Funny And/Or Weird Happenings Whilst Drunk (Stoned; Tripping; Etc.)

[Sgt Girth]

Or he was roofied!

 

[Who me]

Went out on a Xmas works drink many years ago about 10/15 blokes all sat round a big table.
All having a great time when the smell of human poo started wafting about.everyone saying ugh my god that’s gross who’s farted/crapped them self.When (fred) not real name pipes up it’s alright for you lot I’m sat in it! Sudden mass exodus from Fred and sofa he was sat on.

 

[Spudrick68]

About 25 years ago on a staff do in Blackpool with a bunch of hairy arsed, macho workers drinking beer.

We went into this pub and everyone ordered a beer.

I chuckled to myself as, having been served by a bloke in tiny cut off jean shorts and a crop top, I kind of knew the type of establishment we were drinking in.

It was really funny watching them all sit down with their beer, as the penny slowly dropped. "Has anyone else noticed there are no females in 'ere?". "Now you mention it, yea." "Fuckin' 'ell, drink up quick."

It was like a Peter Kay sketch. I found it really funny 'cos it didn't bother me but it bothered most of the mightily.

 

[Impybat]

Keep up these stories!

I have had to give up drinking because of some weird allergy to alcohol that's been triggered, meaning I now get crushing, day-wasting migraines after the smallest sip, and these stories are helping me to keep to it.

I have NEVER, even at my most drunken, lost time or memory. Which means I can always remember the awful, stupid and cringeworthy things I did, so maybe giving up is all for the best!

Beer makes me sneeze! Didn't stop me from drinking like a fish through college but now it triggers my poor gall bladder

 

[IbisNibs]

Gall bladders are just too sensitive!

 

[Impybat]

Gall bladders are just too sensitive!

Mine has taken the fun out of everything! I do have an obligatory weird/funny thing that happened while drunk. Back in college my friends and I frequented a Chinese restaurant/lounge with a DJ that played 90's house jams. One night I stupidly didn't wear my glasses out of pure vanity and I didn't have any contact lenses (who knows why but it was likely out of my poor planning/general irresponsibility at the time.)

I was a few Molson Ices in (please don't judge my terrible palate) when I discovered that a lady whom I thought was a friend of mine was seated a few tables away. In my tipsy state and nearsightedness I wandered over to her table and loudly struck up a conversation. By then I was close enough to see that it was NOT my friend at all, but someone else altogether that did not resemble my actual friend aside from their long hair. I laughed and excused myself while the group was not amused at all.

 

[IbisNibs]

Oh, youth! What a splendid time of life!

 

[Trevp666]

"Youth is wasted on the young"

 

[Swifty]

Mine has taken the fun out of everything! I do have an obligatory weird/funny thing that happened while drunk. Back in college my friends and I frequented a Chinese restaurant/lounge with a DJ that played 90's house jams. One night I stupidly didn't wear my glasses out of pure vanity and I didn't have any contact lenses (who knows why but it was likely out of my poor planning/general irresponsibility at the time.)

I was a few Molson Ices in (please don't judge my terrible palate) when I discovered that a lady whom I thought was a friend of mine was seated a few tables away. In my tipsy state and nearsightedness I wandered over to her table and loudly struck up a conversation. By then I was close enough to see that it was NOT my friend at all, but someone else altogether that did not resemble my actual friend aside from their long hair. I laughed and excused myself while the group was not amused at all.

My old flatmate did something similar in Cromer once. Four of us walked into Gio's bar (since closed down) one Friday night and already half cut when he spied our good mate Jenny standing at the bar. Jenny was always game for a laugh so he walked up behind her, bent her over the bar and pretended to 'air bum' her. It wasn't Jenny. It was some tourist's wife with her husband too stunned to speak. I was waiting for the fight to start but my flat mate bluffed it by strolling off as if nothing had happened.

 

[IbisNibs]

I'm afraid to ask—what does "air bum" mean?

 

[GNC]

I'm afraid to ask—what does "air bum" mean?

I'll put this in spoilers because it's rude:

Spoiler: Definition...

Mime having anal sex with someone for a "joke", usually without them noticing.

 

[JamesWhitehead]

So, this airbnb thing is an air bum and blow?

Asking for a friend . . .

 

[GNC]

So, this airbnb thing is an air bum and blow?

Asking for a friend . . .

Some things you have to find out for yourself.

