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How I Would Like My Own Funeral

Although the New Orleans jazz funeral appeals - "Live and Let Die" was my favourite Bond film - I'm also of the 'wicker coffin in a woodland cemetery' opinion.

Music-wise, I have a hankering for "Old and Wise" by the Alan Parsons Project.
 
I delude myself that my death will be something like Enya's video for Caribbean Blue:


In fact, it'll probably take place in a blood- and piss-stained NHS A&E unit, as a fourteen-year-old Ghanaian trainee doctor pounds my chest until my ribs splinter under fluorescent lights at 0330 on a wet February morning.

To make up for this I want a blub-inducing music selection during the ceremony. My current faves are Loreena McKennitt's live version of The Parting Glass:


...
followed by Annie Lennox singing Into the West:


Then, after having dissolved the assembled two or three people impatiently waiting for the next cremation, I'll subvert the proceeding with my PSU's old marching song:


Leave 'em laughing!

maximus otter
More along these lines ....

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I was much taken with the account of Agnes Nutter (Good Omens) who was burned at the stake, having concealed 80 pounds of gunpowder and 40 pounds of roofing nails in her petticoats. No-one alive within a mile and a half radius of the pyre. This may cause a bit of a kerfuffle at the Garston Crematorium though.
 
I’ve said I want a purple cardboard coffin, and non religious ceremony (cos I can’t imagine they’ll manage to find a Priestess of Athena in South Wales)… and cremation. I used to have dreams of being buried alive, and … no thanks! I’ve also said I want everyone in unrelieved black, and anyone who doesn’t weep and wail WILL be haunted later. Honestly though, whatever makes those I leave behind happy. If a bit of Christian stuff soothes their mourning, then they can knock themselves out. I’ll be long gone. We used to have an amazing vicar in our local village. If he was still on the job, as it were, he’d be my first choice for anyone’s leaving do. Top bloke, ex army chaplain. Great company, and had the aura of being a good guy, even if there were a number of things we disagreed on.

All my plans aside, me and youngest stepson (he was about 17 at the time) were out in the car one day and had to wait for a horse drawn hearse to pass by. I turned to Mini-Migs and said “Since you’ll be the one who gets to arrange my funeral, take note, that’s what I want…” he looked at me and said “Nah, already planned it. You’re being fly tipped at [local spot infamous for fly tipping]”. I THINK he was kidding!!
 
A relation died last week who wanted as little funereal pomp as possible. This will be achieved with a Direct Cremation.
The Departed will receive the usual care from the undertaker, who instead of arranging a funeral, packs them off to the Crematorium in short order. No prayers or hymns, no speeches.

This is what I want for myself. :cool:
 
As funerals are only really for those that are left I think it would be a good idea for someone to remind any that care what a pain in the backside I was. That way they should all leave feeling better. :wink2:
 
As funerals are only really for those that are left I think it would be a good idea for someone to remind any that care what a pain in the backside I was. That way they should all leave feeling better. :wink2:
I will one day need to a attend a funeral for the reincarnation of Mr Norman Stanley Fletcher himself.

Looking forward to THAT eulogy. :chuckle:
 
Disappointed that you didn't live in Neolithic times and have an opportunity to be buried in a long barrow ?

Well, several groups have just the thing for you - new 'long barrows' in the Neolithic tradition, and they are open now for commercial burials.

Here are three examples.

https://www.architectural-review.co...barrow-by-sacred-stones-and-greenstone-design

https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-wiltshire-30561671

https://www.kentonline.co.uk/gravesend/news/the-uks-newest-neolithic-site-unveiled-264722/


I can understand the appeal, although I'd still prefer cryogenic preservation myself.
 
When I die I want to be forgotten about ASAP. Anyone who wants to make a fuss can do so now while I'm here.

I like cider, Bounty bars and Snickers, all types of fruit, scented flowers (supermarket carnations will do) and brightly-coloured socks, in case you're wondering. :D

Or donations to cat rescue charities would be nice.
You asked for brightly coloured socks, mi'Lady?


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My terminally ill mother hasn't said anything about her funeral but she says she wants an early 'wake', in other words she wants to gather everyone round for food and drinks while she's still here to enjoy it. I don't know how common that is.
 
My terminally ill mother hasn't said anything about her funeral but she says she wants an early 'wake', in other words she wants to gather everyone round for food and drinks while she's still here to enjoy it. I don't know how common that is.
Sounds like a great idea.
 
This thread reminds me of the old Tombstone Pizza commercials
 
Sounds like a great idea.
A friend of mine called funerals theatres for the living, and the dead are the stars of the show but should give the public what they want. That's why I don't much care what happens at my funeral; it's not for my benefit anyway. I think mum's the same. She just cares about what happens while she's here.
 
Following the You Tube creator Caitlin Doherty (Ask A Mortician), both my wife and I were comfortable discussing our deaths, especially after the death of my adult son last year.
For a start, I did my own Will - easy enough, as I've got bugger all and now fewer blood relations. My missus - having a more complex family is getting hers written professionally.
Next, we both wrote out our funeral wishes. It's not enough telling your spouse - there's always someone who complains that "you don't know that was what they intended".
Finally, we both created an In Case of Emergency document. In a large envelope, we've placed instructions on what to do, who to inform, details of insurance, pensions etc. etc. when one of us dies. We both accept that in such a harrowing situation, it's difficult to concentrate on the ... er ... administrative details that are needed to complete as soon as possible. Effectively, we've done a checklist so the survivor has reduced unecessary stress and attention to bureacracy.

As far as my death is concerned, I'm being buried in 'naked earth' i.e. no casket, embalming etc., in a foetal position so that my face is to the East. A brief speech from my wife, saying not how great I was (I'm not) but how much she thought of me - far more important.
Then back to my local for a wake, with one insistance; that my tankard is filled with mead and placed in a prominent position - that's my 'portion', see? I've said that afterlife or not, for a pint of mead I'll at least stop by for the one.
 
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