Humour & Jokes

Do you have a GSOH?

  • Yes

    Votes: 33 45.8%
  • Sometimes

    Votes: 13 18.1%
  • No

    Votes: 8 11.1%
  • What's a GSOH?

    Votes: 18 25.0%

  • Total voters
    72

rynner2

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The art of the one-liner
Readers have been inspired by an interview with comedians Tim Vine and Milton Jones to send in their own (and others) quick-fire wit
Brian Logan guardian.co.uk, Wednesday 19 January 2011 21.00 GMT

When I interviewed comic Tim Vine for an article this week about the art of the one-liner, he told me how wary he was of fans sending him their own jokes. If he ever uses similar ones himself, he'll be accused of stealing. Here's hoping he hasn't looked at the comments my article inspired, in which readers traded dozens of their favourite one-liners, and road-tested their own. Judging by this veritable mountain of puns, the tradition of Tommy Cooper and Bob Monkhouse is alive, well and as corny as ever. Here's a selection of the finest:


"Armchair travel is a waste of time. It took me three months just to get up the stairs in it" charliepiper


"Somewhere between murder and suicide . . . is Merseyside" octoberisms (credited to Milton Jones)

"I opened a colonic irrigation clinic last summer. It was going fine until the hosepipe ban" barenib (Jones again)


"A shop assistant dared to ask me why I needed 20 pots of Tipp-Ex this morning . . . Big mistake" 2nafish


"So this guy says, I'm gonna wipe the floor with your face. I say you'll regret that. He asks why. Because you won't be able to get into the corners very well" Garetko (later credited to Emo Philips)


"Conjunctivitus.com – that's a site for sore eyes!" stubbg


"I was an accountant from the age of 20 to the age of 30, before I was sacked for no apparent reason . . . What a waste of 14 years that was" timoc (provenance – like that of so many great jokes – unknown)

http://www.guardian.co.uk/stage/2011/ja ... kes-comedy
 

rynner2

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Matt cartoon today:

In a posh home, a mother says to her daughter:

"Now you're 18 I should tell you the gardener's really your father.
It might help with your Oxbridge application"

:D
 

rynner2

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Medical first for Dr Dan

When a fountain of blood spurted from a member of the parliamentary rugby team after a tackle in a match against the Welsh Assembly, the cry went up for a doctor.
Up stepped rugby-playing Tory MP Daniel Poulter. ‘Got any medical experience?’ he was asked. ‘I’m a gynaecologist.’ Back came the reply: ‘We must be the first rugby team to use one of those.’ 8)

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/artic ... z1Dq6SDopc

But there are women's rugby teams... ;)
 

titch

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Three Essex women walking through a forest when they come across some tracks.The 1st women says they are deer,2nd says they are fox and the 3rd says they are badger.Then the train hit them.
 

rynner2

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It happened a month ago, but the story Don Doherty tells us about
is still worth repeating. During the recent devastating floods in
Queensland, Australia, the front page of the Morning Bulletin of
Rockhampton on 6 January included the headline "30,000 pigs swept
away in flood". The next day, the paper featured this correction:
"What Baralaba piggery-owner Sid Everingham actually said was '30
sows and pigs', not '30,000 pigs'."

:D

http://www.worldwidewords.org/nl/ydyt.htm
 

rynner2

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Well, I think it's funny... 8)

Village in uproar as pub sign depicts Queen Elizabeth with gold chain, muscle-vest and 'Phil' tattoo
By Daily Mail Reporter
Last updated at 8:22 PM on 18th February 2011

Villagers have expressed their outrage after a pub unveiled its new sign, portraying the Queen in a rather irreverent light.

The Spitting Image-style cartoon outside the newly revamped Queen's Arms Hotel in Acomb, Northumberland, shows Her Royal Highness as a burly figure with a tattoo bearing the name 'Phil' on her huge forearms.
A grinning Queen Elizabeth sports a a chain and black muscle-vest as she stands with her arms folded outside Buckingham Palace.