 

[Dick Turpin]

I had a mate many years ago who we used to call Dalston Jon. Sadly I haven’t seen Jon for almost 30 years, but we had a right old laugh in our early 20’s mainly because of the stunts Jon used to pull when he’d had a few.

One Saturday night after an all-day session, we staggered back to Jon’s flat with a Doner kebab each to watch Match of the Day. No sooner as I sat down in an armchair in Jon’s living room I dozed off asleep, only to wake up at 10am the next day with a raging thirst and a headache. Quick cup of tea and I asked Jon to call me a mini cab – I only lived a 20 minute walk from his flat but due to my hangover didn’t fancy the walk.

The cab duly arrived and took me back home, but when I took my wallet out to pay the driver, I discovered that while asleep Jon had put Kebab meat, chili sauce and salad in every pouch of my wallet – at the time I had one of those old fashioned concertina wallets.

The fare was only something like £3.50, but I gave the cabbie a £20 note and told him to keep the change.

 

[Themis]

Went out on a Xmas works drink many years ago about 10/15 blokes all sat round a big table.
All having a great time when the smell of human poo started wafting about.everyone saying ugh my god that’s gross who’s farted/crapped them self.When (fred) not real name pipes up it’s alright for you lot I’m sat in it! Sudden mass exodus from Fred and sofa he was sat on.

I was going to post a similar experience! Well, until the punchline. I was out with a mixed group, nearing the end of a long pub crawl. As one does, we ended up in a Wetherspoons and were drinking and chatting away when there was this sudden waft of something utterly vile. One of our number looked guilty and said, "Yeah, sorry, that was me", but then immediately was like, "Wait... THAT wasn't me". Turns out some pipes had backed up and there was sewage pumping up through the toilets. Pub evacuated. Perfect timing though.

 

[Spudrick68]

My wife knows a woman who literally shit herself while on a plane. I really felt sorry for who was sitting next to her. Mind you my wife apparently nearly did on a return flight from Munich. She had been on girls trip to Octoberfest and made the mistake of having a Curry wurst before she boarded.

 

[Dick Turpin]

My wife knows a woman who literally shit herself while on a plane. I really felt sorry for who was sitting next to her. Mind you my wife apparently nearly did on a return flight from Munich. She had been on girls trip to Octoberfest and made the mistake of having a Curry wurst before she boarded.

Ha ha. Spud.

That reminds me that back in February 2020, and the night before good mate of mine was flying back to Singapore, we went on a massive pub crawl. We knew that because of the impending COVID crises it would be sometime before he would be able to come back to the UK, so we decided to ramp it up more than usual.

God knows why he agreed to a late night curry, especially with a 14 hour flight the next morning – well actually I do know why, it was down to 9 pints of London pride, half a bottle of red wine, followed by 4 or 5 large ports.

He emailed me a few days later describing the sheer agony he felt for the full 14 hours. Even his wife and kids asked the cabin crew if they could be seated elsewhere on the plane.

I spoke to his wife via zoom a few weeks later, and although she said she could see the funny side now, she said the noise and smell was simply horrendous, and she’d never been so embarrassed in her entire life.

 

[escargot]

Ha ha. Spud.

That reminds me that back in February 2020, and the night before good mate of mine was flying back to Singapore, we went on a massive pub crawl. We knew that because of the impending COVID crises it would be sometime before he would be able to come back to the UK, so we decided to ramp it up more than usual.

God knows why he agreed to a late night curry, especially with a 14 hour flight the next morning – well actually I do know why, it was down to 9 pints of London pride, half a bottle of red wine, followed by 4 or 5 large ports.

He emailed me a few days later describing the sheer agony he felt for the full 14 hours. Even his wife and kids asked the cabin crew if they could be seated elsewhere on the plane.

I spoke to his wife via zoom a few weeks later, and although she said she could see the funny side now, she said the noise and smell was simply horrendous, and she’d never been so embarrassed in her entire life.

So had the curry actually taken up a seat, or was it only crying for help?

 

[Dick Turpin]

So had the curry actually taken up a seat, or was it only crying for help?

I did ask him that scargy, it was the obvious question, but he managed to keep himself together, so I guess it was only crying out for help

 

[bugmum]

Ha ha. Spud.

That reminds me that back in February 2020, and the night before good mate of mine was flying back to Singapore, we went on a massive pub crawl. We knew that because of the impending COVID crises it would be sometime before he would be able to come back to the UK, so we decided to ramp it up more than usual.

