Humour & Jokes

Do you have a GSOH?

  • Yes

    Votes: 33 45.8%
  • Sometimes

    Votes: 13 18.1%
  • No

    Votes: 8 11.1%
  • What's a GSOH?

    Votes: 18 25.0%

  • Total voters
    72

Swifty

doesn't negotiate with terriers
Joined
Sep 15, 2013
Messages
23,944
Likes
27,419
Points
284
Nobody believed my Grandad when he told them all that there was an iceberg in the sea that night and that the Titanic was going to sink.. he was shouting his head off to warn everyone .. which is why we're banned now from ODEON cinemas.
 

Swifty

doesn't negotiate with terriers
Joined
Sep 15, 2013
Messages
23,944
Likes
27,419
Points
284
A man goes to the doctors complaining of an itchy red ring around his nob ..

The Dr takes a look and says "Take these pills, take one four times a day then come back and see me again."

The man returns five days later and says "I took those pills doctor but they haven't worked."

The Dr has a look again and says "Take this tonic four times a day then come back and see me again."

The man does as he's told, returns in four days and says "Doctor, I've taken the tonic like you said but it still hasn't worked."

The Dr has a look again then says "Take this cream, rub it onto the area then come back and see me again."

The man returns the next day and says "That cream is amazing, I only had to put it on twice and the red ring has completely gone! .. what was it?"

The Dr says "Lipstick remover."
 

Bigphoot2

Carbon Based Infestation
Joined
Jul 30, 2005
Messages
5,678
Likes
12,820
Points
294
Location
Armenia City in the Sky
What it's like to be British -

• Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”

• Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”

• Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best

• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door

• Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit

• Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand

• Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home
• The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector

• The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”

• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it

• Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands

• Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck

• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change

• Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again

• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested

• Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”

• Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon

• Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it

• Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave

• Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible

• The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about

• Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake

• Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot

• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink

• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit

• Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it

• “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”

• Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever

• Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever

• Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’

• Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether

• Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing

• Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again

• The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up

• Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again
 

Verbal Earthworm

_Anagrammatical_
Joined
Aug 21, 2018
Messages
466
Likes
603
Points
93
Location
The House of Moths
What it's like to be British -

• Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”

• Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”

• Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best

• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door

• Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit

• Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand

• Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home
• The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector

• The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”

• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it

• Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands

• Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck

• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change

• Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again

• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested

• Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”

• Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon

• Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it

• Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave

• Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible

• The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about

• Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake

• Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot

• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink

• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit

• Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it

• “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”

• Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever

• Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever

• Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’

• Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether

• Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing

• Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again

• The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up

• Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again
Guilty of several of these.
 

Ogdred Weary

Cosmically Triggered
Joined
Apr 2, 2012
Messages
1,703
Likes
2,714
Points
159
I've experienced most of those.

I drink cold tea, it's not as good as warm but it's fine. Cold ground coffee is an abomination however.
 

INT21

Justified & Ancient
Joined
Jul 18, 2016
Messages
4,307
Likes
2,856
Points
154
Is that Mrs Smith ?

Yes, who is this ?

Mrs Smith, it's the hospital about your husband.

Oh Dear, is he alright ?

Of course...well, actually yes and no. You see, we have mixed up his records with another man and are not sure if you husband has AIDS or Alzheimer's. But we're bringing him home today.

But how will I know which it is ?

Ok, we suggest you drive him to some remote supermarket and leave him there. And if he finds his own way home, don't have sex with him.
 
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