Humour & Jokes

[Bigphoot2]

 

[Bigphoot2]

 

[Trevp666]

Patient: "Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages."
Psychiatrist: "Nonsense! I like sausages too."
Patient: "Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them."

 

[Trevp666]

Little Johnny's class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures stuck to a board of the 10 most wanted men.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."

So Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

 

[Trevp666]

A traffic cop is sitting at a patrol point on the M18 near Doncaster one afternoon, hoping to catch people speeding, when he sees a 15 year old Honda Civic go past really slowly, about 20mph. He realises that going very slowly is as bad as speeding so he goes after the car and stops it, making it pull over onto the hard shoulder.
When he reaches the drivers window and looks in he sees the vehicle is occupied by 5 little old ladies. The 4 which are passengers are sat there white as sheets, with their nails dug into the upholstery from gripping so tightly, and the lady driving says to the officer "What seems to be the problem? I was sticking exactly to the signposted speed limit, 18mph!"
"Oh Madam," says the policeman, "That's not the speed limit, its the number of this motorway, the M18"
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Madam, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. They're always like this for a while after we've turned off the M180"

 

[Trevp666]

Donald Trump was visiting Vladimir Putin and mentioned that he was trying to think of a foolproof method of getting clever people into his top jobs "Say, Vladimir," he asked "you've got a lot of clever people working for you - how did you manage to get such clever people?"
"Well," replied Putin "I asked them all a simple question during their interview, and if they got the answer wrong they were not selected"
"What was the question?" asked Trump.
"Well, I asked them this......'My parents had a child but that child wasn't my brother or my sister, so who was that child?' "
Trump thought for a while and said "I don't know - who is it"
Putin looked at him incredulously and said "Well it's me of course, isn't it!"
Upon his return to the USA Trump had his final candidate lined up for the job of Secretary of State and he suddenly remembered that he needed to ask 'the question' so he said,
"My parents had a child but that child wasn't my brother or my sister, so who was that child?"
The candidate looked perplexed and gave it some thought for a while before finally saying "I don't know, tell me, who was that child?"
And Trump, annoyed, replied "You dumbass.....that child was Vladimir Putin!"

 

[Trevp666]

A traffic cop stopped a woman for speeding. He asked the driver her name.
She said, "I'm Mrs. Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from the
Republic of Uzbekistan and I'm driving to Wales to see my daughter
in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch."
As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment, put away his notebook and pen, and said,
"Well... OK... drive safely and don't let me catch you speeding again."

 

[Trevp666]

https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news...-entirely-new-music-collection-20200717198603

 

[LymeswoldSnork]

"Well... OK... drive safely and don't let me catch you speeding again."

Or:

 

[Bigphoot2]

 

[kamalktk]

Dad: I'll have the steak.

Mom: I'll have the chicken. It's healthier.

Dad: No it isn't. It's dead.

 

[Gene Hunt73]

 

[kamalktk]

What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?

A Flossiraptor.

 

[Bigphoot2]

 

[Trevp666]

Aaaah a memory from 2 years ago. I don't follow the football but this made me chuckle.

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10155947548840787

 

[Trevp666]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the HR manager says to the young graduate who was straight out of university "So what salary were you looking for?"
"Well, about £150,000 per year" replied the young graduate.
"Hmmm...." said the HR manager, "How about £300,000 per year, 6 weeks paid holiday, a company car (a Bentley), free gym membership, all meals paid for at a Michelin star restaurant, and your rent paid in an apartment in Kensington?"
"Wow!" said the graduate, "You're joking aren't you?"
"Well," said the HR guy, "You started it".

 

[Trevp666]

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news:
“Honey, we’ve finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1986.”
“You mean a brand-new Jaguar?” she asked eagerly.
“No,” said the husband, “a 1986 Jaguar.”

 

[Trevp666]

Filthy Stinking Rich - Well, two out of three ain't bad.

 

[Bigphoot2]

 

[CyberianTiger]

Many people believe Amber Heard did a big jobby on Johnny Depp's bed. What if it was just a smear?

 

[Mythopoeika]

Many people believe Amber Heard did a big jobby on Johnny Depp's bed. What if it was just a smear?

Whatever it was, it was an Amber turd.

 

[kamalktk]

The police came and took my dog away.

When I asked why, they said he had too many unpaid barking tickets!

 

[escargot]

 

[Bigphoot2]

 

[Trevp666]

Be careful when you ask your 'mates' to put suncream on your back

 

[Dinobot]

Be careful when you ask your 'mates' to put suncream on your back
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Which one of these guys is you?!

 

[Trevp666]

None of them! (I hope)

 

[Trevp666]

 

[Bigphoot2]

 

[Bigphoot2]