Fruitcake Threat ... phase one

[littleblackduck]

Sometimes the juxtaposition of two mundane stories creates an effect worthy of our interest.

Just yesterday, I heard that fruitcakes are being banned from some airports because their density makes them an excellent choice for the concealment of weapons:

Tue, December 9, 2003




Fruitcakes not welcome as carry-on baggage: security official



MONTREAL (CP) - Holiday travellers are being advised to forget the fruitcake as carry-on luggage if they want to avoid delays when boarding planes over the holiday season.

The head of the Canadian Air Transport Security Authority said Tuesday about 500,000 prohibited items have been intercepted at Canada's 89 airports during the past six months.

Jacques Duchesneau said the public still isn't aware of what is allowed on board.

He said a lot of scissors and Swiss Army knives are still being confiscated along with toy guns, ice skates and flammable liquids in aerosol cans.

Duchesneau noted even fruitcakes will be X-rayed because they're dense and could hide a weapon.

"I guess you would be wondering why we have something against fruitcakes," he told a news conference, holding one aloft. "Well, not really.

"When seen through an X-ray machine it might represent something we might need to check. It's very dense. We don't take any chances."

Bottled liquids, such as homemade wine, will also be rejected.

Duchesneau said the only bottles allowed on planes are those with alcohol that have a government seal.

He added he was surprised when a passenger became upset when told he couldn't bring a parachute on board.


Fruitcake Ban

 

[littleblackduck]

Fruitcake threat ... Phase Two

This morning whilst dragging myself upright, I heard a television report that said that fruitcakes were being sent to Canadian troops in Afghanistan ...

Dec. 11, 2003. 10:06 PM


Cake for troops


CANADIAN PRESS

Chefs-in-training at George Brown College began measuring ingredients today for about 400 fruitcakes they plan to ship to Canadian troops in Afghanistan, Bosnia and Sierra Leone.
And you can set aside the lame jokes about how the soldiers can use them for mortar rounds or to weigh down the tents in a wind storm.

These cakes are being made with an extra dollop of care and concern for soldiers serving overseas, and they'll be accompanied by cards, notes and other greetings from students and faculty.

John Walker, dean of hospitality and tourism at the college, says even though some of the approximately 3,800 soldiers at the receiving end might not like fruitcake, it's the thought that counts.

"Well, there's always these inside jokes and outside jokes about fruitcake but I think . . . it's the actual giving part and the caring part that's more important here."

With that in mind, the students, faculty and other helpers will really get down to work Saturday.

They'll mix 80 kilograms of sugar, 80 kilograms of butter, 70 kilograms of eggs and other ingredients - including 22 litres of rum - and bake the one kilogram fruitcakes.

"I think we've got about 40 people coming in to bake these fabulous cakes, with lots of fruit in them so they'll be nice and moist," Walker said.

It may sound like a lot of food to put together, but Walker says it's "no big deal."

"Our faculty are trained, they've all got international qualifications in baking and pastry arts work, so we've got the machinery, we've got the talent. The students who are involved, they're always winning competitions for chocolate work and pastry work . . . the big deal is they're doing it for somebody overseas we really care about."

"We're so lucky - we can walk around in Toronto, but when you open the newspaper every day, it's pretty scary what's going on out there. And I think the students have realized that."

They decided to send fruitcake after contacting military officials overseas.

"We said 'what would be the best thing to send?' " Walker said. "We arrived at this through some e-mail discussions with the chief of staff. They've been wonderful working with us."

On Monday, the cakes will be loaded into a vehicle and transported to an air base for shipping to the troops.

Brigitte Smiley, spokeswoman for the Canadian Forces Personnel Support Agency, said everybody is excited about the project.

"Fruitcake is a perfect item because it has a longer shelf life," she said.

"It's not a perishable item, so it will be very nice for all the CF members to receive something that is so Christmasy from Canada."

Walker, meanwhile, said his students aren't just training to be chefs.

"They're looking at the world from a humanitarian perspective, and that's very critical nowadays."


Fruitcakes baked for soldiers

 

[littleblackduck]

Fruitcake Threat ... Phase Three

It's about time that Canadian troops received proper armaments!

The Canadian contigent in Kabul of 2,000 or so is second largest after the Americans, but they have been driving around in unarmoured jeeps (all of the Hummers are on the dangerous streets of Hollywood).

Clearly fruitcakes could save a lot of lives, even if they contain no concealed weapons. They make excellent sandbags. Unlike Cornflakes, they get soggy when wet, but don't lose any of their impressive density and firmness.

Also, in an emergency, they can, unlike sandbags, be eaten, or force-fed to captured enemy spies.

But why has the Canadian Government been keeping fruitcakes secret all of this time?

And why hasn't the Blair Government acknowledged its immense stockpiles of fruitcakes?

And ... oh, never mind. I will leave the conspiracy theories to the experts. I would just like to point out that Canada is swearing in a new Prime Minister today, as well as a new Minister of Defence, or possibly, Defense.

Things will change!

