Ghostly Jokes?

[AmStramGram]

Did a ghost or poltergeist (or your own weird beliefs) ever played any prank or joke on you ? Or did you ever trick a ghost ? Please share your stories.

Here is mine. It could have been a pure coincidence, but it could have been a poltergeist thing too ... So I'll share it below.

About 15 years ago, I was touring around Edinburgh. And since I loved ghost stories, I joined a "ghost tour" to hear some. At first, it also seemed to be a lively and original way to discover the city's history. But as the tour unfolded, we were taken to the Greyfriars cemetary, and the "informative" tour started to turn really silly, with paid actors suddenly jumping on unwary tourists to scare the hell out of them (with no results - what a shame). It was rather a disappointment. And then, the epitome of the tour : we were taken into a closed vault (the Black Mausoleum, if my memory is correct) and told some more boring stories, the guide warning us that we may be physically attacked by the resident poltergeist. Of course, nothing happened. It was just a dark and cold place.

After that, we thanked the guide, and everybody left. I quietly walked back to my hotel, in the old town (I think it was the Holyday Inn) to enjoy a good night of sleep, thinking that all this poletergeist thing was really a crappy story cunningly made up to make money out of nothingness, in a brilliant act of modern alchemy.

My room was a large one. The toilets looked strange to me ... It was the first time I was given a disabled person's room. They probably did not have any standard rooms left. Whatever, after washing my teeth I went to bed to enjoy a well-deserved rest.

However, I had confusing and stressful dreams (whose content I do not remember) and woke up with the sensation that something was going wrong, although I could not tell what. Everything was quiet in the room. It was 2 or 3 in the morning. I thought : "Oh, I had a bad dream ... Let's go back to sleep". But as I was closing my eyes, all the fire alarms of the hotel started to yell all over the place.

"Holy sh*t !". I rose up and went into the corridor to ask my neighbours what was going on. Nobody knew. And there came the hotel night manager, walking straight towards my room. With a stern face, he asked me : "Did you smoke in your room ?". I didn't. I never smoked a cigarette in my life, and did not wait for a scottish trip to experiment with a new vice. A dram of malt whisky was exotic enough for me. So I denied smoking. But he didn't believe me and insisted on checking my room. "The alarm started in your room", said he.

Of course, there was nothing in my room. No smoke, nor fire. The guy was disappointed not to have found his ideal culprit. As the alarms were still sounding like the trumpets of Jericho, we were all asked to leave the place and wait in the street until the situation settled. And so, a horde of tourist in night gowns gathered in the street. That's how I ended waiting for 15 minutes outside in my uggly pyjamas, in the cold hours of the early morning, under an unnerving drizzle.

We never knew what spurred the alarm in my room. Obviously, it wasn't me, as I was immobile in my bed when it started. So I wondered ... Could it have been the revenge of an undead from Greyfriars, for having encroached on his last residence with a group of dumbos ? A few years later, I heard that Jan Henderson, the writer and founder of one the ghost tours which had focused on the Black Mausoleum lost his house and papers to a fire, and suggested it was a kind of poltergeist revenge. So I wonder ... Of course, the most rational explanation was that I simply was at the wrong place, at the wrong moment. But as we never identified the cause of the incident, I like to think that, perhaps, for "going after the ghost", the ghost came to me and played a little trick on me (and my unsuspecting neighbours).

Later on I came back to Edinburgh and took another ghost tour, a much more informative one as it was led by an history student, who was obviously annoyed to play the ghostliest parts of her script ... I would still recommend any tourist to take one of these tours, as some are quite refreshing. It's a worthwile experience. And the British people are really the best I have seen at leading informative and humourous ghost tours (reminder : I am an horrible Frenchman).

Now I look forward hearing about your ghostly jokes ...

 

[SimonBurchell]

Well, I originally posted this on the Anyone seen a ghost thread back in 2003

More recently, maybe two years ago, I went to Methven's Booksellers in Woking, just browsing. I went upstairs and wanted to go down a narrow, dead-end aisle between a table piled with books and some bookshelves to look at the end section, but there was a lady down there looking at the books, so I stopped by the entrance to the aisle and looked at some other books while I waited for her to leave. I could see her out of the corner of my eye, flicking through a book. After waiting a while I got bored and decided to go down the aisle anyway...I looked up and no-one was there. The aisle was too narrow for her to have passed me without asking permission. I was, to say the least, very surprised. I looked through the whole upstairs section and she wasn't there, and I hadn't heard anyone go downstairs. She just looked like a normal lady, except (and I only realised this afterwards) that she had been wearing a heavy overcoat and a scarf, on a hot summer's day.

This lady seemed to be, in retrospect, deliberately blocking the aisle so I couldn't get to the section I wanted to browse, so perhaps a bit of supernatural mischief involved there. I could see her until I turned around to ask her permission to go by.

