Humour & Jokes

Do you have a GSOH?

  • Yes

    Votes: 34 46.6%
  • Sometimes

    Votes: 13 17.8%
  • No

    Votes: 8 11.0%
  • What's a GSOH?

    Votes: 18 24.7%

  • Total voters
    73
A

Anonymous

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#1
Does David Icke wear beige?

Not so long back it was claimed by a group of scientists that the average colour of the universe was turquoise. Of course this provoked a lot of interest among the Ickeians.

This week, however, it has been revealed that the turquoise was a bit of a cock-up and that the universe is really beige.

How long will it be before David Icke incorporates this into his latest conspiracy theory?

"Clearly the reptiles forced the scientists to change their story, when it became apparent that David had been validated..."
;)
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
#2
Beige

A father is explaining the facts of life to his son. After covering the basic biology, he moves on to the finer points of love-making:"One thing to keep in mind, son, is all different women say different things during the act, even if you're doing the same thing."
"What do you mean, Dad?"

"Well, for example, their words are based on their occupation or preoccupation. A prostitute will tend to say, 'Are you done yet?' A nymphomaniac, on the other hand, will be like, 'Are you done already" if it's not long enough.

"What do other women say?"

"Well, a school teacher will say, 'We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!' A nurse will say, 'This won't hurt one bit.'"

A stewardess will say,'Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.'"

"And what does a mother say?"

"Mothers say, 'Beige... beige... I think we should paint the ceiling beige.'"



:D
 

rynner2

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#4
All the good old threads on this keep evaporating, so I'm adding a pointless poll to try to sticky this one...

For starters, an Irish Joke (at least, I assume it was a tongue-in-cheek joke):-

I was searching Google Maps, and discovered that in Kinsale (on the south coast of Ireland) there is a place called....

Scilly Walk!

[Geographical footnote: The Isles off Scilly, off Cornwall, are SE of Kinsale, and probably one of the closest UK places to that town.]
 

Anome

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#6
Well, I just watched a DVD of Adam Hills (Australian Comedian and TV Show Host) filmed in a hall in Pakenham, Victoria, where it was discovered that there was an adjacent suburb called Pakenham Upper.
 

ArthurASCII

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#7
ArthurASCII said:
On my beat here in sunny Northampton, theres a narrow lane called Danes Back Passage :oops:
** Correction **
Sorry. I must have been full of Christmas spirit when I wrote this post - I got the name wrong.

The name of the footpath is actually,,, Danes Backside.
We also boast a Danes Passage

Listed here
 

stu neville

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#8
Just outside of Weston-Super-Mare there's a village called Uphill. The local horticultural society has, for a few years now, been called... The Uphill Horticultural Society. Prior to this? "The Uphill Gardeners Club".

Similarly, I know a teacher by the name of Mr Hankie. He only got mildly ribbed until South Park came along - imagine walking into a classroom and all the inmates, in unison, bellowing "Howwwwdy-hoooo!". Poor bastard :D.
 

rynner2

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#9
Giant knickers put out house fire

A family home was saved from burning down when a pair of giant knickers were used to put out a fire.
Jenny Marsey's size 18-20 cotton pants were a lifesaver when they were grabbed to cover a frying pan fire at her home in Meryl Gardens, Hartlepool, Teesside.

Her son and nephew were trying to fry some bread when the blaze broke out.

But the quick-thinking pair used the Marks & Spencer underwear from a pile of washing, doused them in water, and threw them over the fire.

Mrs Marsey, 53, said: "My £4.99 parachute knickers have come in handy for something. We've had a good laugh that they were a bit like a fire blanket."

The incident happened on Sunday, while Mrs Marsey was out for the day.

Her son John and his cousin Darren, 23, were cooking, when they went to answer a knock at the door, only to return to a blazing kitchen.

Mrs Marsey said: "When they found the pan on fire they did what most people do and panicked.

"But they found a pair of my knickers in a washing basket and basically used them as a fire blanket to put out the fire."

Mrs Marsey, who is also mother to Sarah, 23, Joanne, 24, and Donna, 27, added: "I think if they had been my daughter Sarah's skimpy knickers they wouldn't have done any good.

"I'm taking it all in my stride and it's quite a funny start to the New Year."

A spokesman for Cleveland Fire Brigade said: "They did the right thing in the end. We advise everyone to get fire safety advice."

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/tees/7167549.stm

:D
 

rynner2

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#10
Urgent inquiry into rail delays

Many people were expected to return to work on Wednesday
An urgent inquiry is to be carried out into engineering work delays which have caused chaos for thousands of people.
The Office of Rail Regulation began the inquiry after West Coast Mainline work overran by two days. Disruption was set to continue on Thursday.

............

Network Rail apologised for the delays and said it was working "flat out" to restore normal services.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/7167073.stm

According to Channel 4 news, this nonsense has earned the company the nick-name

Not Work Rail! :D
 

Peripart

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#13
Stop, please, while I can still breathe!

"Network Rail" is also an anagram of "Lo! Train Wrek", and also of "Workin' later", which could explain the delays.
 

rynner2

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#16
From http://www.worldwidewords.org/nl/jgdq.htm

Deborah Lake wrote ... our local rural Northumberland newspaper has a young reporter who has spent his whole life in London. Telephoned with the information that the Grace Darling Museum at Bamburgh was about to re-open on 18 December after refurbishment, he spent some time wondering why the local population should have a museum devoted to the grey starling.”
 

James_H

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#17
There's a crotch crescent in Oxford.

RE: the original poll. No, I don't.
 

Fizz32

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#18
My favourite place name is Firkin Point, just on the shores of Loch Lomond.

