Humour & Jokes

Do you have a GSOH?

  • Yes

    Votes: 33 45.8%
  • Sometimes

    Votes: 13 18.1%
  • No

    Votes: 8 11.1%
  • What's a GSOH?

    Votes: 18 25.0%

  • Total voters
    72

Lord Lucan

Abominable Snowman
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Told to me by an Irishman (my father in-law). No offense meant to the Irish amongst us...

Q: How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
A: None.

Can't remember where I heard this one, but I trot it out from time to time as we have a family friend who plays the bagpipes. He is a bagpipe bore as every conversation is eventually steered around to the topic of bagpipes and his playing of said bagpipes. I usually end the conversation with this joke which I've told him many times and leaves him with a scowl on his face.

Q: What is the definition of a true gentleman?
A: One who can play the bagpipes but doesn't.

I guess one could insert any relevant instrument into this one depending on the situation.
 

Austin Popper

Emperor of Antarctica
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Told to me by an Irishman (my father in-law). No offense meant to the Irish amongst us...

Q: How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
A: None.

Can't remember where I heard this one, but I trot it out from time to time as we have a family friend who plays the bagpipes. He is a bagpipe bore as every conversation is eventually steered around to the topic of bagpipes and his playing of said bagpipes. I usually end the conversation with this joke which I've told him many times and leaves him with a scowl on his face.

Q: What is the definition of a true gentleman?
A: One who can play the bagpipes but doesn't.

I guess one could insert any relevant instrument into this one depending on the situation.
Every time I've heard bagpipes played in person, I've had an almost overpowering urge to run like hell away from them. I suspect it's some kind of genetic survival instinct.
 

genex17

Ephemeral Spectre
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A Chinese visitor passed through Japan on a visit, then on to the US. He decides to sell off the excess Yen currency he had. The first week he sold 10,000 and got $99. The next week he went to sell another 10,000 and this time got $95. He asked the exchange clerk why he was shorted $4. "Flucuations", replied the clerk.

"Oh yeah?! Fluck you white guys!!"



And a Happy 2019 to the Fortean Forums, especially Humour and Jokes. Keep the great jokes and memes flowing! :party:
 
Last edited:

Iris

Justified & Ancient
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Every time I've heard bagpipes played in person, I've had an almost overpowering urge to run like hell away from them. I suspect it's some kind of genetic survival instinct.
Maybe it is down to the genes. When my children were small I took them to see an appearance by Ronald McDonald for the opening of an outlet
There was also a pipe band and my children totally ignored Ronald but were fascinated by the band.
 

INT21

Justified & Ancient
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Everyone had gathered together for The Last Supper.

There was a knock at the door:

'Pizza delivery for J Christ'.

Jesus looked at the pizzas on the table.

''How are we going to pay for all this ? you know we're broke'.

'No problem J' says Paul.

'We got a hint that Judas is coming into some money'.

INT21.
 

Lord Lucan

Abominable Snowman
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Everyone had gathered together for The Last Supper.

There was a knock at the door:

'Pizza delivery for J Christ'.

Jesus looked at the pizzas on the table.

''How are we going to pay for all this ? you know we're broke'.

'No problem J' says Paul.

'We got a hint that Judas is coming into some money'.

INT21.

In a similar vein:

Jesus walks into a restaurant and says to the maitre'd ''I'd like a table for 26 please.''
The maitre'd replies, ''But Sir, there are only 13 of you!''
Jesus responds, ''I know, but we're only going to sit on one side.''

Boom tish!
 

Comfortably Numb

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My Son moved into his first time home, last year ..

At same time, he 'bumped into,' a girl who was a classmate and hadn't seen for years.

Duly mentioning his new abode and that some remedial, external joinery work was required, said girl explained that her brother was a joiner and would do the work for free, without the need for his Housing Association to get around to it.

So far... So good...

Son is in my house and on his mobile, intending to thank the girl...

However, for the first time, on his new mobile, uses voice recognition...

'Be careful with that, mate', I cautioned...

I was present when he spoke these words, '...and I'm really looking forward to your joiner'...

Alas, he didn't check the text and next thing we knew was an irate phone call from the girl, "What do you mean by, 'You're looking forward to my vagina?'...".
 

Comfortably Numb

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'Swear blind' this is true.

Quite a few years back, was awaiting news of Scotland's opponents in forthcoming football tournament.

Listening to the radio as we were approaching the Iceland supermarket.

"That's us got Iceland and the Faroe (fay-ro) Islands in the draw then...", I duly informed.

Son, who was old enough to know better - about 18 at the time - proclaims, "Eh.... is Iceland a country as well, then?"...

Confirming same and somewhat alarmed by his lack of geographical knowledge, I enquired, " Do you know where the Faroe's are?"...

Boy Wonder disdainfully replays, "Well obviously, Da...


...Egypt".
 

Coal

Polymath Renaissance Man, Italian Wiccan Anarchist
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'Swear blind' this is true.

Quite a few years back, was awaiting news of Scotland's opponents in forthcoming football tournament.

Listening to the radio as we were approaching the Iceland supermarket.

"That's us got Iceland and the Faroe (fay-ro) Islands in the draw then...", I duly informed.

Son, who was old enough to know better - about 18 at the time - proclaims, "Eh.... is Iceland a country as well, then?"...

Confirming same and somewhat alarmed by his lack of geographical knowledge, I enquired, " Do you know where the Faroe's are?"...

Boy Wonder disdainfully replays, "Well obviously, Da...


...Egypt".
You must be so proud.
 

Bigphoot2

Not sprouts! I hate sprouts.
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Round about here sometimes
Paddy and Mick chatting over a pint,
Paddy says "ive been sha**ing the Johnson twins this week"
Mick says "how do you tell them apart then?"
Paddy replies "oh its easy, Michelles got blonde hair and Dereks got a beard"
I used to go out with a girl who was a twin and if people asked her if she was identical she'd reply "No, but my brother is."
 

Bad Bungle

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Saw a little bit of the dating show' Take Me Out' (once, at gun point) where smart good-looking boy and smart good-looking girl were getting on like a house on fire - until he mentioned that he was half-Egyptian. You could see the bewilderment in her eyes - 'what do you mean ?' He explain that his mother was Egyptian - 'but she can't be, they all died out thousands of years ago.' The magic kind of dried up.
 
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