Parish councillors have been flooded with complaints. The image has been branded 'distasteful' and 'sad', while others have said it amounts to treason. :shock:

Chairman of Acomb parish council, Major Charles Enderby, is a former member of the Queen's ceremonial guard.
He said: 'I have to say I am personally appalled.
'We very much welcomed the investment in the pub, which had been run down for a number of years.
However, I think the sign is very sad. Acomb does not deserve something so distasteful.
'There are lots of people who are jolly cross.'

Acomb's county councillor Terry Robson has called in Northumberland County Council's planning enforcement team to investigate the sign.
Coun Robson said: 'I think it is in extremely poor taste and not at all appropriate for the village hotel. It's a very silly thing for the hotel to have done.'

Resident Sheila Storey added: 'It's the talk of the village, which I suppose if what they were after. I think it's horrendous - an absolute disgrace.'

A spokesman for the county council confirmed a large number of complaints had been received about the sign, but as it was replacing an existing sign, planning consent was not required.
He also added that the council could not intervene in matters of taste.

Another Acomb villager who asked not to be named said: 'Some people are saying it amounts to treason and ought to be taken down, but others think it's a laugh.
'The caricature is certainly not as a bad as the Queen's Spitting Image puppet.'

The Queen's Arms has only recently re-opened after a £250,000 refit.
The man who commissioned the sign, David Crawford-Emery, said this week that the only feedback he had received was positive, and denied the image was based on the monarch.
He owns the building and organised the refit, but the Queen's Arms is run by his associate, Sean Donnelly.
The landlord insisted the caricature was not actually based on the Queen, but his late mother who resembled the Queen.
He said: 'My mum's name was Betty, and her husband was called Phil, which explains the tattoo. ;)
'I have no idea whether the Queen has a tattoo because I have never seen her arms.
'I would not do anything to cause offence to the Queen because I am a royalist myself.'

Buckingham Palace had no comment to make on the sign.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article ... z1EOfc7VKB

(But the tattoo seems to be upside-down...)
 

GNC

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rynner2 said:
It happened a month ago, but the story Don Doherty tells us about
is still worth repeating. During the recent devastating floods in
Queensland, Australia, the front page of the Morning Bulletin of
Rockhampton on 6 January included the headline "30,000 pigs swept
away in flood". The next day, the paper featured this correction:
"What Baralaba piggery-owner Sid Everingham actually said was '30
sows and pigs', not '30,000 pigs'."

:D

http://www.worldwidewords.org/nl/ydyt.htm
Reminds me of the possibly made up local newspaper correction that went something like:

"This paper printed the false information that the engaged couple Mr and Mrs John Smith would be moving in with the bride's father following their marriage. They will in fact be moving into The Old Manse."
 

rynner2

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Amusing banter on the cricket page
( http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/cricket ... 403795.stm )

The Dutch have a bowler called Tom Cooper, which has provoked a few Tommy Cooperisms.

And then there's this exchange:

From Anon: "Currently working with a Dutch man who has taken it upon himself to start asking me questions about cricket and how it's played. Has anyone ever noticed just how complicated this game is?"

From Smudge, TMS inbox: "For Anon on SMS here is a suitable description for a foreigner. You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game."

I'm thinking, judging by the number of emails of very similar content, that Smudge's email has been lifted from somewhere else. Come on, own up - who wrote it?

Dr David McArdle, TMS inbox: "For Smudge…yes, I’ve got a tea-towel with that written on it too. If one of my students did that, I’d have them for plagiarism." :D

Dr Will Bowden, TMS inbox: "Re: Dr David McArdle, If one of my students plagiarised a tea towel instead of Wikipedia I might let them off for using such initiative." :D :D

From Anon: "I am a tea towel collector. The cricket description is my pride and joy!" 8)
 

ArthurASCII

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GovernmenHealth Care Proposals - A Response from the BMA...

