Humour & Jokes

Do you have a GSOH?

  • Yes

    Votes: 37 47.4%
  • Sometimes

    Votes: 13 16.7%
  • No

    Votes: 8 10.3%
  • What's a GSOH?

    Votes: 20 25.6%

  • Total voters
    78

Lord Lucan

Justified & Ancient
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods to find a bear and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Bible and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a hospital bed in a full body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
 

Bigphoot2

Not sprouts! I hate sprouts.
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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll spend all day sitting on a riverbank drinking beer.
 

EnolaGaia

I knew the job was dangerous when I took it ...
Staff member
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Out of Bounds
Circa 30 - 40 years ago I recall reading a confirmed story of a hunter who'd successfully killed a large grizzly using only the .22 kit gun (utility revolver) from his camping gear.

The bad news is that it's a tricky procedure involving grabbing and holding onto the kit gun and having the patience to wait until the grizzly pins or seizes you into a face-to-face position so that when it opens its gaping toothy maw you can pump multiple small bullets through the roof of its mouth and - if you're lucky - into its cranium.
 

Shady

Mary Queen of Scots...temping as DEATHS Kitty
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I will take my chance on being able to out run the furry bugger
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
Joined
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Circa 30 - 40 years ago I recall reading a confirmed story of a hunter who'd successfully killed a large grizzly using only the .22 kit gun (utility revolver) from his camping gear.

The bad news is that it's a tricky procedure involving grabbing and holding onto the kit gun and having the patience to wait until the grizzly pins or seizes you into a face-to-face position so that when it opens its gaping toothy maw you can pump multiple small bullets through the roof of its mouth and - if you're lucky - into its cranium.
Yeah, I remember that episode of Gentle Ben.
 

Bigphoot2

Not sprouts! I hate sprouts.
Joined
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Some of life's important questions:

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you're broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what colour bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
 

Swifty

doesn't negotiate with terriers
Joined
Sep 15, 2013
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Some of life's important questions:

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you're broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what colour bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
I can answer at least two of those .. oh no sorry .. it's gone ..
 

Naughty_Felid

No longer interesting
Joined
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It's in the original Tarzan book that when he found his parents' jungle house, he also found his father's knife and shaving mirror, so took up the practice of shaving every day.
I hate how rich people have "jungle houses".

They stay a couple of times in the summer and then the place is left empty. It's pricing young Ungawas and Tantors out of the housing market.
 

Austin Popper

Emperor of Antarctica
Joined
Aug 13, 2017
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Colorado, where the gold is still elusive
It's in the original Tarzan book that when he found his parents' jungle house, he also found his father's knife and shaving mirror, so took up the practice of shaving every day.
Are you sure that wasn't George of the Jungle? Sounds more like something a guy with an ape friend who sounds like John Cleese would do.
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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Are you sure that wasn't George of the Jungle? Sounds more like something a guy with an ape friend who sounds like John Cleese would do.
Edgar Rice Burroughs wrote Tarzan in 1912, but the George of the Jungle cartoon was from the 1960s. However, Ed borrowed H.G. Wells' time machine and basically ripped off George when he returned to 1912.
 
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