But it seems suspicious to me that this fruitcake story is breaking now, just before Christmas Break (which for Governments can run into February). This timing seems to be no accident.

Just days ago, the August New York Times ran some alarmist comment about terrorist sleeper cells lurking within mere miles of America's northern cities. Doesn't seem likely--after all, Al Qaeda knew that they were going to attack America from within, and they might reasonably have supposed that America's borders would be watched thereafter. I expect the real workaday sleeper cells are in Florida, where it is warmer and a tan doesn't look so suspicious.

But now people will have to look at every fruitcake as if it were a bomb. Well, they do that anyway.

Warn your Aunt Tilly not to send you and your family fruitcakes anymore or she could be arrested under suspicion of terrorism.

A horrible idea just occured to me: pre-sliced fruitcakes might be o.k. to carry in your baggage provided you don't pack them in handbaggage!

Anyway, Merry Christmas to You and Your Favourite Fruitcakes!

 

[littleblackduck]

Fruitcake Conspiracy ... The Final Phase

I know that John Cleese did this to death already with fresh fruit, I am afraid, but perhaps we should seriously consider the many ways in which fruitcake can be used as a weapon!

Actually, I hope I haven't offended any fruitcake lovers. I am fond of a small piece of fruitcake myself, with black tea, and a Russian handgun disguised to look like a Gummy Bear filled cellphone.

When fruitcakes are illegal, only the bad guys will have fruitcakes.--National Fruit Cake Association Motto

You'll get my fruitcake when you prise it from my cold sticky fingers.

Is anybody else annoyed that their verbosity obliges them to split up their rants into separate posts, paragraphs, sentences, etc., or is it just me?

I have to log back on almost everytime I want to post something. Fortunately for you, I often don't bother.

 

[Mythopoeika]

Re: Fruitcake Conspiracy ... The Final Phase

I know that John Cleeves did this to death already with fresh fruit, I am afraid, but perhaps we should seriously consider the many ways in which fruitcake can be used as a weapon!

I'm not familiar with the work of John Cleeves (John Cleese, maybe?).

 

[NilesCalder]

It's better to have a fruitcake and not need it than need it an not have it.

I like trifle.

 

[littleblackduck]

Re: Re: Fruitcake Conspiracy ... The Final Phase

I'm not familiar with the work of John Cleeves (John Cleese, maybe?).

Sorry. Typo. I have amended the error. John Cleese, by the way, shared a birthday with my late grandmother. Lovely generous, good woman, but I don't think she ever told a joke or got one.

I like reading the birthday lists published with astrology columns looking for pattern or the absence of pattern. It's a hobby.

 

[Anonymous]

This seemingly being a Canadian thread, I just can't figure out why everyone here dislikes fruitcakes so much? Having never tried them before arriving in Canada, I find them quite tasty, especially with tea, but a bit too expensive. That's a real conspiracy, littleblackduck - making fellow Canadians shell out too much for something they don't eat.

 

[Anonymous]

Hello, my name is Nonny, I'm Canadian, and I like fruitcake.

The really rich dark fruitcake, not the light kind that's mainly cherries. And it has to be the kind with a good half-inch of that really thick buttercream frosting on top.

Great with a nice cool glass of eggnog. MMMM.

Nonny

 

[taras]

I only have one thing to say: hot cross buns. :eek!!!!:

 

[SoundDust]

apparently the FDA in the US are putting more restrictions on posting food to the US from the Uk from next year, something to do with registering items on their website before sending them. Can't find that story now though, still a little bit tired atm:cross eye

[edit]
somestuffhere

The policy guide deals with the enforcement of the Bioterrorism Act's requirement, which becomes effective on December 12, 2003, that FDA receive a prior notification of all human and animal food, drinks and dietary supplements imported or offered for import to the U.S. Another requirement of the Bioterrorism Act mandates that all facilities that manufacture, process, pack or hold food for consumption in the U.S. be registered with FDA. This registration requirement for foreign facilities will be primarily enforced through the prior notice provision.

In October, FDA and CBP jointly published an interim final rule that specified that, among other requirements, the prior notice must be received by FDA between two and eight hours -- depending on the mode of transportation -- before each shipment's arrival at the U.S. border. The prior notice interim final rule also covers food packages mailed or brought to the U.S. by individuals from abroad.

[/edit]

 

[Stormkhan]

Apart from the risk posed to fruitcake allergy sufferers, I think this is a sign that some governments, while right to be cautious over security, are starting to take the piss. A lot.

Canadians beware - your authorities have x-ray machines that are so poor, they have a hard time seeing through a fruitcake. Did they get them through a job lot of ancient medical equipment? Has anyone though of telling them about metal detectors in combination with explosive-sniffer dogs? Then again, perhaps they're worried the dogs might just eat the cake. Maybe they are angling for a bigger technical budget next year!
I'm sorry but the potential for dessert-based hijacks is too good to miss...
"Fly me to Cuba or I'll lob this chocolate sponge cake at you!"
"Better do as he says, he's got a loaded chocolate eclair too!"

