Blitz Limericks

[IamSundog]

Though I might seem a reasonable chap
Don't ever fall into my trap
“It rubs the lotion
Into its skin”
I’ll say, with my lil’ dog on my lap


My uncle the octogenarian
Has a bucket his pet rats to carry in

 

[Peripart]

My uncle the octogenarian
Has a bucket his pet rats to carry in
He's trained both his dogs
To balance on logs
And his cat's a confirmed vegetarian

In the realm of fierce beast-on-beast combat
The fight between badger and wombat

 

[GNC]

In the realm of fierce beast-on-beast combat
The fight between badger and wombat
There's only one winner
The poor wom is dinner
Much like a mouse versus house cat.

***

You really must be having a laugh
If you think you can ride a giraffe

 

[feen5]

You really must be having a laugh
If you think you can ride a giraffe
perhaps you should try
something not so high
like a gnu or even a calf

When travelling through the Serengeti
Chose a Camel but not ones that's sweaty

 

[IamSundog]

When travelling through the Serengeti
Chose a Camel but not ones that's sweaty
Or if taking a sashay a-
-mong the Himalayas
Try a piggy-back ride from a Yeti


You’ll wish that you’d never been born
When you hear me play my French horn

 

[feen5]

You’ll wish that you’d never been born
When you hear me play my French horn
My first symphony
will live in infamy
its deserving of all of your scorn

The finest of musical tunes
Can only be played with the spoons

 

[escargot]

The finest of musical tunes
Can only be played with the spoons
Let us clink tableware
When Feen's bottom is bare
And join in as he melodically moons!

The nights are a-drawing in here
In our damp chilly north hemisphere

 

[GNC]

The nights are a-drawing in here
In our damp chilly north hemisphere
Please don't think me the rudest
But if you're a nudist
Time to think of an indoor career.

***

I present a remarkable pigeon
Who's started a brand new religion

 

[escargot]

I present a remarkable pigeon
Who's started a brand new religion
Look up to the sky
And catch in the eye
His blessing, that righteous smidgeon.

My corset is all ripped and torn
And my knickers are tattered and worn

 

[Dinobot]

My corset is all ripped and torn
And my knickers are tattered and worn
Afternoon Delight
Has me feeling right
As I lurch home in the new morn!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

If I were feeling dutiful,
Sing "All Things Bright And Beautiful"

 

[IamSundog]

If I were feeling dutiful,
Sing "All Things Bright And Beautiful"
And go get a start
On the village tart
And try to give that girl a booty full


By the light of the pale harvest moon
I spied a large rabid raccoon

 

[GNC]

By the light of the pale harvest moon
I spied a large rabid raccoon
And beside it a mouse
As big as a house
I do hope these drugs wear off soon.

***

I'm shocked at the tremendous size
Of my pre-Christmas batch of mince pies

 

[escargot]

I'm shocked at the tremendous size
Of my pre-Christmas batch of mince pies
They're now in the oven
After plenty of shovin'
The kitchen will burst when they rise!

Through the big hole in Dinobot's vest
You con see the pterodactyls' nest

 

[IamSundog]

Through the big hole in Dinobot's vest
You can see the pterodactyls' nest
And down in his drawers
Are some tyrannosaurs
He expects us to all be impressed


That thing you’ve got! It’s a behemoth!
The size of which most fellows dreameth!

 

[feen5]

That thing you’ve got! It’s a behemoth!
The size of which most fellows dreameth'of (sorry i had to add that 'of)
but you should have a care
that your underwear
befits yourself as a man of the cloth

Over the last limerick I've toiled
so much so, my pants I have soiled

 

[GNC]

Over the last limerick I've toiled
so much so, my pants I have soiled
And yet your rhymes
Were grammatical crimes
If you think you've succeeded - you're foiled!

***

"I'm not selling Cola now" - Santa
He's taken a liking to Fanta

 

[IamSundog]

“I'm not selling Cola now" - Santa
He's taken a liking to Fanta
And what makes him most merry
Is to get sloshed on sherry
But go back up the chimney? He can’t-a

Off-season the elves get their kicks
By starring in midget porn flicks

 

[feen5]

Off-season the elves get their kicks
By starring in midget porn flicks
but to appear in the buff
is just not enough
the make extra by turning some tricks

It's a mistake to think its just snow
If its white and in Santa's Grotto

 

[feen5]

Sorry i know I shouldn't be completing my own limerick but its been over a month and i hate to see this thread go this long without being used.

It's a mistake to think its just snow
If its white and in Santa's Grotto
it helps elves at workstations
when making decorations
if they are out of their minds on pure blow

If ever you find you are the brunt
of a callous or malicious stunt

 

[Peripart]

If ever you find you are the brunt
of a callous or malicious stunt
Just try to be meek
And turn t'other cheek
Failing that, then it's time to be blunt

(Dodged a bullet there...)

The best way to deal with a bully
Is to remonstrate very forcefully

 

[escargot]

The best way to deal with a bully
Is to remonstrate very forcefully
Your tattoos of their Mum
On each cheek of your bum
Then run off down the nearest dark gully!

A good way of training your pig
Is to guide it along with a twig

 

[GNC]

A good way of training your pig
Is to guide it along with a twig
With a carrot attached
For the plan you have hatched
To teach it good manners when big.

***

Of all of my great foot-based fails,
When I refused to cut my toenails

 

[IamSundog]

Of all of my great foot-based fails,
When I refused to cut my toenails
They grew long and sharp
They made my wife carp
That in bed her poor shins they impales


Oh poor Donny, bereft of supporters
Now hunkers alone in his quarters

 

[feen5]

Oh poor Donny, bereft of supporters
Now hunkers alone in his quarters
he'll live out his days
In a KFC haze
playing golf, and abusing reporters

He should never have listened to Bannon
Or the crazy rantings of Q'Anon

 

[escargot]

He should never have listened to Bannon
Or the crazy rantings of Q'Anon
With his failed insurrection
And Biden's election
He's the Republicans' last mastodon.

Melania should pack up and leave
The poor woman deserves a reprieve

 

[GNC]

Melania should pack up and leave
The poor woman deserves a reprieve
You're not fooling me
For I know that she
Is a fembot bought online by Steve.

***

Let's go on The Great Bigfoot Hunt
There's no way it could be a stunt

 

[Peripart]

Let's go on The Great Bigfoot Hunt
There's no way it could be a stunt
With methods painstaking
This grand undertaking
Will prove its worth self-evident!

We'll find a beast wild and hirsute!
(And not just some bloke in a suit)

 

[IamSundog]

We'll find a beast wild and hirsute!
(And not just some bloke in a suit)
We’ll blow-dry and brush
From his crown to his tush
Add ribbons and bows - oh how cute!

The fearsome and slavering beast
Looks up, gore-bespecked, from his feast

 

[escargot]

The fearsome and slavering beast
Looks up, gore-bespecked, from his feast
Gives a devilish grin
Innards drip from his chin
So that's Sundog's tea sorted, at least!


Peripart says he's not one to flirt
But he looks so darned good in a skirt

 

[Peripart]

Peripart says he's not one to flirt
But he looks so darned good in a skirt

With my penchant for tartan
I look like a Spartan!
(Except for my pink sequinned shirt)

No all men look good in a kilt
Some just aren't that way built