The British Medical Association has weighed in on the Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow Up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT Specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London.
 

rynner2

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OMG! I like a laugh, but this could put lives at risk! :shock:

John Prescott to read Radio 4's shipping forecast

Former deputy prime minister Lord Prescott has been lined up to read BBC Radio 4's shipping forecast later this month, in aid of Comic Relief.
Normally a BBC announcer reads the bulletin but early on 19 March former seaman Lord Prescott will step in.
To make his delivery easier, the bulletin will be pre-recorded shortly before transmission.

"It's a real honour to be given the chance to read it and even better that it's for Red Nose Day," he said.

As a young man, Lord Prescott joined the Merchant Navy, where he worked as a ship's steward during the last days of the great ocean liners.
He said: "I've always been fascinated by the shipping forecast ever since I was a waiter on the liners.
"I used to sit in my bunk listening to it on the wireless. It has such a metronomic quality, like the rhythm of the sea. It feels like a poem."

His guest slot on the bulletin - which will hit the airwaves while Comic Relief's Red Nose Day broadcast is on BBC One - was offered to him after he made a joke on Twitter.
BBC continuity announcer Alice Arnold, who is one of many who read the shipping forecast, spotted his remark on the micro-blogging site.
"I saw a tweet from John saying that he was doing an interview for Radio 4's The World Tonight show and he might as well stay on to do the shipping forecast," she said.
"As I was reading it that night I tweeted he was welcome to do it so I could go home early. He then started tweeting the shipping forecast to me."

Lord Prescott will read the main part of the bulletin, which gives the forecast for the 31 sea areas, in a clockwise pattern.
The Radio 4 announcer will then take over to give the inshore waters and coastal stations reports.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-12660426

"To make his delivery easier, the bulletin will be pre-recorded shortly before transmission"
- I wonder how many goes that will take!
:twisted:
 

rynner2

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More Prescottia!

John Prescott: 'I don't have to worry about what Gordon or Blair will think if I do this or that now'
The former deputy prime minister talks about life in the House of Lords, what he thinks of Ed Miliband – and why he did that boxing advert
Decca Aitkenhead The Guardian, Monday 7 March 2011

When I arrive at John Prescott's flat, he is at his desk, a telephone in one hand and a letter in the other. "Can't get the bugger to answer," he growls. He is trying, he explains, to call a man called O'Reilly, who has just written him an astonishingly rude letter on stationery illustrated with a drawing of a foxhunter.

"I always ring 'em up," the former deputy prime minister explains, as he goes to dial again. Is it a drag to have to respond to abusive correspondents, I ask, or does he enjoy it?

"Oh, I want to ring him!" Alas, the man fails to pick up the phone, so Prescott offers a vivid impression of what he would have said had O'Reilly answered. "I'd start off saying, 'Reilly! Prescott here. I've got your letter here.'" Prescott adopts a music hall caricature of a posh accent. "And it just proves how ignorant you foxhunting fraternity are! The language is terrible, and me as a former seaman, well, I'm not used to it. Obviously it's normal for you public-school boys. And I know you went to public school," he adds, triumphantly knowing. "Addressing me as 'Prescott' was the giveaway!" 8)

Then he is off on to an anecdote about another rude letter-writer, a colonel whose snooty butler refused to put Prescott through when he called. Somehow the story collides into another one, this time about a prison riot in the 70s, when the governor was insulting to him, and the officers reported Prescott to the police for an out-of-date car tax disc. :twisted: Now suddenly it is 2001, and we are in Rhyl, the scene of his famous election campaign punch. "And the sisters were wetting their bloody knickers, with Harriet Harman saying: 'Ooh, we can't have a macho in our ranks.' But it was a conspiracy between the foxhunters and Adam Boulton and Sky! Sky used that footage to try and get rid of me! That were Boulton: 'Press your red button if you think Prescott should be sacked.' I'd have pressed his red button," Prescott glowers, "if I'd got anywhere near him."

Grievances keep tumbling out of him, a great waterfall of gleeful indignation and affront. On and on it comes, this torrent of memory, until, without any warning, he shudders to a halt and peers across at me suspiciously, as if only just registering my presence.
"What paper," he demands, "are you on anyway?"