God knows why he agreed to a late night curry, especially with a 14 hour flight the next morning – well actually I do know why, it was down to 9 pints of London pride, half a bottle of red wine, followed by 4 or 5 large ports.

He emailed me a few days later describing the sheer agony he felt for the full 14 hours. Even his wife and kids asked the cabin crew if they could be seated elsewhere on the plane.

I spoke to his wife via zoom a few weeks later, and although she said she could see the funny side now, she said the noise and smell was simply horrendous, and she’d never been so embarrassed in her entire life.

Reminds me of being on conference in Edinburgh, and one evening we went for Mexican. Bearing in mind that I tend towards relatively bland food, being married to an IBS sufferer, you can imagine thee misery I was in the following afternoon, hunched up in a seat in a lecture hall for an hour whilst my abdomen merrily gurgled and rumbled with excess gas. It was a blessed relief when I could finally escape to the loo at the end of the talk!

 

[Mr. Banooka]

The year, 2000; The location, Deansgate Lock, Manchester; The bar, Loaf; Drink of the night, Vodka Redbull with Champagne chasers.

We were out celebrating our company being floated on the stock exchange. As you can imagine it all got a bit messy. At some point in the evening I was wandering around the bar with a glass in one hand and a bottle of champagne in the other. I have no recollection, but I apparently dropped my glass. The bouncers took one look at my inebriated state and threw me out through the back door. I somehow made my way back round to the entrance and tried to get back in. No amount of protesting from myself or my colleagues could get me back in. I remember saying bye to one of my colleagues and the next thing I knew I was waking up lay down in a puddle of water on a grass verge next to what looked like an old pump. It was 4am. Nobody was in sight.

I checked for my money, gone; checked for my bank card, still there; checked for my phone, gone; watch, still there. Dammit, I’d been robbed. I didn’t remember being mugged, so I have no idea where my money and phone had gone. I decide that my best bet is to find a cash machine then catch a cab home.

As I’m walking up Deansgate looking for a cash machine I realise that my feet are really hurting me. I put it down to being on my feet all night and continue on my search. But my feet are getting worse and worse all the time. Eventually I stop and look down at my feet.

My shoes!!! Where are my shoes? Not only had my phone and cash been stolen, but my shoes as well.

I eventually got my cab home and called my boss to tell him I was safe and what had happened. When he finally stopped pissing himself laughing, he thanked me for letting him know I was safe. I was mortified.

Until the next morning. I just couldn’t stop laughing about it.

The day after I was flying out to Provo, Utah for some IT Training. So it wasn’t until I got back that I found out that my boss had been telling everyone that I had woken up in Canal Street with my trousers around my ankles.

It still gives me a giggle to this day.

 

[GingerTabby]

Some years ago a friend was walking home from a nightclub whilst highly inebriated. It was a warm summer night and his route took him past the well-manicured grounds of a public building. My friend felt compelled to stop and he almost immediately passed out on the lawn. He regained his senses just a few hours later at sunrise and found himself face down in the grass. When he looked up he discovered several small signs posted in the lawn warning passersby to keep off the grass because it had recently been treated with pesticides. He managed to get up and find his way home but for the next several days he was on edge with worry that he might have ingested toxic substances. As far as I know, he suffered no negative effects. My friend has a knack for getting into these types of situations.

 

[Dick Turpin]

Some years ago a friend was walking home from a nightclub whilst highly inebriated. It was a warm summer night and his route took him past the well-manicured grounds of a public building. My friend felt compelled to stop and he almost immediately passed out on the lawn. He regained his senses just a few hours later at sunrise and found himself face down in the grass. When he looked up he discovered several small signs posted in the lawn warning passersby to keep off the grass because it had recently been treated with pesticides. He managed to get up and find his way home but for the next several days he was on edge with worry that he might have ingested toxic substances. As far as I know, he suffered no negative effects. My friend has a knack for getting into these types of situations.

I guess we all know at least one person like that Ginger.

A good friend of mine is simply terrible in getting himself into scrapes whilst drunk. He’s quite a short guy so perhaps his body processes alcohol differently to that of taller people..??

Anyway some years ago late at night, he was going back home after quite a long evening session in the pub, and fell into the gap between the train and the platform at Blackheath (I think) train station.