 

[escargot]

When working in care homes (mainly looking after elderly people with poor health or dementia) I noticed apparently minor supernatural-type activity after a resident had died. Often the call bell rang in the room as if the resident were still there.

I saw this done after the peaceful death of a much-loved resident in a country manor-type care home.

A light would go on and the buzzer sounded on a display board showing which resident was calling, and it'd be that room.
A couple of us'd go charging up there and of course find nobody present.
The door was locked so no residents were nipping in to pull our legs and the staff were accounted for.

This happened on and off for a while, until the room was occupied again. I found it hilarious but some staff were unnerved.
Looked ilke a prank to me!

 

[AmStramGram]

When working in care homes (mainly looking after elderly people with poor health or dementia)

Out of the topic : Escargot, allow me to (virtually) kowtow in front of you as a demonstration of respect for what you did. Taking care of the elderly is a most honourable job. In France, it is a big issue right now, because the general population is ageing, and yet, we don't have enough care homes to accomodate everyone. The care homes we do have are usually over-expensive, and there have been many scandals about mistreated elders recently. It's a shame.

 

[escargot]

Out of the topic : Escargot, allow me to (virtually) kowtow in front of you as a demonstration of respect for what you did. Taking care of the elderly is a most honourable job. In France, it is a big issue right now, because the general population is ageing, and yet, we don't have enough care homes to accomodate everyone. The care homes we do have are usually over-expensive, and there have been many scandals about mistreated elders recently. It's a shame.

How very kind, thank you!
When I did that type of work I came across lots of weirdness and ghost stories which I eagerly shared on here for all to enjoy.

The care home/care for the elderly situation is also poor here, and getting worse.

 

[AmStramGram]

Another story : it did not happen to me but to my maternal grandmother.

When my grandmother retired from office, she bought a fairly large home in the French Alps, in order to get closer to her family, who was from the area. I used to spend part of my holydays there as a youngster, and unfortunately, I must have been a sissy, for I felt especially unconfortable in one of the rooms of this house. I used to ask my grandmother if there was any ghost there, and she would laugh ... Of course not. The house was almost a new one, and the former occupants were still alive and well. So, how could there be any ghost or hostile presence there ? So I had to overcome my fear, and leave the curtains half opened, in order to sleep in this unwelcoming room ... After growing up, I had to admit that my imagination, and fear of the dark, was the culprit hiding behind this childish fears.

However, something unexpected and rather funny happened in this very room decades later. What follows, may teach us an original but effective method of exorcism, by the way :

One night, my grandmother was struggling to fall asleep because her husband was snoring heavily. Much irritated by his noisy breathing, she ended up changing rooms. She rose, went to the neighbouring "haunted" room, and got into the empty bed, at last finding a semblance of peace and rest. However, after a while, the door slowly opened, and a nude and "hairy" man (that's how my grandma described the intruder) entered the room to creep into the bed. Sorry if it looks like a bad episode of "American Horror Story I" ...

At that time, my grandparents did not have any guests. They were all alone with their dog, a large "montagne des Pyrénées" shepherd, who did not have the right to sleep upstairs. So nobody was expected. My half asleep grandma thus thought that it was my grandfather coming after her, to inflict more snores upon her, and unable to cope with this trial, she angrily shouted something like "Oh no ! Enough ! Leave at once !".

The "hairy" apparition, somewhat confused and embarrassed immediately obeyed, and left without a word.

And then my grandmother realized that she could hear my grandfather snoring peacefully in the neighbouring room. He hadn't left it. So who was the hairy man ? The old lady remained flabbergasted for a good while ... The following day, she gave me a call and told me her story : "You know the room you thought was haunted when you were young ? It may indeed have been".

I admit that she may have dreamt the whole story, but I found it humourous enough to share it. And if the room was indeed "haunted" (which I honestly doubt), it shows that a decided grandma can scare a ghost away more swiftly that a professional exorcist !

 

[AmStramGram]

I would like to share a funny poltergeist story I once read in a Chinese book. I cannot remember if it was in Pu Songling's short stories ("Liaozhai zhiyi") or in Ji Yun's "notes". Both are Qing dynasty authors (1644-1911). The first is clearly a fiction writer who specialized in ghost stories, which was quite deviant at the time, since the Confucean morals were strongly against speaking of ghosts. The second was a witty minister, who delighted in his spare time in taking "notes" about weird phenomena and strange local events he or his friends witnessed. For those interested in Chinese forteana, I highly recommend Ji Yun's "Yuewei caotang biji" ("Subtle Cottage Notes").

Here is the summary of this remarkable story :

In the 17th or 18th century, in an unspecified town, once lived a rich family. They resided in an extensive private residence built in the Chinese style, that is : with several rows of inner courtyards surrounded by low buildings with curved roofs.