 

[SoundDust]

if they can get bombs into shoes, I'm sure an eclair would be as easy:spinning

 

[OneWingedBird]

When I flew into the UK from Amsterdam they X-rayed my cheeses.

There was a whole ball of Oud there, though...

 

[Anonymous]

I only have one thing to say: hot cross buns. :eek!!!!:

That's what I used to get when I accidentally leaned against my dad's old wood stove.:grrr:

Nonny

 

[Anonymous]

<<< When I flew into the UK from Amsterdam they X-rayed my cheeses. >>>

'Cheeses' meaning real cheeses or something else (like buns and 'buns')?

 

[littleblackduck]

You get what you pay for

...

Canadians beware - your authorities have x-ray machines that are so poor, they have a hard time seeing through a fruitcake. Did they get them through a job lot of ancient medical equipment?

I don't know where the Canadian Government gets its x-ray machines but they bought some second hand submarines from the UK which proved to be a bit soggier than a plum pudding and about as easy to steer--I am not joking: they had to fix a leak in one of them using yoghurt tubs and chewing gum. The R.C.A.F. (Royal Canadian Air Farce, a comedy show on television) made hay of that incident, to be sure.

I believe yoghurt tubs and chewing gum are what the Russians used to keep the MIR space station up for 15 years past its best before date. The Canadian armed forces differ from the Russian forces primarily by having higher morale. Forget about "Good Old American Know-How"--if you want something jerry-rigged out of nothing, ask a Canadian and a Russian to do it.

This is not meant to criticize the British technology, which was probably good when it was introduced during the Boer War, it's just that the Canadian Government has a record of cheaping out on military spending, buying second hand stuff that fell off the back of a Russian truck in Afghanistan during the war (which war? don't ask me).

The new Defence Minister, the Right Honourable David Pratt, did propose a $2 billion boost in spending as an M.P. though, so maybe things will improve. Slightly. Someday.

Previous Pratts were useless.

I am as anti-militaristic as the next guy but I think we should have enough military might to take on a Maine scalloper and put the fear of God into a Portugese sardine boat.

 

[littleblackduck]

Gouda

I just recalled that on several historical occasions, cheeses have been used as cannon balls--Gouda works best because they are roundest but I can imagine Parmesian being deadly (Rocquefort might be pretty deadly as well, come to think of it).

But back to Fruitcake--it has become customary to make jokes about unwanted fruitcakes, but small quantities are quite nice.

If anybody really wanted to launch a food fight against the United States, though, I would recommend oranges. Of all the fruit that strike terror into the hearts of customs and excise agents, citrus fruit are the most terrible. For some reason they are worried that the importation of a Florida orange into Maine or Idaho is going to wipe out the Florida orange crop, which is ironic, since the Florida orange crop is largely sold to Canada.

Lob tangarines over the border between the two countries and you could bring the Yankees to their quivering knees.

We surrender! We surrender! Please don't bring out the grapefruits! Maybe that is how Fidel Castro has managed to survive for forty years: he must have a huge stock-pile of kumquats and tangelos.

 

[Anonymous]

<<< the Canadian Government gets its x-ray machines but they bought some second hand submarines from the UK which proved to be a bit soggier than a plum pudding and about as easy to steer--I am not joking: they had to fix a leak in one of them using yoghurt tubs and chewing gum. >>>

Yeah, we have a beef with you, our British allies and cousins: how could you have sold us that garbage? My uneducated guess is that someone in the Canadian Navy had their eyes pasted on something else when inspecting those bargain-priced subs. Should have bought those rusty Russian nuke subs that go down even when towed in still weather: "get a dozen for the price of one". On a sinister note, my uncle served on nuclear subs in the Northern Fleet for 17 years and now says he's not afraid of anything anymore.

As to the Mir station, kick it as you like, littleblackduck, it neverthless served as the only lifeline for some international and NASA programs, didn't it?

<<< The Canadian armed forces differ from the Russian forces primarily by having higher morale. >>>

No, higher wages. Canadian soldiers don't need to loot where they serve (yet). And they probably don't sell their weapons and ammunitions to the US GIs, as the Russians did in Afghanistan and Chechnya.

<<< Of all the fruit that strike terror into the hearts of customs and excise agents, citrus fruit are the most terrible. >>>

A friend of mine had two cases of US-grown apples seized at the border by alert customs officers when crossing back from Washington into BC - must have saved a chunky bit of Canadian economy.

 

[OneWingedBird]

'Cheeses' meaning real cheeses or something else (like buns and 'buns')?

Real cheeses. Particularly the Oud (literally 'old') which is super mature, super hard, super tasty and according to my then flatmate, very smelly...

 

[Mike_Pratt33]

Re: Gouda

I just recalled that on several historical occasions, cheeses have been used as cannon balls--Gouda works best because they are roundest but I can imagine Parmesian being deadly (Rocquefort might be pretty deadly as well, come to think of it).

If you want to do serious damage with a cheese I would recommend Mimolette. Its round like Gouda but much much harder. Also if by any chance you wanted to eat it it tastes very nice too.