Being only 5ft 2, he couldn’t lever himself upwards, and was stuck. He heard that beeping noise that tells you that the doors are closing, and then heard that whirring sound the train makes when about to move off. Although drunk he wasn’t drunk enough to realise what trouble he was in, and in all probability this would be the end of his life.

Suddenly he heard a loud shout and then felt two hands grab his armpits to lift him out of the situation in the nick of time

He was very very lucky, a few seconds later and he would have been a gonner.

 

[Spudrick68]

I saw that happen to a bloke on Arnhem train station in the Netherlands a long long time ago. He was one part of a lovely couple we met boarding the train.

He stepped on to the train with his backpack on and disappeared up to his waist as he fell between the train and the platform. Fortunately he was hauled up before the train set off.

 

[Nosmo King]

I saw that happen to a bloke on Arnhem train station in the Netherlands a long long time ago. He was one part of a lovely couple we met boarding the train.

He stepped on to the train with his backpack on and disappeared up to his waist as he fell between the train and the platform. Fortunately he was hauled up before the train set off.

And everyone mocks the 'mind the gap' announcment on the tube

 

[Trevp666]

the 'mind the gap' announcment on the tube

I recently watched a lovely film about the announcement and how it has had to be re-recorded over time, but one of the oldest recordings was still in use at one particular underground station. This recording was originally made by a chap who had passed away some time ago and in the film they took his widow to the tube station (she was also very old) so that she could hear his voice again.

 

[Mythopoeika]

And everyone mocks the 'mind the gap' announcment on the tube

Usually because of the strange pronunciation.
'Mind-a the gap' or something like that.

 

[Floyd]

I hesitate to recount this tale as I do not wish to propagate the truth myth that all British are drunks, but it was a long time ago now;
I had fallen asleep in the early hours at a bus-stop at the bottom of a mountain in Israel. One of those ones with a lay-by for the bus to pull into. I was using the curb as a pillow (Israeli curbs are suprisingly comfortable unlike British ones). Next thing I am having my eyeballs burned out by the halogen headlights of a car for about a minute. I was told the next day, that some Bedouin guys returning from wherever, who lived in the village next to where I was trying to get to, had seen me, but were unsure as to whether I had been attacked (and maybe the attacker was waiting to strike again) or whether a wild animal had got me- hence the wait to weigh up the situation. They threw me in their car, took me up the mountain, threw me out and drove off. Wonderful, wonderful people who I'll never forget.

 

[PeteByrdie]

I had fallen asleep in the early hours at a bus-stop at the bottom of a mountain in Israel.

This is the best beginning to a story I've read for a long time.

 

[escargot]

The year, 2000; The location, Deansgate Lock, Manchester; The bar, Loaf; Drink of the night, Vodka Redbull with Champagne chasers.

We were out celebrating our company being floated on the stock exchange. As you can imagine it all got a bit messy. At some point in the evening I was wandering around the bar with a glass in one hand and a bottle of champagne in the other. I have no recollection, but I apparently dropped my glass. The bouncers took one look at my inebriated state and threw me out through the back door. I somehow made my way back round to the entrance and tried to get back in. No amount of protesting from myself or my colleagues could get me back in. I remember saying bye to one of my colleagues and the next thing I knew I was waking up lay down in a puddle of water on a grass verge next to what looked like an old pump. It was 4am. Nobody was in sight.

I checked for my money, gone; checked for my bank card, still there; checked for my phone, gone; watch, still there. Dammit, I’d been robbed. I didn’t remember being mugged, so I have no idea where my money and phone had gone. I decide that my best bet is to find a cash machine then catch a cab home.

As I’m walking up Deansgate looking for a cash machine I realise that my feet are really hurting me. I put it down to being on my feet all night and continue on my search. But my feet are getting worse and worse all the time. Eventually I stop and look down at my feet.

My shoes!!! Where are my shoes? Not only had my phone and cash been stolen, but my shoes as well.

I eventually got my cab home and called my boss to tell him I was safe and what had happened. When he finally stopped pissing himself laughing, he thanked me for letting him know I was safe. I was mortified.

Until the next morning. I just couldn’t stop laughing about it.

The day after I was flying out to Provo, Utah for some IT Training. So it wasn’t until I got back that I found out that my boss had been telling everyone that I had woken up in Canal Street with my trousers around my ankles.

It still gives me a giggle to this day.

You were lucky really. A few years later and Reynhard Sinaga might've been on the prowl.