Humour & Jokes

[Ogdred Weary]

I saw a lot of strange little animals standing to attention in my garden. Then I realised I'd mistaken Viagra for slug pellets.

What happened to your sex life?

 

[Bigphoot2]

What happened to your sex life?

It's a bit sluggish

 

[pandacracker]

^nice double act starting there^

 

[Bigphoot2]

 

[Lord Lucan]

Insert appropriate nation as required. For this example, I shall use Ireland (forgive me fellow Irish Forteans).

Ireland's worst aviation disaster occurred Wednesday morning when a two seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery near Dublin.
So far 1847 bodies have been recovered with the toll expected to rise as digging continues though the night.

 

[Bigphoot2]

 

[escargot]

 

[AlchoPwn]

Q: Why did Princess Diana cross the road ?
A: Because she wasn't wearing her seatbelt

 

[Verbal Earthworm]

Q: Why did Princess Diana cross the road ?
A: Because she wasn't wearing her seatbelt

I have to say, the transition from Di to Diana was an overnight swap. People found it impossible to say "Di" as it sounded as though the entire nation had been willing it to happen all along.

 

[AlchoPwn]

I have to say, the transition from Di to Diana was an overnight swap. People found it impossible to say "Di" as it sounded as though the entire nation had been willing it to happen all along.

It's funny and cringey because it's true.

 

[Swifty]

It's funny and cringey because it's true.

A bit like this then ..

 

[Bigphoot2]

 

[IamSundog]

I hope that’s a low-wattage laser.

 

[Swifty]

Tell me, what time is it?

 

[Shady]

I have to say, the transition from Di to Diana was an overnight swap. People found it impossible to say "Di" as it sounded as though the entire nation had been willing it to happen all along.

And they said her name was an acronym for Died In A Nasty Accident

 

[kamalktk]

When I die I'm donating my body to science fiction.

 

[Yithian]

Meanwhile, in the north...

 

[INT21]

I was going to pass on a joke regarding the demise of vampires in 1980s San Francisco.

But on second thoughts; better not.

 

[Vardoger]

 

[Lord Lucan]

I flew to the moon for dinner last night. Great food, but no atmosphere.

 

[Swifty]

 

[kamalktk]

When I am told, “You’ll regret that in the morning”, I don’t let it bother me.

Being a problem solver, I just sleep in till noon.

 

[Bigphoot2]

It was my turn to cook dinner so I asked the other half for a bit of peace and quiet when I was working in the kitchen.

So she took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

 

[Swifty]

What? ..

 

[Mythopoeika]

I flew to the moon for dinner last night. Great food, but no atmosphere.

Noted by leading g-astronomists.

 

[Swifty]

When I die I'm donating my body to science fiction.

"Ferris says ... that when he dies ... he's donating his eyes to Stevie Wonder!"

(some film that John Hughes wrote and directed)

 

[Mythopoeika]

"Ferris says ... that when he dies ... he's donating his eyes to Stevie Wonder!"

(some film that John Hughes wrote and directed)

Sounds like a load of Buellers.

 

[Swifty]

Sounds like a load of Buellers.

never doubt Ferris ..

 

[maximus otter]

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, and she kept shouting “Nine!”

That’s the best I’ve done so far.

maximus otter

 

[Mythopoeika]

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, and she kept shouting “Nine!”

That’s the best I’ve done so far.

maximus otter

Sounds like someone's having fünf.