Blitz Limericks

[Recycled1]

Behind him, holding a candelabra
Comes his old friend the Chuoacabra
Then the Stick Man makes three-
I think you'll agree
The situation looks somewhat macabre!

............................................
You ask if I've been casting spells?
And what are those sulphurous smells?

 

[GNC]

You ask if I've been casting spells?
And what are those sulphurous smells?
When you opened the book
You clearly mistook
Delia Smith for invoking Hells.

***

As I grab hold of my staff I do see
The meaning of all that's sorcery

 

[IamSundog]

As I grab hold of my staff I do see
The meaning of all that's sorcery
It don’t mean a thing
If it ain’t got that swing
So: a one and a two and a three....

They say Johann Sebastian Bach
Had the smelliest feet on the block

 

[Recycled1]

They say Johann Sebastian Bach
Had the smelliest feet on the block
His tunes were sublime
But if he beat time
With his feet, people fainted with shock.

.....................................................................
You should keep yourself smelling sweet
Or your friends may beat a retreat!

 

[IamSundog]

You should keep yourself smelling sweet
Or your friends may beat a retreat!
If your spouse holds the lease
And you stink like a beast
You’ll soon find yourself on the street


J.S. Bach shouted, “Yo! Check this, dude!
How I totally shred my new fugue!”

 

[GNC]

J.S. Bach shouted, “Yo! Check this, dude!
How I totally shred my new fugue!”
And he had no qualms
Of yelling at Brahms
And Beethoven - he could be quite rude.

***

There appear to be no ifs or maybes
'Cause we all are headed to Hades

 

[feen5]

There appear to be no ifs or maybes
'Cause we all are headed to Hades
We have ruined our earth
there will be no rebirth
or a rescue coming from the Pleiades

We only have ourselves to blame
As lifeforms we are really quite lame

 

[IamSundog]

We only have ourselves to blame
As lifeforms we are really quite lame
We slash and burn trees
Dump s*** in the seas
And watch the world go up in flame


Bouncing on their bulbous balloons
Comes a bevy of babbling baboons

 

[Recycled1]

Bouncing on their bulbous balloons
Comes a bevy of babbling baboons
Are they game for a fight?
I think they just might
Rule better than this government's baffoons!

.......................................................................................
We could still have an alien invasion
Though they might need a little persuasion!

 

[GNC]

We could still have an alien invasion
Though they might need a little persuasion!
They'll turn up late
With their drunken mate
And ask of us "What's the occasion?"

***

This new language that I have devised
Ensures I'll be forever despised

 

[Recycled1]

This new language that I have devised
Ensures I'll be forever despised
It includes a dry cough
Which puts most people off,
Also sniffing and crossing your eyes!

........................................................................
In order to write these specifics
I'm working on new hyroglyphics

 

[IamSundog]

In order to write these specifics
I'm working on new hieroglyphics
To notate the burping
And snorting and slurping
And other nasal-laryngeal horrifics


With this wonderful palette of sounds
Our poetry would know no bounds

 

[GNC]

With this wonderful palette of sounds
Our poetry would know no bounds
And as you get louder
You will draw a crowd or
Be fined countless millions of pounds.

***

I've created life in these test tubes
But where to put all my ingenious noobs?

 

[Recycled1]

I've created life in these test tubes
But where to put all my ingenious noobs?
Send them off to 'The Sun'
They'll inform everyone
And print photos of those with big boobs!

........................................................................................
That Chemistry Set could be your ruin!
Do be careful with what you are doing!

 

[IamSundog]

That Chemistry Set could be your ruin!
Do be careful with what you are doing!
You might very well
Open a portal to hell
And inadvertently let you-know-who in


If you do, best be wearing a crucifix
And know all of the exorcist’s useful tricks

 

[Recycled1]

If you do, best be wearing a crucifix
And know all of the exorcist’s useful tricks
If a demon's persistant
And garlic resistant
You'll have problems that prove hard to fix.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////

It's time that you found a new interest
Sit down and consider what you do best.

 

[IamSundog]

It's time that you found a new interest
Sit down and consider what you do best.
And it would be instructive
If t’were something constructive
Not just dancing ‘round lewdly, undressed


The only real talent I’ve got
Is to watch TV until I rot

 

[Recycled1]

[


The only real talent I’ve got
Is to watch TV until I rot.
I lose every friend
By predicting the end
Of each drama -thus spoiling the plot!

..................................

I could try writing a thriller
About some young girl -who would kill her?

 

[GNC]

I could try writing a thriller
About some young girl -who would kill her?
Don't be in a hurry
To kill - she's a furry
And spends weekends as a gorilla.

***

I should give my old costume a wash
Maybe disinfectant - a big slosh

 

[IamSundog]

I should give my old costume a wash
Maybe disinfectant - a big slosh
It reeks, to be crude...
Crumbs and remnants of food....
Furry parties have excellent nosh...


I wish they would make the roads wider
For my giant mechanical spider

 

[feen5]

I wish they would make the roads wider
For my giant mechanical spider
Cause when its on the grass
It falls on its Ass
Like a drunkard that's pissed on strong Cider

Do you like my new robotic snail
it runs on lettuce and strong ale

 

[GNC]

Do you like my new robotic snail
it runs on lettuce and strong ale
Cos I found this old battery
I got from the cattery
Tended to go too slow and fail.

***

On my rocket powered rollerskates
I can travel at tremendous rates

 

[Recycled1]

***

On my rocket powered rollerskates
I can travel at tremendous rates
I mow down old ladies
And new mums with babies
I'm that yobbo that everyone hates!

..............................................................................

Ask Santa to bring you a scooter
A slow one -equipped with a hooter!

 

[GNC]

Ask Santa to bring you a scooter
A slow one -equipped with a hooter!
That I don't need
I've given up speed
I'm now parked beside a computer.

***

Contemplate the broad sky of blue
And you'll know there's one thing to do

 

[Peripart]

Contemplate the broad sky of blue
And you'll know there's one thing to do
Get out while you can
And work on your tan
Because nice days in autumn are few

The climate is changing - and fast!
And the time to react's nearly passed

 

[IamSundog]

The climate is changing - and fast!
And the time to react's nearly passed
Change is so difficult
It’s a too-human fault
So - goodbye to the whole crew and cast?


All we need is zero point energy
We can power our toasters for free

 

[GNC]

All we need is zero point energy
We can power our toasters for free
Just say "Zim zala bim"
And your every whim
Can be granted on a magic spree.

***

What's the best way to do basil
That's holds in flavour with no hassle?

 

[Recycled1]

What's the best way to do basil
That's holds in flavour with no hassle?
Knife or fingers?
Love the smell that lingers!
Food fit for a king in his castle.

..........................................................................................
A T.V. cook named Mary
Baked a cake that looked quite scary

 

[escargot]

A T.V. cook named Mary
Baked a cake that looked quite scary
Critics were vitriolic
'It looks like a bollock!'
Well, she shouldn't have made it so hairy.

On the subject of things below the waist
Are anatomical cakes to your taste?

 

[feen5]

On the subject of things below the waist
Are anatomical cakes to your taste?
Its becoming an art
To pick the right part
Would you like Lewd or something quite chaste

On presenting her freshly baked Scones
Scargy produced more than a few Groans