The bloke and I have the inevitable conversation about "FFS, will you get to the Firkin Point?" each time we pass the place.

Himself wanted to take a pic of me with the sign (captioned "At last, Fizz gets to the Firkin Point") when we passed it a couple of days ago, but it was snowing and I'm too nesh.
 

escargot

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#19
There used to be a sign in a hedge in a village near here pointing to the beekeeper's house, saying 'Local Honey'. I used to want to photograph a mate standing next to it, pouting. :lol:
 

rynner2

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#20
I can't often remember jokes, let alone make them up, but I did get a chance at work today.

My young colleague had had an enquiry about charts for Iceland. As geography is not his strong point, he asked me "Where is Iceland?"

I was able to reply "It's opposite Argos!"


..which is true, in our town. 8)
 

rynner2

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#21
Subject: THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
 

GNC

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#22
I have a whole book of those under the title "Murphy's Law" by Arthur Bloch. From the eighties, I think, maybe the seventies.
 

Timble2

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#23
gncxx said:
I have a whole book of those under the title "Murphy's Law" by Arthur Bloch. From the eighties, I think, maybe the seventies.
Murphy's Law and other reasons why things go wrong first published 1977, Magnum edition 1979....there happened to be a copy on my bookself, between Rossum's Universal Robots and The Great Mambo Chicken and the Transhuman Condition

Cole's Law: thinly sliced cabbage in mayonnaise.
 

rynner2

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#24
FRENCH TRADER WAS FORCED TO WORK 30 HOURS A WEEK

FRIENDS of rogue trader Jerome Kerviel last night blamed his $7 billion losses on unbearable levels of stress brought on by a punishing 30 hour week.

Kerviel was known to start work as early as nine in the morning and still be at his desk at five or even five-thirty, often with just an hour and a half for lunch.

One colleague said: "He was, how you say, une workaholique. I have a family and a mistress so I would leave the office at around 2pm at the latest, if I wasn't on strike.

"But Jerome was tied to that desk. One day I came back to the office at 3pm because I had forgotten my stupid little hat, and there he was, fast asleep on the photocopier.

"At first I assumed he had been having sex with it, but then I remembered he'd been working for almost six hours."

As the losses mounted, Kerviel tried to conceal his bad trades by covering them with an intense red wine sauce, later switching to delicate pastry horns.

At one point he managed to dispose of dozens of transactions by hiding them inside vol-au-vent cases and staging a fake reception.

Last night a spokesman for Sócíété Générálé denied that Kerviel was overworked, insisting he lost the money after betting that the French were about to stop being rude, lazy, arrogant bastards.

http://tinyurl.com/2kwoy4
 

rynner2

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#25
http://www.newscientist.com/backpage.ns ... 412.600_fb

Straight-talking homeopaths

THANKS to Alex Gough for pointing us in the direction of FairDeal Homeopathy, online purveyors of homeopathic remedies. Their website is intriguing, and not at all what you might expect.

"Homeopathy is not a substitute for evidence-based medicine and proper medical opinion," it states flatly. It goes on to argue that insofar as homeopathy "works", it works through "a complicated interaction with the human body and mind known as the 'placebo effect'".

"What conditions can FairDeal Homeopathy treat*?" is the next question. The asterisk refers to a note at the bottom of the page saying "*'Treat' in no way implies 'cure'". As for the answer: "FairDeal homeopathy," we are told, "can be used to treat any self-limiting condition." Such conditions are defined as "ones that, if left alone, will get better anyway".

Is this website a spoof? When Gough asked the owners they were most offended. "A spoof?" they replied. "Tsk tsk! We dispatch homeopathic remedies* the same working day! Real pills! In real little bottles and everything! How authentic do you want us to be?" Once again, a note at the bottom of their email explains the asterisk: "*No curative properties implied. Guaranteed as effective as all other homeopathic remedies. May taste of sugar."

If you would like to purchase a FairDeal remedy for one of your self-limiting conditions, go to www.fdhom.co.uk and place your order, which will cost you only £4.99.

According to the "Testimonials" section of the website, such a remedy certainly worked for a Mr S. Scott: "I ordered your product to help treat a mild cold that I was experiencing and that evening I began to feel much better. By the time your product arrived I was nearly fully cured. I cannot recommend this enough, thank you FairDeal Homeopathy."
 

Brown_Forever

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#26
I'm probably not the first person to spot this, but I am all the same delighted to report that Rowan Williams is an anagram of "In Islam Law Row".

Did I dream it or was there once an entire thread given over to anagrams?

PB
 

J_Frank_Parnell

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#27
re place names:

near plymouth there is crapstone (the stone there is actually quite impressive), near poznan there is a town called oborniki, which means manure in polish. there is thong in kent, wankem in the netherlands (or was it belgium?) and there's maggy's tits in the us. as a kid i once went camping at sandy balls in hampshire. there is a sandy bottom in st austell, where there is also a lane called dog shit alley, although that's probably not official.
 

rynner2

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#29
Sic!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Department of post-mortem indecision: A cemetery manager was quoted
in the Guardian Weekend last Saturday (16 February). He explained
they sometimes had to exhume bodies: "Some people have an aversion
to burial and decide they would rather have a cremation after all."

While we're on such matters, Peter G Neumann reported in the Risks
Digest newsletter that the Web site of WSMV, Nashville, Tennessee,
had a story on 15 February under the headline "Woman Says Being
Declared Dead Ruins Life".

Department of clerical fecundity: Noted by Noel Donaghey on the Web
site of The Adelaide Advertiser for 15 February: "An effort to lift
South Australia's population to two million well before its target
of 2050 will be led by Monsignor David Cappo."

http://www.worldwidewords.org/nl/kfdw.htm
 
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