Blitz Limericks

GNC

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Things measure up down there, so you say
During the debauched month of May
Curiosity sated
When it's inflated
And you go up, up and away.

***

I thought I saw my house from here
As I float in the high stratosphere
 

IamSundog

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Things measure up down there, so you say
During the debauched month of May
In fact it’s gigantic
And drives everyone frantic
But Dino just thinks it’s “OK”

You always hear “Size doesn’t matter”
But that’s just self-affirmation chatter
 

IamSundog

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I beg your pardon - after you.

I thought I saw my house from here
As I float in the high stratosphere
But a bird’s pointy beak’s
Made my gas balloon leak
Now I’m plummeting, screaming in fear

The wind drowns my terrified cries
My life flashes before my eyes
 
Last edited:

GNC

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I beg your pardon - after you.
Why thank you, kind sir.

You always hear “Size doesn’t matter”
But that’s just self-affirmation chatter
Between thee and me
It's so hard to see
Now that I've gotten much fatter.

***

The wind drowns my terrified cries
My life flashes before my eyes
Now I won't miss mass
Of ground, and next Christmas
Is cancelled for me - no mince pies.

***

With this handy new tool I have found
I can bury deep into the ground
 

Recycled1

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With this handy new tool I have found
I can bury deep into the ground
Take care! Something rotten
"Gone, not forgotten"!
May be waiting where maggots abound.

.....................................................................................
Thoughts of treasure are still in your head?
Try a metal detector instead.
 

Dinobot

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Broadcasting from the moon...
Thoughts of treasure are still in your head?
Try a metal detector instead.
Look for hidden gems
Ignore the "ahems"!
Have an early night, go to bed!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Our operators are standing by
So give something risqué a try!
 

GNC

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Our operators are standing by
So give something risqué a try!
Oh, that's a no-no
Have a mug of cocoa
And drift off on the couch where you lie.

***

If I had to make a decision
The quiet life every time is my mission
 

IamSundog

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If I had to make a decision
The quiet life every time is my mission
Simple meals that we cook
Evenings spent with a book
And nought but missionary position


At our age we do orgies but rarely
Three or four times per month, but just barely
 

Recycled1

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At our age we do orgies but rarely
Three or four times per month, but just barely.
Hmmm, most blokes tell lies
Re numbers and size
I reject their claims fairly and squarely!

..........................................................................................
Life past seventy can seem very tame
Any thoughts on upping the game?
 

GNC

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Life past seventy can seem very tame
Any thoughts on upping the game?
Just touch any surface
Without gloves with the purpose
Of catching the virus for fame.

***

On second thoughts, please stay healthy
Give up vices and through life be stealthy
 

IamSundog

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On second thoughts, please stay healthy
Give up vices and through life be stealthy
Be humble and kind
Be cheerful of mind
Do worthwhile work, and eat the wealthy


At life you get only one shot
So, to quote Mary Poppins, spit spot!
 

GNC

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At life you get only one shot
So, to quote Mary Poppins, spit spot!
If you've spent your existence
On a lack of persistence
You'll have wasted your time, that's your lot.

***

On my car there's a big battering ram
It's not just there because I like to "wham"
 

Recycled1

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On my car there's a big battering ram
It's not just there because I like to "wham"
Lady drivers for pleasure.
It's a distancing measure.
Obedient to Boris, I am!

...........................................................................................
That pasta was meant to serve two
But you've guzzled the lot, haven't you?
 

escargot

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That pasta was meant to serve two
But you've guzzled the lot, haven't you?
What part most enthrals -
The sweet moist meatballs?
@Dinobot would like a word with you!

As I sit here, in splendour, alone,
On my gold-plated porcelain throne
 

IamSundog

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As I sit here, in splendour, alone,
On my gold-plated porcelain throne
There hangs excess meat
O’er the edge of the seat
Because of how my ass has grown


The cause of this backside prodigious
Is the fact that I can’t bypass fridges
 

feen5

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The cause of this backside prodigious
Is the fact that I can’t bypass fridges
I consider it rude
not to ignore the food
that make all of my folds look like ridges

To conquer my excessive gluttony
I have to ignore all things buttery
 

escargot

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To conquer my excessive gluttony
I have to ignore all things buttery
And the sugar and fat
And the carbs and all that
Till my waistline goes down a foot or three!

Feen flexes his muscles and cries
'Join in with my new exercise!'*

*adjust punctuation if necessary
 

feen5

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Feen flexes his muscles and cries
'Join in with my new exercise!'*
It won't have an effect
if your standing erect
You should lie down first if your wise

Do you like the nice sheen of my Shell
asks Escargot from beneath a Bluebell
 

Recycled1

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"Do you like the nice sheen of my Shell?"
asks Escargot from beneath a Bluebell
"The elves apply polish
While these plants I demolish -
The arrangement works very well".

----------------------------------------------
If you're granted three wishes, beware!
Fairies can be quite spiteful -take care.
 

GNC

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If you're granted three wishes, beware!
Fairies can be quite spiteful -take care.
I asked for health
And infinite wealth
In return they took all my hair.

***

There's a big bear coming over the mountain
And another big one, but hey, who's countin'?
 

IamSundog

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There's a big bear coming over the mountain
And another big one, but hey, who's countin'?
With tent flap zipped tight
I’ll pray that they might
Not be able to insert their snout in


Apropos for the summertime heat
We’re all takin’ it to the street
 

Recycled1

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Apropos for the summertime heat
We’re all takin’ it to the street
 

Recycled1

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Apropos for the summertime heat
We’re all takin’ it to the street
Well, let's hope we see
Folk 'taking a knee'.
It's prejudice we've got to beat.

.....................................................................
Let's lighten the mood with a song!
Oh! You're saying I've got the words wrong?
 

Tigerhawk

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Let's lighten the mood with a song!
Oh! You're saying I've got the words wrong?
Like the Hindenberg
Hitting an iceberg
While folks cried "Look out! It's King Kong!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

That took an unexpected twist
By going completely off piste
 

GNC

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That took an unexpected twist
By going completely off piste
From your factoids we're fleeing
By taking up skiing
Wait a minute, is there something I've missed?

***

Would it really cause oh so much strife
If frozen mammoth were brought back to life?
 

IamSundog

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Would it really cause oh so much strife
If frozen mammoth were brought back to life?
Such a cute fluffy pet
That I’d like to get
As a Valentine’s gift for my wife


In the night as the wind howls and moans
The beast glowers on a pile of old bones
 

escargot

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In the night as the wind howls and moans
The beast glowers on a pile of old bones
Picking out ribs and knuckles
She arranges them, chuckles
And plays those macabre xylophones!

When I lent Iamsundog my bike
He asked why the seat was a spike
 

Recycled1

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When I lent Iamsundog my bike
He asked why the seat was a spike
I made feeble excuses-
(Well, the spike has its uses ;))
I said "Wear padded drawers, if you like!"

........................................................................................
A spike like that might come in handy
To puncture this large can of shandy
 

GNC

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A spike like that might come in handy
To puncture this large can of shandy
If I have enough
Of low alcohol stuff
I'll eventually start singing "Oh Mandy!"

***

When I tried out arcane and weird chants
I woke up in the garden in just pants
 

IamSundog

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When I tried out arcane and weird chants
I woke up in the garden in just pants
Well at least you had those
I woke up with no clothes
When I performed the Sacred Snail dance


The ways of the mollusk are mysterious
Be careful or you’ll wind up delirious
 
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