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Blitz Limericks

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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No all men look good in a kilt
Some just aren't that way built

Dammit.

Try as I might, I can NOT finish this Limerick without straying into quite crass obscenity. :rofl:
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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No all men look good in a kilt
Some just aren't that way built
They're simply abhorrent
When tartaned and sporraned
And please do not ask them to tilt.

***

While yelling and doing fist pumps
I tried out Olympic-style jumps
 

feen5

Justified & Ancient
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While yelling and doing fist pumps
I tried out Olympic-style jumps
but its hard to halt
in mid somersault
wearing fishnets and fetching blue pumps

The sight of the ancient Greeks
running about in their bare cheeks
 

IamSundog

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The sight of the ancient Greeks
running about in their bare cheeks
and bouncing tits
viewed by staid Brits
elicits many “Oh!”s and “Eeek!”s

Whereas Americans, quite puritanical,
Cloak the subject in metaphors botanical
 

feen5

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Whereas Americans, quite puritanical,
Cloak the subject in metaphors botanical
and the results
of consenting adults
make their sex appear quite mechanical

'Wearing cloths and hiding ones bits'
Shouts Scargy, 'Its really the pits'
 

GNC

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'Wearing cloths and hiding ones bits'
Shouts Scargy, 'Its really the pits'
But the Prince Albert of Feen
Doesn't need to be seen
We don't care how snugly it fits.

***

If these walls could talk, they would say
"We've stared at you enough today!"
 

Peripart

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If these walls could talk, they would say
"We've stared at you enough today!
"Your disgusting habits
"Are worse than a rabbit's
"For goodness' sake - put it away!"

My technology's spying on me
It knows all that I do, think or see
 

GNC

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My technology's spying on me
It knows all that I do, think or see
But I shouldn't moan
Because I'm not alone
It's looking at everyone, tee-hee.

***

I've decided - if the worst comes to worst
At least I'm better off than Fred Durst
 

feen5

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I've decided - if the worst comes to worst
At least I'm better off than Fred Durst
a diet simplistic
just crumbs of limp bizkit
is a terrible way to be cursed

When casting a simplistic spell
its hard, the results to foretell,
 

ChasFink

Abominable Snowman
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When casting a simplistic spell
its hard, the results to foretell,
Will you summon a frog?
A razorback hog?
Or all of the Legions of Hell?
_________

Although I am wearing two masks
I'm still doing all of my tasks.
 

IamSundog

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Although I am wearing two masks
I'm still doing all of my tasks.
The strain tends to drain
All the blood from my brain
So I snort oxygen from these flasks

My diminished air intake capacity
Seems to dictate compulsory chastity
 

feen5

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My diminished air intake capacity
Seems to dictate compulsory chastity
my intake of air
is exceedingly rare
and does not lead to making love with vivacity

Its not easy to be ineffectual
during acts of a nature that's sexual
 

IamSundog

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Its not easy to be ineffectual
during acts of a nature that's sexual
If you can’t upraise and
Rise to the occasion
Well, you won’t unless you expect you will

It never helps to overthink it
Stop trying! Relax! Shoot and sink it!
 

ChasFink

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It never helps to overthink it
Stop trying! Relax! Shoot and sink it!
I just want to say
It's been a week and two day
Since this limerick was started and no one has thought of an ending so let's just not bother.

An upstart invaded this thread
And said what came into his head.
 

GNC

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An upstart invaded this thread
And said what came into his head.
It needs a reroute
So any big galoot
Won't fill lim'rick writers with dread.

***

What I've just seen's a real pip
I believe it was a floating ship
 

feen5

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What I've just seen's a real pip
I believe it was a floating ship
it was just over there
about ten feet in the air
I really must stop sniffing sheep dip

From now on it will be plain old glue
that will scatter my brainwaves askew
 

ChasFink

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From now on it will be plain old glue
that will scatter my brainwaves askew
Or maybe I'll tarnish
My brain cells with varnish
Yes that will most nicely do.

What substance will I next inhale?
There's something o'er there in a pail!
 

Dinobot

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Broadcasting from the moon...
What substance will I next inhale?
There's something o'er there in a pail!
It's green and slimy
And just begs "Try me!"
It will make you think you're a whale!

=========================================

Contemplate the wide clue yonder
When you've nothing left to ponder
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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Contemplate the wide clue yonder
When you've nothing left to ponder
As you step through the door
Drop your pants on the floor
And feel the cool breeze as you wander.

Getting warmer or colder round'ere
Depends on your home hemisphere
 

Dinobot

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Location
Broadcasting from the moon...
Getting warmer or colder round'ere
Depends on your home hemisphere
An autumnal breeze
Right between your knees
And drown your sorrows in Welsh beer!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Beer from all the drinking nations?
The ready all battle stations!
 

IamSundog

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Beer from all the drinking nations?
The ready all battle stations!
I’ll have me a lager
From Nicaraguar
While y’all makin’ your preparations

His every entrance gets a reaction!
Dinobot! Dashing man of action!
 

GNC

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His every entrance gets a reaction!
Dinobot! Dashing man of action!
If he does too much dashing
It's him who'll be crashing
And likely to end up in traction.

***

I am now the proud instigator
Of this innovative flight simulator
 

IamSundog

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I am now the proud instigator
Of this innovative flight simulator
I push you o’er the brink
And then it’s “fly, or sink”
And if it’s “sink”, well, see you later


Leaned men have spent decades on theses
Trying to grasp the female of the species
 

feen5

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Learned men have spent decades on theses
Trying to grasp the female of the species
But the design of a claw
is never without a flaw
to lift up this trickiest of beasties

Whereas catching a male is to easy
most are slow, fat and somewhat wheezy
 

Dinobot

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Whereas catching a male is to easy
most are slow, fat and somewhat wheezy
Good in the kitchen
Clothes repairs? Stitchin'!
Romance will be light and breezy!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Now that I have banned Dr Seuess
Because he was no longer of use
 

ChasFink

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Now that I have banned Dr Seuess
Because he was no longer of use
I'm bidding adieu
To Pepe LePew
His antics no longer amuse.


I don't mean to sound like a vulture,
But I really embrace cancel culture.
 

Peripart

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I don't mean to sound like a vulture,
But I really embrace cancel culture.
If I'm not a fan it
Is best just to ban it
Or else I'll just verbally assault ya

Not wishing to sound like a Gorgon
But I'm channelling my inner Piers Morgan
 

feen5

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Not wishing to sound like a Gorgon
But I'm channelling my inner Piers Morgan
and my moral compass
would likely cause a rumpus
as I flash everyone my sex organ

It really is a very nice shape
Said Scargy from under her cape
 

Peripart

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"It really is a very nice shape"
Said Scargy from under her cape
"But it's lacking in vigour
"And I was hoping for bigger
"It's a waste of my measuring tape"

Innuendo is all very well
But when you have hard truths to tell
 
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