Blitz Limericks

Recycled1

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The ways of the mollusk are mysterious
Be careful or you’ll wind up delirious.
"Coffee at Costa's?"
"No, I'd rather munch hostas!"
And the problem of slime becomes serious!

...........................................................................................

Ooh I say, those shorts are quite daring
Don't bend down, or they might need repairing!
 

escargot

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Ooh I say, those shorts are quite daring
Don't bend down, or they might need repairing!
As you have 'stomach flu'
You might follow through
I'll get one in the eye if I'm staring!

It's too hot to sit in sit and write rhyme
So I'm off to make use of my time
 

IamSundog

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It's too hot to sit in sit and write rhyme
So I'm off to make use of my time
I’ll find out how much sex is
To be had in Texas
While I’m still fit and in my prime


Our exuberance will not be denied
Let’s gun our motorcycles and ride
 

Recycled1

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Our exuberance will not be denied
Let’s gun our motorcycles and ride.
Being an OAP
It's the bus, for me!
Shall we meet, and eat outside?

.......................................................................................
We'll go to the park, if it's fine.
I'll bring cake and a bottle of wine.
 

IamSundog

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We'll go to the park, if it's fine.
I'll bring cake and a bottle of wine.
But remember we can’t get
Too close on our blanket
You on your side, me on mine


Romance in the era of COVID
Leaves much to be desired, it is noted
 
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escargot

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Romance in the era of COVID
Leaves much to be desired, it is noted
Although we're desirous
We don't want the virus
So we're both head-to-toe rubber-coated!

In our masks we all look the same
So I've made up a new grown-up game
 

Recycled1

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In our masks we all look the same
So I've made up a new grown-up game
Whilst one metre apart
Make each player fart!
By the sound and the smell -guess the name!

................................................................................
This is not for polite company
e.g. if the Queen comes to tea!
 

GNC

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This is not for polite company
e.g. if the Queen comes to tea!
She much prefers burping
After hefty soup slurping
And wolfing down kebabs with glee.

***

I feel like I'm walking on air
Since I tied balloons to my deckchair
 

IamSundog

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I feel like I'm walking on air
Since I tied balloons to my deckchair
Floating to such great height
Hampering aircraft in flight
Without damaging the ozone layer.


I’ve captured completely on video
Your dalliance out on the patio
 

Recycled1

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I’ve captured completely on video
Your dalliance out on the patio
You wretch! You've been spying
What's more, you are lying -
That was my twin ,I will have you know!

.....................................................................................

My behaviour is always exemplary
No lapses -not even temporarily
 

feen5

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My behaviour is always exemplary
No lapses -not even temporarily
Is it a disgrace
that I remained chaste
And never done a rude thing with some celery

Is the leek the rudest of vegetables
Or is the cucumber far less respectable
 

escargot

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Is the leek the rudest of vegetables
Or is the cucumber far less respectable
If you lube them up right
You can jam them in tight
And they'll stay there all day, undetectable.*

*so @feen5 tells me.

So, if anyone fancies a snack
Can you wait until Feen wanders back?
 

Recycled1

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So, if anyone fancies a snack
Can you wait until Feen wanders back?
You'll spot him a mile off -
He can't wipe that smile off!
Funny walk -something stuck up his crack? *

* I apologise profusely for writing something so rude! The rhyme just jumped out at me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


It's sonnets I like to write best
About flowers and birds, and the rest!
 

escargot

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t's sonnets I like to write best
About flowers and birds, and the rest!
And wondrous phenomena
Like Feen's raw-veg enema -
A subject too seldom addressed.

I can't wait to leave the lockdown
And go back to my job as a clown
 

Tigerhawk

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I can't wait to leave the lockdown
And go back to my job as a clown
And freaking folk out
With my trout pout
Running about all over town.


=========================================

When I ordered a nice hot dish
I was horrified to find this
 

escargot

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When I ordered a nice hot dish
I was horrified to find this
Genie, so camp
Who said 'Please rub my lamp
And I'll see about granting your wish!'

So I talked at great length to the genie
Saying 'The darn thing is just teeny weeny!'
 

IamSundog

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So I talked at great length to the genie
Saying 'The darn thing is just teeny weeny!'
“If I rub it with vigor
Do you think it’ll grow bigger?
I do so want that Lamborghini!”


I’d be willing to make any deal
For a new high-end automobile
 

Recycled1

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I’d be willing to make any deal
For a new high-end automobile
Is a pact with Satan
In the makin'?
That's going too far, I feel!

........................................................
You could try making one from a kit
It's a chance to customize it
 

GNC

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You could try making one from a kit
It's a chance to customize it
I really do feel
Like a new Batmobile
But it drives round in circles - road unfit.

***

In this island pit, I'll be bold
I've found a huge hoard of gold
 

Recycled1

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In this island pit, I'll be bold
I've found a huge hoard of gold.
D'you need help with the digging?
I'm here at your bidding!
We're the best of friends, when all's told!

...............................................................................
I'd expect a small 'thankyou' token
And a pact of silence, unspoken....
 

IamSundog

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I'd expect a small 'thankyou' token
And a pact of silence, unspoken....
For a share of your find
I would not really mind
Having to do a little ego strokin’


Being married is a pain in the ass
So I’ve turned on the oven gas
 

escargot

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Being married is a pain in the ass
So I’ve turned on the oven gas
I don't want to die
It's to bake a huge pie
Filled with pâte de IamSundog gras!

I am balanced on two flowerpots
About to start one hundred squats
 

Recycled1

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I am balanced on two flowerpots
About to start one hundred squats
Such action's too intensive -
Those pots were quite expensive -
And you'll squash the forget-me-nots!

--------------------------------------------
Try skipping with the washing line -
Can you guess what I do with mine?
 

Recycled1

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I am balanced on two flowerpots
About to start one hundred squats
Such action's too intensive -
Those pots were quite expensive -
And you'll squash the forget-me-nots!

--------------------------------------------
Try skipping with the washing line -
Can you guess what I do with mine?
I use it to lasso
Any postman who's new
I drag them in for a chat -it works fine!*

*Finished this one myself -didn't want to kill the thread!

...................................................................................

I've got a question to ask
What d'you think of my home- made mask?
 

IamSundog

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I've got a question to ask
What d'you think of my home- made mask?
Made from Dinobot’s frillies
Stretched threadbare by his willy
In widespread adulation I bask


Escargot should really know better
Than to go ‘round in such a tight sweater
 

Sillyhuron

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Escargot should really know better
Than to go ‘round in such a tight sweater.
He's making me hot
With his big flowerpots
And me just a poor dumb bed wetter.

I'm feeling a bit down you see
I'm a troll, but not a fairy
 
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Recycled1

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I'm feeling a bit down you see
I'm a troll, but not a fairy
You're new, we'll be kind
Look hard and you'll find
Escargot's a lady, like me!

..........................................................

No, I don't want to try a new statin
More pills and you might hear me rattlin'!
 

GNC

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No, I don't want to try a new statin
More pills and you might hear me rattlin'!
Please do not mock
But when I see the doc
I'm just there for the tittle-tattlin'.

***

I've decided to give up the pills
And find nature's remedy for ills
 

IamSundog

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I've decided to give up the pills
And find nature's remedy for ills
I’ll go seeking some of these
Old timey folk remedies
That country folk brew in their stills


I stock my moat with barracudas
To eliminate errant intruders
 

Recycled1

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I stock my moat with barracudas
To eliminate errant intruders
If they try to swim
On some drunken whim
They'll need to wear more then 'bermudas'.

...............................................................................................

A guard dog's a good idea
Fanged, and snarling, for maximum fear
 
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