Blitz Limericks

Sillyhuron

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"A guard dog's a good idea
Fanged, and snarling, for maximum fear?"
I'd prefer a hyena
When I cry "be seein' ya!"
to all the kind ladies in here.

They say logic is quite over-rated
And emotions are tired and outdated
 

Recycled1

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They say logic is quite over-rated
And emotions are tired and outdated
So what is there left?
You leave us bereft!
Just instinct, and answers long-waited?

...........................................................................
You can't always trust premonitions
That arise due to certain conditions
 

feen5

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You can't always trust premonitions
That arise due to certain conditions
some digested cheese
or a soft blowing breeze
can alter the psychic transmissions

My visions have taken a turn
Since the onset of crippling heartburn
 

IamSundog

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My visions have taken a turn
Since the onset of crippling heartburn
Tap-dancing burritos
Chili-dogs with tostidos
Oh god! When will I ever learn?


The world is circling the drain
And the leaders in charge are insane
 

GNC

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The world is circling the drain
And the leaders in charge are insane
Some folks at the top
Are in for a drop
Should they get close to the window pane.

***

Instead of just blowing a fuse
I have something better than news
 

Recycled1

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Instead of just blowing a fuse
I have something better than news.
I ignore the front page
With its latest outrage
I just study the crossword clues.

.................................................................
I've found ways to keep my mind active
I picture folks I find attractive
 

feen5

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I've found ways to keep my mind active
I picture folks I find attractive
But not in the nude
because that's a bit rude
And I find wobbly bits quite distractive

An evening at the local ballet
Is revealing in more than one way
 

Recycled1

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An evening at the local ballet
Is revealing in more than one way
That male lead caught my eyes-
I'm impressed by the size
Of his 'jetes' and 'pas de bourree|'.

...............................................................................

My own dancing days are now over
I used to be quite the Pavlova :)
 

GNC

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My own dancing days are now over
I used to be quite the Pavlova :)
Nowadays I do find,
Trying to be kind
Brisk movement is too much palaver.

***

Good grief, there's a bear on the loose!
Please don't try to run, it's no use!
 

Recycled1

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Good grief, there's a bear on the loose!
Please don't try to run, it's no use!
I've got a hunch
If you throw it your lunch
It'll give us the chance to vamoose.

..................................................................

That poltergeist keeps me awake
It makes my bed rattle and shake
 

IamSundog

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That poltergeist keeps me awake
It makes my bed rattle and shake
It teases and thrills me
Completely fulfills me
And afterwards, it reads me Blake


How monotonous, this life of leisure
As I lie around rolling in treasure
 

GNC

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How monotonous, this life of leisure
As I lie around rolling in treasure
But as a sovereign goes
Straight up my nose
It just doesn't give me much pleasure.

***

I've had the most brilliant of notions
To sail upon each of the oceans
 

Recycled1

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I've had the most brilliant of notions
To sail upon each of the oceans
On that home-made raft?
You must be daft!
You'll need life belts and sun tan lotions!

============================

What if you meet the Kraken?
He'll eat you if I'm not mistaken! (Feel free to pronounce whichever way you like)
 

Dinobot

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Location
Broadcasting from the moon...
What if you meet the Kraken?
He'll eat you if I'm not mistaken!
With BBQ sauce
Enough to drown a horse
It will leave you stirred and shaken!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hey, look! What is that over there?!
A man-beast with all over hair!
 

IamSundog

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Hey, look! What is that over there?!
A man-beast with all over hair!
GNC’s mullet
Has outgrown his skull, it
Small mammals and birds doth ensnare


I never dreamed your affections
Would lead in such dire directions
 

GNC

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I never dreamed your affections
Would lead in such dire directions
As Meat Loaf once said
Of anything he was fed
For love there were better selections.

***

I tried making some unique footwear
Out of hedgehogs, and I do declare
 

Recycled1

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I tried making some unique footwear
Out of hedgehogs, and I do declare
I tolerated the tickles
I got from the prickles
'Twas the dead slugs I just couldn't bear!

------------------------------------------
Good grief! You've got big hairy toes!
Could the doctor do something for those?
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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'Good grief! You've got big hairy toes!
Could the doctor do something for those?'
'Do you fancy some fun?
Come home with me, Hun
And try out my ten pink dildoes!'

Come, try out my new waterslide
I promise you'll be satisfied
 

feen5

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Come, try out my new waterslide
I promise you'll be satisfied
for these watersports
you won't need your shorts
hop on in the nude and just glide

Be sure not to slide in the dry
friction burns will make a grown man cry
 

escargot

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Be sure not to slide in the dry
friction burns will make a grown man cry
Rub on some lube
Here, take the whole tube
I nicked it from @feen5 's supply!

@feen5 drew a key from his vest
And unlocked that creaky old chest
 

IamSundog

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@feen5 drew a key from his vest
And unlocked that creaky old chest
He said, “Inside this goes
My sex toys and gizmos...
This Fleshlight’s the one I like best!”


it’s not my place to judge your proclivity
To engage in perverted activity
 
Last edited:

Recycled1

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it’s not my place to judge your proclivity
To engage in perverted activity
Would you make me pay
To film you one day?
Done with tasteful sensitivity......

..................................................................................
My documentaries are factual
But I like them to look natural
 

GNC

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My documentaries are factual
But I like them to look natural
It's just not enough
To be filmed in the buff
But you sign away rights in contractual.

***

Sail the high seas near and far
And you'll hear most pirates shout out "Arr!"
 

IamSundog

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Sail the high seas near and far
And you'll hear most pirates shout out "Ari!”
“Eee ! Ess! Pee! Eee! See! Tee!
Aretha completely
Epitomizes ‘Superstar’!”


Frankly, it appears that our leaders
Are sitting ‘round playing with their peters
 

GNC

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Frankly, it appears that our leaders
Are sitting ‘round playing with their peters
It really does a-Paul
No Mary Christmas at all
Or is it New Christy Minstrels, my readers?

***

You'll never guess how I've trained my dog
To do do exercise for me, like jog
 

Recycled1

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You'll never guess how I've trained my dog
To do do exercise for me, like jog.
I find all it takes
Is to feed him best steaks
And a lick of his favourite egg nog.

----------------------------------
Ooh -a ouija board -fancy a dabble?
Or should we be sticking to Scrabble?
 

IamSundog

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Ooh -a ouija board -fancy a dabble?
Or should we be sticking to Scrabble?
It’s not that I fear, it’s
The fact that most spirits
Are such an undignified rabble


Though I’m worried I may suffocate
In this face mask, it makes me look great
 

Recycled1

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Though I’m worried I may suffocate
In this face mask, it makes me look great
Nose pouring snot?
Toothless -so what?!
All hidden from sight -so cheers, Mate!

..............................................................................
This "New Normal"'s quite hard to bear.
Things I used to enjoy are not there.
 

GNC

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This "New Normal"'s quite hard to bear.
Things I used to enjoy are not there.
I don't want a riot
But it's all gone too quiet
No one to chat with, it's not fair.

***

Look what's just entered the room
It's the Mummy, all fresh from the tomb
 

IamSundog

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Look what's just entered the room
It's the Mummy, all fresh from the tomb
As he shuffles and coughs
Little bits keep falling off
So I follow Ihim ‘round with a broom



Behind him, holding a candelabra
Comes his old friend the Chuoacabra
 
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