Although the text does not explain how the phenomenon started, this palace got haunted by an invisible spirit with strong poltergeist characteristics. Tiles and fecal matter flew through the air. Sudden bangs and explosions errupted day and night, and very soon, most of the family members and servants sought refuge outside to escape the ordeal. Local exorcists were called in, not to avail. All seemed lost. The mansion became locally known as the house of horror ...

A local litterati, who had heard from the case nonetheless wanted to visit the place. Despite the warnings of his friends and neighbours, he thus entered the majestuous portal of the house. Soon enough, he was welcomed by a rain of shit coming out from nowhere, fecal matter materializing into mid-air to fall upon his shoulders.

Yet, the young man did not flinch. Instead, he exploded into a loud laughter, and he shouted : "Ha ! ha ! That's impressive, but not too scary. I would be much more fearful if you had showered me with a rain of golden coins !"

The fecal rain stopped. And after a short moment, coins started to materialize into the air and to fall on the ground.

The young litterati quietly collected them and when he got enough, he again shouted : "Ah ! Thank you very much. That's exactly what I wanted. You made my day, chap !" and left away.

After this intervention, the poltergeist phenomenon abruptly stopped and the mansion residents came back to their dwellings, never to be bothered again by paranormal attacks.

*** End ***

Although it isn't an IHTM story, I wanted to share this humourous tale as it illustrates :
(1) that the poltergeist phenomemon was also known and documented (whether in fiction or second hand reports) in ancient China.
(2) that tricking the trickster was deemed as an efficient way to get rid of it, which is somewhat reminiscent of our medieval tales about people "cheating the devil" after a pact.

 

[AmStramGram]

Retelling this Chinese tale about cheating a poltergeist reminded me of another one, read in a compilation of Chinese old stories translated into French by sinologist Jacques Dars ("Aux portes de l'enfer : récits fantastiques de la Chine ancienne"). Unfortunately, I do not know what was the Chinese source of this one, but here it goes :

"The man who sold a ghost"

Once a man was travelling alone in the Chinese countryside. The night was falling and he hurried up towards the nearest town in order to avoid the notorious bandits and wild beasts which haunted the area. Seeing someone walking the path far away ahead of him, he sped up to walk along the other solitary soul. Travelling in a group was always better than walking alone !

Alas, when he met the other man, he noticed several weirdnesses about him. First of all, the guy did not really walk. He seemed to glide over the ground. And there was a grim, grey tone to his skin. The poor traveller soon suspected that his fellow was ghost. Yet they kept chatting. And soon he realized that the strange guy took him for a ghost as well. So he pretended to be one, in order to avoid any bad surprise.

After a while, he was getting tired of walking, so he made this suggestion to the ghost : "Hey, why walk together when only one has to ? Let's take turns : you will travel on my shoulders for five miles, and I will travel on yours for the next five miles. It will be more convenient !"

"OK. Let's do that".

The ghost climbed on the traveller's shoulders, and they advanced for about five miles. Needless to say, the spirit was light as a feather, so it was rather easy to transport it on one's back. Things were different when the two fellows changed positions. The ghost soon groaned : "Ouch ! How come you are so heavy, man" ?

"That's because I am just recently departed, so I am still heavy ... By the way, I do not know much about being a ghost. What are the dos and don'ts ?"

"Oh there's not much to know actually ... Oh, yes. You must avoid human spit".

"What do you mean ?"

"Well, as a ghost, you can change your appearance at will. You can become invisible, turn into an animal, and so on. But, on no account you should let human spit touch you. For if you do, you won't be able to change back to your original shape."

"Indeed. That's an issue. Thanks for sharing, pal. But let's stop here for a while ... Thinking about it. I really don't see how I could change my shape at will. I must be slow minded because of my recent death ... You know, that was so painful ... Anyway. Perhaps you should demonstrate a little bit ? Let's say : could you show me how you would transform into a goat ?"

"Yep ! Very easy. Look carefully".

And in a matter of seconds, the ghost had turned into a goat !

Immediately, the lone traveller spat on the animal, thus preventing him to come back to his original shape, seized it firmly and took him on his back to the town.

As it was market day there, he sold the goat to a butcher, took the money and left.

*** end ***

OK. This one was a rather immoral one, but fun nonetheless. Isn't it ?

 

[BS3]

I have one story of this kind.

I once knew someone who went to stay at a hotel in the country in Devon (can't remember where exactly, unfortunately). The building was reputedly haunted, though this wasn't anything to do with why they'd chosen to stay there.

When they came back they told me that they had actually felt a 'presence' in their room and had, moreover, seen furniture moving. As my friend wasn't someone who had previously experienced this sort of thing, I asked them if they'd felt at all frightened by the experience. They said no as there was an overwhelming sensation that whatever-it-was was just having a bit of fun - a bit of mild ghostly teasing.