I last interviewed Prescott in 2008, only a year after he had stood down from government. At the time, I remember marvelling that this great man-mountain of ungovernable emotion could have been in Downing Street for more than a decade – and three years on it is not so much a marvel as a total mystery. He is quite unlike any other politician I have ever met, with a mind that zigzags about all over the place, defying any convention of logic or order; and very rarely does he respond to a question with a direct answer. It is impossible to tell if he has heard the question and deliberately chosen to ignore it, or whether his mind has heard something else altogether, but the effect is less like a conversation than the confusing experience of eavesdropping on a crossed telephone wire.

He says he talks so fast because of his trade union background. "My experience of life is you don't go slow, or some bugger at a strike meeting'll jump in when you're drawing for breath, so you've got to keep talking and breathing." He can be gloriously catty, impersonating former cabinet colleagues with silly voices and a scornful roll of the eyes; at one point he has a bitch about David Blunkett, then nods to my notepad and adds: "Put it in braille, so he can read it." :shock: A baffling mixture of canny and unworldly, loyal and anarchic, he is in one sense an open book – only, it's a book full of indecipherable squiggles, and the qualities that made him so indispensable in Downing Street are impossible to read.

etc...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2011 ... aitkenhead
 

rynner2

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Radio review: Hardeep Singh Kohli's Alternative Census
The radio and TV presenter undertakes his own survey of the nationElisabeth Mahoney The Guardian, Monday 7 March 2011

Hardeep Singh Kohli's Alternative Census (Radio 4, Friday) in some ways echoes the excellent Great British Faith programmes he presented on Radio 2 last year. The format is that Kohli pootles about Britain talking to people about Big Questions, but does so in a disarmingly friendly way, which means they chat away, happily revealing things.

This programme blends questions from the official census with Kohli's own, and the result is a terrific set of fleeting insights into lives. In the most recent programme, he visited Great Yarmouth and spoke to Derek and Barbara, a couple in their 70s. The interview was a stark reminder not to judge books by covers, or people on radio by their voices; in this case, down to earth, settled, mature, ordinary. Then Derek mentioned that he works as a "male maid", a term he had to explain. "You work as a maid in a maid's outfit," he said. "I'm a transvestite, you see." It was one of those stare-at-the-radio moments. :shock:

Kohli's follow-up questions to both of them were spot on, but without feeling intrusive. Barbara referred fondly to "Derek and his deviations" as if talking about a 60s pop group, and detailed the unusual life that's been her norm. "I made him a few aprons," she explained, "and told him if he looked nice." :D

http://www.guardian.co.uk/tv-and-radio/ ... dio-review
 

JamesWhitehead

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Browsing in a bookshop today - OK, it wasn't a proper bookshop, just one of those The Works outlets and I wasn't so much browsing as wincing at all the not-quite-books for not-quite-readers they stock - anyway, there it was - the object that seemed to represent the lowest of the low in publishing.

The John Prescott Kama Sutra! Did you laugh? Even knowing that a while back he was caught with his pants down. It was not worth a snigger on a "topical" comedy show of the most laugh-free kind - even a while back, when he was caught at it.

Yet, there it was in its pomp. Some penny-a-page hack had laboured to produce a text that no one would ever read while some useless cartoonist had added his (or her!) bored scrawls that would never be seen except as a flip-book. Now it was still overpriced at anything-at-all. Page after page of it!

The only person I imagine could have commissioned such a sorry article was the man himself. :headbutt: :headbutt:
 

escargot

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I'm ashamed to admit that I thought you'd made that book up, so I googled it.

I have been well punished. :(
 

OneWingedBird

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Is it any worse than when Ronald Reagan's daughter publisher a book called Bondage? The only thing that I recall of it is a restraint setup that was technically plausible but that would have brought most of the furniture in the front room crashing down on the bondee had they struggled. :lol: Obviously wasn;t written from experience :lol:
 
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