Humour & Jokes

Do you have a GSOH?

  • Yes

    Votes: 31 44.9%
  • Sometimes

    Votes: 13 18.8%
  • No

    Votes: 7 10.1%
  • What's a GSOH?

    Votes: 18 26.1%

  • Total voters
    69

Yithian

Parish Watch
Staff member
Joined
Oct 29, 2002
Messages
23,734
Likes
21,062
Points
309
Location
East of Suez
A friend of mine sent me a message the other day to tell me that he's managed to get tickets for Second Test against Australia at Lord's this summer. The problem is that he wasn't really thinking when he booked them and he didn't realise that it was the same day as his wedding, so now he's looking for somebody to take his place.

It's Thursday August 22nd, 3 p.m. St Mary-at-Finchley Church--the bride's name is Diana and she's a pretty good cook.
 

blessmycottonsocks

Justified & Ancient
Joined
Dec 22, 2014
Messages
2,638
Likes
3,606
Points
154
Location
Wessex and Mercia
A friend of mine sent me a message the other day to tell me that he's managed to get tickets for Second Test against Australia at Lord's this summer. The problem is that he wasn't really thinking when he booked them and he didn't realise that it was the same day as his wedding, so now he's looking for somebody to take his place.

It's Thursday August 22nd, 3 p.m. St Mary-at-Finchley Church--the bride's name is Diana and she's a pretty good cook.
I'm saving that one for my cricket club's pre-season AGM next week.
Given England's woeful performance against the Windees, I'll need to try to raise the spirits a bit.
 

cycleboy2

Abominable Snowman
Joined
Dec 22, 2005
Messages
892
Likes
1,397
Points
149
I'm saving that one for my cricket club's pre-season AGM next week.
Given England's woeful performance against the Windees, I'll need to try to raise the spirits a bit.
Flippin' 'eck, Tucker! (A Grange Hill reference for no good reason) I'd forgotten England were playing today, against a West Indies team who were meant to be, well, a bit crap! England should have played Jack Leach. I've been a Somerset supporter since the early 1970s, when they were poor, but my dad's been a Somerset fan since the early 1950s, when they were dreadful!!
 

Swifty

doesn't negotiate with terriers
Joined
Sep 15, 2013
Messages
23,537
Likes
26,482
Points
284
Another example of Jim Jeffries from Austalialandsville going way past 10 when the option given to him was only ever meant to be 1 to 10 .. NSFW

 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
Joined
Aug 25, 2001
Messages
26,003
Likes
10,008
Points
284
The "World of Crap" lady appeared on an 80s nostalgia movies podcast this week:
Three Men and a Baby Podcast

She chose Three Men and a Baby. I have a feeling she wasn't taking it very seriously. NSFW: she's quite a sweary lady.
 

Swifty

doesn't negotiate with terriers
Joined
Sep 15, 2013
Messages
23,537
Likes
26,482
Points
284
I was utterly oblivious to the original version of this song by... er... gawd only knows... until Mrs Allicorn sang its charming refrain to me earlier in the week. I'm sending her this YouTube video right now. She's going to think I'm awfully witty. Thanks Swifty.
You're welcome mate. I'd never heard of the original either until my old flatmate played it on a jukebox in The Wellington Arms in Cromer years ago and my jaw dropped .. I'll pass your regards onto him allicorn, he wasn't gay but he took a shit load of drugs one night, presumably forgot I was sitting next to him in our flat and .. well .. just started bashing one out there and then right in front of me until I was able to talk him out of that .. then we went out and he shagged fat Kelly instead. True story.


.. she might get a laugh out of this earlier one also by Electric 6 as well .. they did like to antagonise people ..

 
Last edited:

Ringo

Sanitised for your protection
Joined
Feb 24, 2005
Messages
2,325
Likes
2,465
Points
169
... he wasn't gay but he took a shit load of drugs one night, presumably forgot I was sitting next to him in our flat and .. well .. just started bashing one out there and then right in front of me until I was able to talk him out of that .. then we went out and he shagged fat Kelly instead. True story.
That quote should be immediately followed by swigging the last of a pint, rising up from a three legged stool and asking who wants some crisps while you're at the bar. Legend.
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
Joined
Aug 25, 2001
Messages
26,003
Likes
10,008
Points
284
Heard a good joke on the radio today:

A painter was well known for his beautiful renditions of sunsets, but he announced he wasn't going to bother with them anymore, in fact he was sick of them. He said angrily: "No more Mr Nice Sky".
 

Swifty

doesn't negotiate with terriers
Joined
Sep 15, 2013
Messages
23,537
Likes
26,482
Points
284
That quote should be immediately followed by swigging the last of a pint, rising up from a three legged stool and asking who wants some crisps while you're at the bar. Legend.
Indeed he was Ringo. He bought one of those old pop up pirate games from a Cromer charity shop one day, we took it to our favourite pub then got some blue tack off the barmaid and stuck a lit cigarette on the top pointing up so we could play Russian roulette pop up pirate :


He went through a brief stage of suddenly having to crap if we were out so he'd rush to find the closest place (usually over someone's garden fence) so he renamed himself 'The Brown Pimpernel' .. he was also one of only two people who agreed to 'invent' off cliff sledging with me one year and was responsible for a couple of harmless prank stunts that the police are still investigating.
 

Ringo

Sanitised for your protection
Joined
Feb 24, 2005
Messages
2,325
Likes
2,465
Points
169
I say a load of Tommy Cooper-esque jokes yesterday...here are my favourite two. They could also be the work of Tim Vine.

Went to a job interview and the interviewer said they were looking for a responsible person.
"That's me", I said, "Whenever something went wrong at my last job they always said that I was responsible."

I asked my gym instructor "Can you teach me how to do the splits?"
He said, "Well that depends how flexible you are."
So I said, "Well, I can't do Tuesdays."
 

Shady

DEATHS Kitty
Joined
Apr 24, 2011
Messages
5,985
Likes
6,289
Points
284
I remember my boss coming over to me one day, he stood at the side of me and said "I am going to pay you what you are worth" I said *That's not fair, I'm not working for nothing"
 
Top