A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that.
I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.
"Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that."
"It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop, and, after a moment, added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"
With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
The best painkiller is ice. It isn't addictive and it becomes much more effective once you have poured some whiskey over it.
I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. Rodney Dangerfield
You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. Bob Hope
He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front. George Burns
You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.” Jerry Seinfeld
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. Rita Rudner
A woman in her 80s was driving with a friend.
She went through a red light.
The friend didn't say anything.
But then she went through another one.
The friend said, "Do you realize you just went through two red lights?"