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Blitz Limericks

IamSundog

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On presenting her freshly baked Scones
Scargy produced more than a few Groans
When she topped them with slime
(which to snails is sublime)
We all Snap Chatted them on our phones


Folks think that I’m some kind of nutter
Cuz I roll around naked in butter
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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Folks think that I’m some kind of nutter
Cuz I roll around naked in butter
If they give you lip
You give them the slip
Don't be an eye-roller or tutter.

***

All those superheroes? Overrated!
Who needs superpowers to be sated?
 

IamSundog

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All those superheroes? Overrated!
Who needs superpowers to be sated?
Launched from my catapult
You can soar, somersault,
Though the landings tend to Iill-fated


Through my door carrying five or six nuns
Stomps a pachyderm weighing several tons
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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Through my door carrying five or six nuns
Stomps a pachyderm weighing several tons
Climbing up to the howdah
I find Marching Powder
But fob off poor Jumbo with buns!

With the elephant, nuns and cocaine
My party went straight down the drain
 

feen5

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With the elephant, nuns and cocaine
My party went straight down the drain
the clerical error
that released all this terror
has caused me nothing but pain.

To think of a nun snorting a line
Its a habit I don't think is fine
 

Recycled1

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To think of a nun snorting a line
Its a habit I don't think is fine.
And that elephant poo
Spoilt my new carpet, too
Next time we'll use YOUR house, not mine!

..........................................................................................
I'm planning a Hallowe'en trick
With a skull on the end of a stick
 

IamSundog

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I'm planning a Hallowe'en trick
With a skull on the end of a stick
When the kids reach my door
I’ll thrust it, with a roar,
Through my window and scare the brats sick


So, the kids all like goblins and witches?
Here’s something to make them all shit their britches
 

GNC

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So, the kids all like goblins and witches?
Here’s something to make them all shit their britches
They'll never forgive
This great laxative
It'll have all the ghosties in stitches.

***

The scariest haunt of Amityville
Is the terrifying, faulty window sill
 

feen5

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The scariest haunt of Amityville
Is the terrifying, faulty window sill
with a bang and a crash
falls the whole window sash
crushing fingers to cries that are shrill

When making a mask from old knickers
your sure to get plenty of snickers
 

IamSundog

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When making a mask from old knickers
your sure to get plenty of snickers
But it won’t hurt your pride
If you’ve been fortified
With copious and various liquors


Spent the weekend at the Dali Lama’s
But forgot to pack any pajamas
 

Recycled1

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Spent the weekend at the Dali Lama’s
But forgot to pack any pajamas
So I slept in the nude.
No, that's not being rude
Aged bodies don't cause many dramas!

..............................................................................................

Will Christmas be cancelled this year?
Santa 'shielding'? No work for reindeer?
 

feen5

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Will Christmas be cancelled this year?
Santa 'shielding'? No work for reindeer?
You can take all those elfs
from off of those shelfs
And forget about stocking up on beer

Forget about raising any cheer
This yuletide or even this year
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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Forget about raising any cheer
This yuletide or even this year
The prospect of turkey
Is looking quite murky
Call it off, have a burger and beer!

We can still cuddle next to the tree
In groups of no more than three
 

GNC

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We can still cuddle next to the tree
In groups of no more than three
And to no-one's surprise
You must sanitise
Holding breath throughout the hug, you see.

***

But this year mustn't lose face
It's Christmas we have to replace
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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But this year mustn't lose face
It's Christmas we have to replace
With a new celebration
Of a solitary persuasion
Repel all well-wishers with Mace!

Hark! Do you hear the carol singers?
They are really all well-disguised swingers
 

Recycled1

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Hark! Do you hear the carol singers?
They are really all well-disguised swingers
When they knock and say"Please?"
They're after your keys!
Say "NO!" -they're elderly mingers!

.............................................................................
Shall we do 'Secret Santa' this year?
It's home- made masks and hand gel, I fear.
 

IamSundog

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Shall we do 'Secret Santa' this year?
It's home- made masks and hand gel, I fear.
Red and green PPE
Under the Christmas tree
Will fill us with holiday cheer


‘Neath the mistletoe kiss your sweet love
Stroke her cheek with your latex glove
 

feen5

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Neath the mistletoe kiss your sweet love
Stroke her cheek with your latex glove
but it can be quite an ordeal
if you wish to cop a feel
in a hazmat suit with no grip to talk of

When gripping a bodily part
its best not to have a faint heart
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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When gripping a bodily part
its best not to have a faint heart
Though you might get the giggles
If it wobbles or jiggles
Yes, osteopathy is a fine art.


When Sundog was busy touching his toes
Feen5 sneaked up with two big dildoes
 

Recycled1

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When Sundog was busy touching his toes
Feen5 sneaked up with two big dildoes
And said "Which d' you fancy?
The red one's a bit chancy -
Who used it last. no-one knows!

########################

Sundog said "Leave me alone!
I've got plenty of toys of my own!"
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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Sundog said "Leave me alone!
I've got plenty of toys of my own!"
He can put up with chafe
So nothing is safe -
Keep an eye on your dog's favourite bone!

Poor Sundog! He's getting some stick
But he knows we're just taking the mick
 

feen5

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Poor Sundog! He's getting some stick
But he knows we're just taking the mick
there's none of us immune
from a Scargy Lampoon
Inflated ego's she'll pop with a prick

I can see that your jokes are not caustic
they dabble in realms much more gnostic
 

escargot

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I can see that your jokes are not caustic
they dabble in realms much more gnostic
The joke that I stole
From that old Dead Sea Scroll
Was an obscene Paleo-Hebrew acrostic!

The old jokes, they say, are the best
So I must be especially blessed
 

Peripart

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The old jokes, they say, are the best
So I must be especially blessed
My jokes go back years
And they'll bring you to tears
I'm a fellow of infinite jest!

My quips range from dry to quite humourous
And my puns are both silly and numerous
 

feen5

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My quips range from dry to quite humourous
And my puns are both silly and numerous
The depth of my wit
is really legit
but my pranks can cause lumps mildly tumerous

Take a look at this joke flower you'll see
that its not one that squirts liberally
 

IamSundog

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Take a look at this joke flower you'll see
that its not one that squirts liberally
It holds back ‘till when
Escargot leans in
Then it spatters her face gleefully

Recycled and Scarg go pub crawling
The lowlifes they bring home are appalling
 

GNC

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Recycled and Scarg go pub crawling
The lowlifes they bring home are appalling
All the waifs and strays
Who all have a craze
For being paralytic and falling.

***

Oh, that's brilliant, just great
I'm now starting to mutate
 

feen5

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Oh, that's brilliant, just great
I'm now starting to mutate
I knew that Gin
Had something put in
when my skin began to radiate

I like the new glow of my skin
but I'm not sure 'bout the new dorsal fin
 

Recycled1

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I like the new glow of my skin
but I'm not sure 'bout the new dorsal fin
I feel drawn to the sea -
The whales call to me-
A new life is about to begin!

..................................................................
Am I big and imposing like 'Jaws'?
No! A sprat -so no cause for applause.
 

Peripart

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Am I big and imposing like 'Jaws'?
No! A sprat - so no cause for applause.
But size isn't all
I don't mind being small
In fact, that's the least of my flaws!

Though I might seem a reasonable chap
Don't ever fall into my trap
 
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