................................................................................

I'm usually grateful and humble
But for once I'm having a grumble
 
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