Blitz Limericks

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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Innuendo is all very well
But when you have hard truths to tell
Just give us a grin
And then slip one in
Your erotomaniac villanelle!

Peripart knows a million rude phrases!
His glossary of scatalogy just amazes!
 

Peripart

Antediluvian
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Peripart knows a million rude phrases!
His glossary of scatalogy just amazes!
He's lacking in wit
But knows ten words for "shit"
And swears like those blokes from Oasis

They say that bad language ain't clever
But do I let that deter me - no, never!
 

feen5

Justified & Ancient
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They say that bad language ain't clever
But do I let that deter me - no, never!
I curse like a docker
or a wrinkly old rocker
So fu*k you if you don't like my endeavor

The power of being upfront
Can be mistaken for being just blunt
 

IamSundog

Not insane
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The power of being upfront
Can be mistaken for being just blunt
So please don’t object
I’m just being direct
When I call you a fat stupid c*nt

It’s a sign of how much I respect you
That I’m forthright in how I detest you
 

ChasFink

Abominable Snowman
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It’s a sign of how much I respect you
That I’m forthright in how I detest you
A fortnight's gone by
And no one did try
to end this poem - Radu Florescu

When posting here one should use care
That their limerick won't hang in the air
 

Peripart

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When posting here one should use care
That their limerick won't hang in the air
Sometimes the rhymes
Are virtually crimes
And don't seem to lead anywhere

So be fair to your fellow FT'ers
And your poem won't invite others' jeers
 

IamSundog

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So be fair to your fellow FT'ers
And your poem won't invite others' jeers
Well I think my two lines
Were actually fine
And therefore the problem must be yers

It causes me loss of felicity
As I morph ever more toward sphericity
 

ChasFink

Abominable Snowman
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It causes me loss of felicity
As I morph ever more toward sphericity
I'm now in transition
From muscle definition
To a physique that lacks specificity

My problem is one of temptation
I love eating foods from every nation
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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My problem is one of temptation
I love eating foods from every nation
Does Antarctica count?
I don't like how they flaunt
Ice cream as their own special creation.

***

Leaving Rendlesham Forest in despair
I was dismayed there was nobody there
 

feen5

Justified & Ancient
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Leaving Rendlesham Forest in despair
I was dismayed there was nobody there
I shone down my light
from a very great height
those humans are to easy to scare

So I powered up my time machine
it glows in vivid aquamarine
 

IamSundog

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So I powered up my time machine
it glows in vivid aquamarine
And when we arrive
In 1905
We’ll visit @GNC as a teen

I’ve finally perfected this tonic
That lets me reach speeds supersonic
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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I’ve finally perfected this tonic
That lets me reach speeds supersonic
A futuristic project
With a pleasing effect
Just like an expensive colonic!


Hear those strange little rumbles and growls
As Feen otherwise silently prowls?
 

GNC

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Hear those strange little rumbles and growls
As Feen otherwise silently prowls?
Don't call for your mummy
It's only his tummy
'Cause he needs to empty his bowels.

***

Do not fear the Covid pollution
When you have an iron constitution
 

droogiefret

Junior Acolyte
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Do not fear the Covid pollution
When you have an iron constitution
There's a wisdom in that
I mean look at your cat..
OK, it's a piss poor solution.

----

However that vitamin D
Really will help your immunity
 

ChasFink

Abominable Snowman
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However that vitamin D
Really will help your immunity
But get it from sunlight
Too many pills just might
Make for quite excessive pee


When it comes to immunity enhancer
Vitamins may not be the answer
 

IamSundog

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When it comes to immunity enhancer
Vitamins may not be the answer
Get your Vitamin D
From the sun! All for free!
By being a habitual no-pantser


Insinuations of your senescence
Are undermined by your tumescence
 

feen5

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Insinuations of your senescence
Are undermined by your tumescence
and you divulge
the size of your bulge
because of its bright iridescence

Should it really be shining that brightly
perhaps your pants are tied up to tightly
 

Peripart

Antediluvian
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Should it really be shining that brightly?
Perhaps your pants are tied up too tightly
Blood's rushed to your head
And your face is bright red
It's quickly becoming unsightly

Going traditional...

There once was a man from Redruth
Whose mouth contained only one tooth
 

Souleater

I'm not a cat
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There once was a man from Redruth
Whose mouth contained only one tooth
He drives a two seater
They call him Juanita
And he fell from the old chapel roof

**********************************************

There was and old man with two brains
Who who had terrible trouble on trains
 

feen5

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There was and old man with two brains
Who who had terrible trouble on trains
he just wasn't able
to read a timetable
so he gave up and just used airplanes

There was a young girl from caerphilly
who lost her sight, temporarily
 

IamSundog

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There was a young girl from caerphilly
who lost her sight, temporarily
While at a nude beach
So she had to reach
To find the guide rope, albeit warily

the firefly’s reproductive strategy
Relies not on cheap booze and flattery
 

Souleater

I'm not a cat
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the firefly’s reproductive strategy
Relies not on cheap booze and flattery
They fly round round and round
Avoiding the ground
And end up shagging Tony Slattery

**********************************************

The life of a sasquatch is a thrill
Avoiding the cameras with skill
 

ChasFink

Abominable Snowman
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The life of a sasquatch is a thrill
Avoiding the cameras with skill
He will walk like a human
With startling acumen
Frustrating each would-be DeMille

.................

There once was a lass of Woodbury
Who was never in much of a hurry
 

droogiefret

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There once was a lass of Woodbury
Who was never in much of a hurry
One step at a time
During lockdown is fine
There's nowhere to go - so why worry?

___________________________________

At the end of my street is a hole
Where I slipped once and lost my egg roll
 

GNC

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At the end of my street is a hole
Where I slipped once and lost my egg roll
There will be no other
I'll never recover
This loss takes a serious toll.

***

If there will be no more interference
Bigfoot has called a press conference
 

Souleater

I'm not a cat
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If there will be no more interference
Bigfoot has called a press conference
He'll tell his life story
Leave out nothing gory
Including his bouts of incontinence

**********************************************

I once met an alien big cat
Which wore an extrordinary hat
 

IamSundog

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I once met an alien big cat
wore an extrordinary hat
Adorned with bananas
Like Carmen Miranda’s
And topped with a heliostat

The cat created quite a fracas
Sang calypso and played the maracas
 

droogiefret

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The cat created quite a fracas
Sang calypso and played the maracas
"If you want to hear noise
Watch me play with these toys!"
And we ran off - in fear she'd attack us.

_____________________________________

On top of that cloud over there
There's a medium size village I swear
 

ChasFink

Abominable Snowman
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On top of that cloud over there
There's a medium size village I swear
It's not a mirage
'cos I see a garage
For cars that can fly through the air!

_____________________________________

I am now authorized to disclose
Something that nobody knows
 

droogiefret

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I am now authorized to disclose
Something that nobody knows
Of course, if I knew
And could tell it to you
I'd not be allowed I suppose.

------------------------------------

'They say' - but then who are 'They?'
That say all these things day to day...
 
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